To Tell The Truth......

It takes a really tall tale to win the annual Burlington, Wisconsin, Liars Club Contest.  So tip your hat to Gordon Zwicky, because he's a worthy champion.  In 2000 he beat 299 other competitors with a whopper about his trip to Florida.  A neighbor, said Zwicky, told him and his wife, Dorothy, that they'd be fine as long as they paid attention to the road signs along the way.  But they'd driven just 30 miles when they saw one that read "Clean Restrooms Ahead."  Two months later they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of toilet boil cleaner.  Total restrooms cleaned: 450.

A man comes out of a shopping mall and finds the side of his car caved in.  Seeing a note under the wipers, he reads it.  On the paper is written, "As I'm writing this, about a dozen people are watching me.  They think I'm giving you my name and address, phone number, and insurance company.  But, I'm not."

A research agency did a study to find out what were the biggest lies commonly told, and here are the results:  #5  "The game is almost over.  I'll be home soon."  #4 "The check is in the mail."  #3  "I really enjoyed the sermon, Pastor."  #2  "I'm from the Government.  I'm here to help you."   The number ONE ranking goes to this one:  #1 (Pastor to Congregation) "This message will be brief. I won't keep you long."

A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaked up behind him and clobbered him on the back of the head with a huge cast-iron frying pan.  "What was that for?" the man screamed in pain.  "What is this piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"  "Oh, honey.  Don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?  Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."  The wife seemed satisfied and headed on to do some work around the house, feeling a bit sheepish.  Three days later the man was once again sitting in his chair when his wife sneaked up behind him and again hit on the head with a cast-iron frying pan.  "What's that for this time?" the man shouted, clutching his head.  "Your horse called,"  his replied tersely.

People who play golf have a big advantage over the people who fish.  When golfers lie, at least they don't have to show anything to prove it.

Special ceremonies were held at the local golf course the other day.  The mayor presented a special plaque to a golfer who is said to have been the first person in the 25 year history of the course to tell a true statement....he called another golfer a liar....