Until Death Do Us Part......

A Woman went to her preacher and said she and her husband were having trouble, he was mean to her, and she was gong to sue for divorce.  The preacher said, "The Bible says to be kind to those who revile you and thereby heap fires of coal on their heads."  Then he asked, "Have you tried heaping coals of fire on his head?"  "No," she said, "But I've thrown scalding water on him a few times."

Way up in the mountains in a tiny little town, an old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court.  The two of them were arguing feverishly over custody of their children.  The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge, "Since I brought the children into the world, I should get to keep 'em!"  Since the old mountain man also wanted custody of the kids, the judge asked for his side of the story.  After a long moment of silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

Her birthday was coming up, so a husband asked his wife what sort of present she wanted, but she answered, "I really don't think I should say."  He said, "How about a diamond ring?"  and she said she didn't much care for diamonds.  He said, "How about a mink coat?" and she reminded him that she didn't like furs.  "A gold necklace"?  he suggested, but she declined, saying she already had several and didn't need another.  Finally he gave up and asked her what she did want.  "A divorce," she said.  "That's what I'd really like."  Her husband hesitated only a minute and replied, "Well, I wasn't planning on spending quite that much!"

Did you hear about the woman of ninety-four who sued her husband for divorce?  They'd celebrated their seventy-fifth anniversary and all.  Well, somebody asked her why, if she was going to do it, didn't she do it earlier, and she said, "Well, I wanted to wait until all of the children had died."

One divorced lady was asked by her friends if she would ever remarry.  She replied that she would not.  She said, "I have a dog that growls, a stove that smokes, a cow that chews, a parrot that cusses, a cat that stays out all night.....I don't need a man!"

This old fellow had a bad car accident, and he woke up in the hospital, and his wife Ethel, with just a few scratches, was sitting by his side.  He got his bearings and then said, "Ethel, do you remember when I broke my leg when we were hiking?  You were right there with me.  Do you remember when I got kicked by that mule, and you were right there with me?  Do you remember that time that tree fell and knocked me down, and you were right there with me?  And now we had this car wreck and you were right there with me.   Ethel," he said, "You're bad luck!"

I was in the lobby of one of those big hotels, and they have those big sofas back to back.  Some people brought an older couple and put them on the couch behind me while they went for the car.  They'd been celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary all afternoon and were just about pooped out.  The elderly gentleman said to his wife loudly, "Margaret?"  She said, "What?"  He said, "I'm proud of you!"  And she said "what?"  He said as loud as he could, "I'M PROUD OF YOU!"  She said, "THAT'S ALL RIGHT, HONEY. I'M TIRED OF YOU TOO.

Two women got to talking in the supermarket, and one asked the other, "How many times have you been married?"  "Four times," she answered.  "What were their professions?" the other one asked.  "A banker, an actor, a preacher and an undertaker------one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go."