Smarter Than You Think....or not?

The customer only wanted half a head of lettuce, and insisted the stock boy check with the manager before denying his request.  The boy approached his boss. "Some moron wants to buy half a head of lettuce," he said.  Just then he saw that the customer was standing right behind him.  "And this gentleman," he added quickly, "has kindly offered to buy the other half."  Later the manager said, "That was some pretty quick thinking.  Tell me, where are you from, son?"  "Canada, sir," the boy replied.  "Really?  And why did you leave?"  "Because there's nobody up there but tramps and hockey players."  "I see," said the manager. "You know, my wife is from Canada."  "Really?" said the boy. "What team did she play for?"

"He is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."   "The cheese has done slid off his cracker.."  "He's about a bubble off plum..." "He's got a short in his cord.."  "The string on his yo-yo doesn't quite reach the floor..."  "When his time came to drink at the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled..."

I remember going to a pie supper on my little mule.  About halfway through the deal, I went out to check on my mule, and somebody had painted him green!  So, I went back inside, and was I ever mad, and I said, "Will the man who painted my mule green stand up RIGHT NOW?"  This old boy stood up, and I swear he was seven feet tall, and you know what?  After he stood up, his knuckles were still dragging the ground.  You've seen old boys like that.  He came over to me right quick and said, "I'm the man who painted your mule green, and just what do you think you're going to do about it?"  I looked up at him, and I said, "Well, buddy, the paint's dry, and he's ready for a second coat." 

This professor was driving by a mental hospital when a tire went flat.  He pulled of the lug nuts and put them in a hub cap.  He put on the spare, and just then a car came by too close, hit the hub cap, and threw the nuts all over a ten-acre field.  Well, the professor was stumped about what to do.  One of the patients, meantime, had been watching, and he called, "Why don't you take one nut from each other wheel and put them on this one, and that will get you home."  The professor was impressed by the suggestion and did what the man suggested.  Then he thanked him and said, "why are you in there?  You're not crazy."  "Oh, I'm crazy all right," the patient said, "I'm just not stupid."

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Alley's Grocery Store.  I don't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him.  they say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.  To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.  One day I was there when they did that, and after Junior grabbed the nickel, Lamar and I got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you.  They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel.  Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger or what?"  He looked a Lamar and me and grinned and said, "Will, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it."

One afternoon a well-dressed lady stopped at the gates of a mental institution.  "I wonder," she asked, "if you could tell me who's responsible for this magnificent garden?  I'd like to hire the gardener."  "I am," said the patient. "I've been cured a very long time, " he pointed out, "but no one from the outside will give me a job, so they just keep me here."  "That's foolish," said the lady. "You're no more unbalanced than I am.  I'm going to talk to the doctor in charge, and I'll have you out of here in no time."  Just as she reached her car she felt a violent blow to her head as someone hit her with a stone.  Turning around, half-stunned, she saw the gardener smiling at her.  "Now you won't forget, " he called out, "will you?"

A little prospector wearing clean new shoes walked into a saloon.  A big Texan said to his friend standing at the bar, "Watch me make this dude dance."  He walked over to the prospector and said, "You're a foreigner, aren't you?" From the East?"  "You might say that," the little prospector answered.  "I'm from Boston and I'm here prospecting for gold."  "Now tell me something.  Can  you dance?"  "No, sir. I never did learn to dance."  "Well, I'm going to teach you.  You'll be surprised how quickly you can learn."  With that, the Texan took out his gun and started shooting at the prospector's feet.  Hopping, skipping, jumping, by the time the little prospector made it to the door, he was shaking like a leaf.  About an hour later the Texan left the saloon.  As soon as he stepped outside the door, he heard a click.  He looked around and there, four feet from his head, was the biggest shotgun he had ever seen.  And the little prospector said, "Mr. Texan, have you ever kissed a mule?"  "No," said the quick-thinking Texan, "but I've always wanted to."

Professor Peabody, a well-known California scientist, was asked to travel throughout the state and speak to various groups in the scientific community about his latest discovery.  In a limousine driven by Chatworth, a chauffeur, he set out on a speaking tour.  Each night Chatworth stood in the rear of the auditorium, listening carefully to the professor's speech and then to the question and answer period.  After two weeks the chauffeur said, "I can recite your whole lecture by heart."  "Really?" said the professor, excitedly.  "Wouldn't it be great fun to change places?"  "What do you mean?"  "Tonight, you wear my suit.  I'll wear your uniform and stand in back of the auditorium.  You go up on stage and give my speech."  That night the chauffeur gave a brilliant speech.  Then came the Q/A period.  The questions were the same as they had always been and Chatworth answered them perfectly.  Then a woman asked something new.  Chatworth paused, "That question is so easy I'm going to let my chauffeur in the back answer it."

