'An Independent Baptist Church'

Things to Know Before You Marry

One of the biggest Decisions you will ever make....
    crowd you choose to hang with, addictions, career,
    Who you will marry, Trusting Jesus as Savior and living for Him

Who you marry will have dramatic impact on all aspects of your life..... spiritual, emotional, physical health, happiness, etc.

Some people may not have what it takes to be a good, faithful, or reliable spouse.  Researchers have found that in most cases, people who are similar or who come from similar backgrounds, have happier marriages than those who radically different in background, tastes, likes, and upbringing. 

You’re wise to look for someone with a similar background and values.  Let me repeat....

You’re wise to look for someone with a similar background and values.

7 Basic Factors one should consider before saying "I Do"

1. Don’t Marry Someone who has characteristics you feel are intolerable.

Do you plan to change the person?  That probably won’t happen!  Behavior runs in deep channels that were cut during early childhood, and it is very difficult to alter them.

ie, during courtship...person drinks, smokes foolish with money, temper, violent, unclean, extremely selfish... or jealous or controlling...these are red flags you should not ignore!

We all have flaws, and We’re not suggesting a person has to be perfect....but you must decide if you can tolerate the behavior the rest of your life, because that’s how long you may have to deal with it.  It has been advised to keep one’s eyes wide open before marriage and half-closed thereafter.

2. Do not marry impulsively.

Want to mess up your life?  This is one good way to do it.  Remember people naturally try to hide their flaws during the dating relationship....you may seeing only the good side ...and may end up getting something entirely different than what you expected and wanted!  Many newlyweds get a big surprise their first year of marriage!

Take at least one year to get beyond the facade and into the inner character of the person.

3. Don’t marry someone with dramatically different religious views.

You may expect to change the person after you are married. Fat chance.  Have many have married with optimistic expectations, only to see the person go the opposite direction and even become antagonistic to the point he or she doesn’t even want you to go to church....

4. Make Sure you love the person.

Can you honestly say you love this person?  Are you getting married for other reasons......peer pressure, parental pressure, status.....

5. Don’t get married too young.

Those who wed between ages 14 and 17 are twice as likely to divorce as other couples who wait til older.  ( I waited til Lisa was 18 years old and one day....she had so many bad habits I knew I had to start working on her early...)

6. Do not move in with a person before marriage.

Bad move.  Studies based on 5 decades of studies show that couples who live together before marriage have a 50% greater chance of divorce than those who don’t.  Those who cohabitate (Hen-house marriages...roost together at night) have less satisfying marriages and more unstable marriage.

Why?  Because Researchers found those who lived together later regretted having violated their moral standards and something felt cheap and degrading about the whole thing and somehow it carries over into the later marriage and even into the intimacy of the marriage bed.  Participants in the studies stated They felt they had stolen a level of intimacy that is not warranted at that point.  

Postponing ‘Playing House’ until marriage, it turns out, is the healthiest and best for everyone involved!

7. Enter Marriage with an iron-willed determination to make it work.

Enter into that commitment with the iron-willed resolve and determination to make it work.  Don’t even consider divorce as an option.  Every marriage will have troubles.  That is why people who come from divorced parents are twice as likely to get divorced themselves....they’ve seen mom and pop teach it to them as an option when you’re not ‘happy’ and ‘fulfilled’.

If spouse is endangering health of you or kids, get out of them or get him/her out and have a separation, and pray for the mate until he/she either comes back or leaves you for another, then you can remarry, but then again experts say it is best to wait til children are grown and out of the home...

Divorce then is reserved only for when your mate is repeatedly unfaithful, according to the Bible....   For a one-time failure the Bible seems to teach we are to forgive if the offending mate is truly repentant and wants to restore the marriage....

1 Cor 7 teaches if you are married to an unsaved person and they abandon you, you are free to remarry again even if the mate who left marries again or not.

Things you Need to Know Before Getting Married

STEP ONE - Basic information & Background

How well do you know this person?  
How long has he/she lived here?
Have you known the person at least one year?
Do you know his/her parents?  What are they like?
Does the person show respect to his/her parents?
Does this person get along with his/her parents?
Does he get along with siblings & others in family?
How does this person feel about their childhood?  
If just moved here within last year, do you know someone who knows the person well in the last town they lived in?
Where does this person work or go to school?
If person does not work or have a job, why not?
Does this person still live at home?  If so, and over 18, why?
Does this person own a vehicle and have money in the bank?
Has this person been married before and divorced or widowed?  
If divorced, why did it take place and is it final yet?
Does he or she have children?  Where are the children now?  
How often does he/she see them?  Do you like them?  Do they accept you?

STEP TWO - FAITH

How long has this person been a Christian?  
How did he/she come to know Christ?  
Do they understand truly how to be saved and have they?
Does this person seem to have a vital relationship with Christ or is it all a put on?
Does this person Want to go to church...not just to please others?
Is this person active in their church and faithful to the services?
Does this person enjoy studying the Bible and learning God’s Word?
Does he/she like the other people at church or ridicule them?
Does this person REALLY believe in the power of prayer?
Does this person make choices based upon what God wants, or based mainly upon his/her wants? (Matt. 26:39)
Does this person seem to be mature and have common sense?

