School Days & Book Learnin'

On the first day of school the kindergarten teacher told her class, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, just hold up two fingers."  After a quiet moment, one little boy on the back row said, "I don't see how that's gonna help a bit."

A little boy was told by his teacher, "you're going to have to stop speaking out in the the classroom, or I'll have to punish you."  The little boy said, " I know, teacher, but I just can't help it.  You see, my daddy was a preacher and my mother is a woman."

An English teacher in a country school wrote on the blackboard, "I ain't had no fun all week."  Then she turned to the class and asked how that sentence could be corrected.  A little boy in the back of the classroom stood up and said, "Maybe you ought to get you a boyfriend!"

A farmer in Boone County, West Virginia, sent his son off to college.  The boy decided to major in math.  As soon as the boy came home after graduation the farmer couldn't wait to take him down to the country store to show him off.  The boy was a little embarrassed by it all, but he loved his dad and was grateful to him for helping finance his education.  So he went along with it.  As soon as they got to the store, the farmer proudly exclaimed, "Here's my son, fellers, home from college with a degree from the big University in Algebra!" He turned to his son and said, "Well, don't be bashful, boy, say something to them in Algebra."  The son blushed and said, "Okay....pi-r-square."  The farmer was quiet for a few seconds and then got very flustered, blushed himself, and threw his hat down on the floor and said, "TARNATION, BOY!  Don't be silly...Pie are round.  Cornbread are square!"

A little boy went home from school one day and his mother asked, "How was school today"?  The little boy said, "It was awful, just awful."  His mother asked, "Well, Johnny, what happened that was so bad?"  The little boy puckered up and began to well up in tears and said, "Well, there was a little mouse running all over and around the classroom.  It ran here and there until finally it ran up the teacher's leg!  She grabbed it through her dress and squeezed it as hard as she could.  Mommy, I bet that teacher squeezed a quart of water out of that poor little mouse!"

A little boy was caught by his teacher as he said a most unsuitable word.  "Jeffrey!"  she said, "You shouldn't use that word!  Where on earth did you hear it?"  The little feller answered, "My daddy said it."  The teacher replied, "You don't even know what it means!"  "Yes, I do," Jeffrey answered, "It means daddy's car won't start!"

Little Johnny was on his way to school one day but decided to take a shortcut across a farmer's field instead of using the road.  On his way he tore his pants getting through a barbed wire fence.  After mending his britches the best he could, he proceeded on to school.  As he was arriving late, the teacher said, "Johnny, I see you're a little behind this morning!"  To which Johnny replied, "Yeah, but you wouldn't if I'd had another safety pin!"

The teacher asked one of her students what his father thought of his report card.  "Shall I leave out the cuss words, teacher?" he asked.  "Well, OF COURSE!" the teacher said.  "Well, he didn't say nothin'," the little boy replied.

A man met his son's teacher in town one day and he asked how his son was doing in school.  The teacher replied, "Your son is doing quite well, but to be honest, he could do much if you got him an encylopedia."  The father hesitated for a moment and said, "Naw, I better not.  He'd break his fool neck. He'd never learn to ride it.  Besides, he can walk to school like I had to!"

The president of a great university was also a much sought-after speaker.  Once he and his wife were on an airplane going to one of his speaking engagements, and he was rehearsing his speech, sitting there with his eyes closed reciting a passage he wanted to be memorable.  A woman across the aisle had been observing him, and she leaned across, patted the wife's hand and said, "you have my profound sympathy.  I have one at home just like him."

I had trouble in high school, couldn't read real well, so they decided to give me an oral test, and they wanted to get rid of me, and I wanted to get out.  So they called me in and said, "We have 3 questions for you, and if you can answer these to our satisfaction, you will be able to graduate."  Here's the first question, "How many seconds are there in a year?  Second, Name two days in the week that start with 'T', and the third question, How many D's are there in RUDOLPH the Red-Nosed Reindeer?"    Now you go home and study those questions and come back tomorrow with the answers and you can graduate!"  The next day I came back to the principal's office to answer the questions. They asked the first question of how many seconds there were in a year and I answered, "As far as I can figure, Twelve."  They looked at me and said, "How did you arrive at that answer?"  I said, "Well, there's Jan. 2, Feb. 2, Mar. 2...."  They said, "Well, that wasn't the answer we were looking for, but we'll count that one right."  Then they asked me to name two days in the week that start with 'T'.  I said, "Today and Tomorrow."  They allowed they'd count that one right too, so I figured I was on my way.  The third question they asked me was how many D's in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." I told them I counted them many times last night and the answer I came up with was 167. They looked at each other and then asked me, "How did you arrive at that?"  I said, "Well," (singing) "de-de de de de de-de, de-de de-de de de de..."

Little Johnnie came home from school and his mother asked him how he did today and he said, "I did real good, Mum...I got a 100 today!"  "One-hundred!" his mother exclaimed.  "What subject did you get 100 in?"  Little Johnnie replied, "I got 40 in spelling, 30 in arithmetic, and 30 in grammar."

The teacher phoned to the home of one of her pupils and asked "Hello, Jimmy, are your parents at home?"  The little boys answered, "They ain't nobody at home right now, teacher."  The teacher replied, "Jimmy, where's your grammar?" Little Jimmy replied, "I don't know where she is either, teacher.  Mom and pop just said they'd be back after a bit."

Back in the days of the country school it was the custom for the students to bring their teachers gifts.  One day little Freddy brought a pretty box with a bow on top and sit on the teacher's desk, and stood their proudly waiting for the teacher to notice.  "Oh, Freddy," the teacher replied, "What a pretty box and bow!"  "What have you brought me?"   The little boy beamed, "You guess, teacher."  The teacher shook the box a little and noticed the corner of the box was leaking.  She touched her finger to the wet corner of the box and touched her tongue.  "Well, Freddy, I know your mother is a wonderful cook."  Are these some of your mother's homemade pickles?"  "No, Maam," the little boy exclaimed, "Puppy!"

A little boy returned the next day to school and marched to the teacher's desk with is report card and looked up at the teacher, "Teacher, I thought I better warn you.  My daddy says if this report card doesn't have better grades next time, somebody's going to get a whippin'!"