Granger found himself seated at a banquet next to Chen Loo Wing, an important Chinese diplomat.  Completely at a loss as to what to say to a Chinese, Granger ventured, "Likee Soupee?"  Mr. Wing smiled and nodded.  A little later when called upon to say a few words, Chen Loo Wing delivered an eloquent talk in perfect English.  He sat down while the applause was still resounding, turned to Granger and said, "Likee speechee?"

A visiting preacher went to the podium to deliver his message and said to the congregation, "I can tell already this is going to work out better than the last time I spoke.  The sound system buzzed and hummed so badly I had to stop while the electrician checked it out.  That wasn't so bad, except that after he fiddled with it for a while, he started telling everybody there was a screw loose in the speaker.

A preacher was at a Pastor's  Conference and heard one of the speakers during the week use the following illustration:  "Some of the happiest moments in my life, were spent in the arms of another man's wife-----my mother."  The illustration delighted the audience, so the preacher thought he must to remember to use it when he got back home.  The following week back in his home church pulpit, and at the appropriate time, he used the same illustration to the crowded Sunday morning congregation:  "Some of the happiest moments in my life, were spent in the arms of another man's wife----"   The pastor's line of thought at that moment went completely blank. After a long pause the crowd began growing restless, glaring at the pastor.  The song leader sitting on stage whispered to the pastor, "You'd better explain yourself quickly."  The pastor looked up again at the congregation and said, "you will have to excuse me.  For the life of me, I can't remember the name of the woman."

A ventriloquist was working down in Kentucky when a fellow suddenly stood up during his act and yelled, "Hey, you!"  You been making smart remarks about us hillbillies being stupid all night long!  "We're not all stupid, ya know!"  "Relax," replied the ventriloquist, "they're just harmless jokes!"  I'm not talking to you, pal!" answered the Kentuckian.  "I'm talking to that little jerk sitting on your knee!"

A man in Georgia, out for an afternoon of skydiving, jumped from an airplane while at 10,000 feet.  When he pulled his parachute cord, however, it broke.  As he plunged toward the ground and certain death, he saw a man below him rising rapidly into the air.  As their paths crossed, one falling towards the earth and the other rising away from it, the skydiver yelled, "Excuse me! You wouldn't happen to know anything about parachutes, would you?"  "NOoooo..."  the other man yelled back.  "You wouldn't happen to know anything about lighting gas stoves, would you?"

A college professor was sitting on a bus next to a farmer.  The professor commented to the farmer, "I've been told that you farmers are pretty smart." "I guess we can hold our own," the farmer replied.  "Well, sir, I'm a college professor, and I wonder if you would mind having a contest with me to see which of us is smarter?"  "Wouldn't mind it at all," the farmer replied.  "What ya got in mind?"    "How about if we take turns asking each other questions," said the professor, "and for every question one of us can't answer, we'll pay the other a dollar."  "Okay," said the farmer, "but seems to me since you're big college professor and all, that you should pay the dollar while I only pay fifty cents."  "That's fine with me," said the professor.  "I'll even let you ask the first question."   "Okay," said farmer, after thinking hard for a few moments, he asked, "What has 3 legs, is purple, and barks like a dog?"  After thinking for a long while, the professor finally said, "I don't know.  Here's your dollar.  But tell me, what does have 3 legs, is purple, and barks like a dog?"  "Blamed if I know," said the farmer.  "Here's your fifty cents."

Waitress: Our specialty of the day is tongue.  Customer:  Yuck!  I won't eat anything that comes from an animal's mouth.  Bring me some eggs.

A country fellow got on a bus and sat down by a slick-looking fellow from the city.  The city fellow looked the country boy over and decided to have some fun and make a little money too.  "Let's play a game to pass the time," he said, "and to make it all worthwhile, I'll give you a dollar for every question that you ask me that I can't answer.  You give me fifty cents for every question I ask you that you can't answer.  And you can ask me the first question."  The country boy thought a minute and then asked, "How come there is no pile of dirt on the outside when a rabbit digs his hole?"  The city fellow thought for awhile, gave up and said, "Here's your dollar.  Why isn't there a pile of dirt?" "Because he starts from the bottom," replied the country boy.  The city man said, "Aha, my question is, how does he get to the bottom?"  "I don't know," said the country boy.  "Here's your fifty cents."