STEP 3 - PERSONALITY TRAITS

Is this person a pleasant person to be around and enjoys life?
Is this person enthusiastic & happy with a positive attitude on life?
If person optimist or pessimist?  
Is person always complaining about something and looking at bad side of things?
Does person have a sense of humor or offended easily?
Does this person have lots of friends?  If not, why not?
Is this person a loner and doesn’t like to be around people?
Have you met his/her friends?  What are they like?  (People pick friends like themselves)
Does this person like your friends?  Do you respect his/her friends?
Is this person good at making others feel comfortable?
Does this person have odd opinions, poor manners, or trouble keeping friends?

STEP 4 - CHARACTER TRAITS

Is this person courteous, kind and mannerly?
Is he/she unselfish, generous, giving person?
Does this person do kind and loving things for others without being asked...or only when he/she will get something in return?
Is this person honest, trustworthy, responsible, and reliable?
Is the person irresponsible?
Is this person always late to school, work, church, meetings?
Have you caught this person in lies before?
When this person makes promises....Do they keep them?
...Or do they always make excuses?
Does this person have a history of ‘quitting’ things?
Does this person seem to always blame others for his misfortunes?
Is this person arrogant or brag a lot?
Is he/she easily irritable, unforgiving, stubborn, revengeful?
Does this person have a temper?  Have you seen it become out of control and even violent to point of hitting or breaking things?
Has this person ever hit anyone before because of their temper?
Have you heard this person use foul language?
How does this person drive?  Reckless?  Endanger others?
Does he/or she laugh about other people’s misfortunes?
Have your parents or any of your friends tried to warn you about this person? (They never tell you worst thing first...Accept the first piece of information calmly and then ask if there is anything else you should know)
Does this person resent his/her teachers, bosses, parents, or co-workers?
Does everything always seem to be someone else’s fault, or does he/she admit & take responsibility for his/her mistakes and errors?
Does he/she seem to think about sex constantly? (Or the opposite: repulsed by the idea of marital intimacy?)
Has he/she tried to pressure you to have premarital sex?
When you say you are waiting until marriage to be intimate, will he/she reject you?  If so, it’s for the best.
Does this person flirt with others and show you disrespect?
Is he or she rude to you?
Has he/she put you down in front of others?
Does this person have really annoying habits such as gossip, constantly talking about other people, practical joker, etc.
Are you proud to be seen with this person when you are around people you respect?
Is he/she well-liked and well-respected by people who you really like and respect?

STEP 5 - BASICS ABOUT LIFESTYLE

Is this person have high energy or low energy?  
Is this person ‘achievement oriented’ and a ‘go-getter’?
Is this person a self-starter....or lazy?
Does this person have consistent trouble paying his/her bills?
How much of this is caused by irresponsibility or poor decisions?
Does this person outspend his/her income?
Does he/she try to borrow money often?
Does this person repay loans quickly?
Has this person filed for bankruptcy or is he/she in debt?
If so, why?  How much in debt?
What does he/she do with free time?
What are this person’s hobbies?
How much time and interest does he put into interests/hobbies?
Is it extreme?   Politics, TV, shopping, sports...
If it never changed, could you live with it without complaining?
The same applies with his/her habits?  Can you live with them?
Is his/her taste in music and clothing acceptable to you?
What are his/her goals and dreams?  Are they realistic?
Is this person ambitious and hardworking and taking steps to achieve these goals?
Does he or she want to have children?
Where does he/she want to live when married?
What lifestyle does this person want in order to be happy?

STEP 6 - HABITS, ADDICTIONS, & OTHER WARNING SIGNS

Does this person have any addictions? (drugs, alcohol, pornography, internet, work, hobbies, sports?)
Does he or she smoke cigarettes?
Does he or she have a criminal record?
Does he or she hang around with the wrong crowd?
Has this person ever hit, shoved, or ‘accidentally’ hurt you?
Has this person had premarital sex with anyone?
Does this person have any sexually transmitted diseases? Aids?
Does this person already have a history of failed marriages? Why?
Does this person have a history of mental health problems...such as manic-depression, depression, anxiety disorders, or panic attacks?
Does this person hope you will solve some serious problem in his/her life such as finances, loneliness, stability, parenting, trouble with parents, depression?
Do you have a patient-therapist type of relationship with this person
Does this person have real problem with jealousy?
Is this person jealous of your time with family or friends?
Is one of you in a hurry to get married?
Are one of you on the rebound from a previous relationship?
Does he/she talk about past relationships often?
Has one of you been engaged one or more times before?
Do you think this person will improve if he/she marries you?  Do you think you can change this person?  (It is not fair to marry a person expecting to change him/her)

and finally....

Step 7 – LOVE?

Do you feel physical attraction to this person?  
If not, are you just dating this person to please your parents, to get married, or to achieve status with your peers?