Life of the Preacher 

 

An elderly lady had spent some time in the hospital but was finally sent home. Soon after that she was visited by her minister and while he was there, he saw a little dish of peanuts on the table in the living room. As they sat there talking, he kept eating the nuts until they were all gone. As he started to leave he turned and said to the old lady, "I'm sorry I ate all of your peanuts." "Oh that's all right," she replied. "I couldn't eat them anyway. You see, my teeth are bad, and it took me all the morning just to suck the chocolate off of them!"

 

A preacher who looked like Conway Twitty rang the doorbell of an old lady's house. When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!" The preacher said, "No, I'm Reverend Jones, and I'm holding a revival meeting at the little church on the corner. Sure would like for you to attend the service."

He then went to the next house. A middle‑aged woman came to the door. She screamed, "Conway Twitty!" He explained the same thing to her and invited her to attend the service at the church. He then went to the last house on the block, rang the doorbell, and a pretty young woman came to the door. When she saw him she threw out her arms and screamed, "Conway Twitty!" To which the reverend replied, "Hello, Darlin'."

 

A Priest was preparing the Eulogy for a well known citizen of their town when he was approached by Paul, the brother of the deceased, who said, "I know my brother John's reputation wasn't sterling, so would it be possible for him to go out as a Saint? I'll give the church ten thousand dollars if you'll put that in your eulogy." The Priest, who realized that his parish could really use the money, wanted to make sure he understood exactly what Paul wanted him to do. "You mean, all I have to do is say the words 'John was a Saint' and you'll give me the money?" Paul said, "Yep!" So, the two agreed and the Priest thanked Paul for his generosity. At the funeral, the Priest began his eulogy in his usual manner by saying, "We are gathered here to pay our last respects to Poor John. He was selfish, he had a terrible temper, he beat his wife, not to mention that he was Unfaithful, and he was known to do a lot of gambling." He paused for a moment, remembering the ten thousand dollars and then said, "Now if you think the sins of poor John were many, compared to his living brother Paul, I must say, that poor ‘John was a Saint!'"

 

The town church was holding its revival, and different families would invite the preacher to dinner each night. On one night the minister didn't know how to get to the family's house, so the dad said, "We'll let our son ride with you and show you the way." On the way the son said, "I bet you don't know what we're having for dinner!" The preacher said, "I'll bet its chicken." The boy said, "Nope. It's buzzard!" The preacher said, "How do you know?" The boy said, "I heard my mama and daddy talking this morning and they said, 'We gotta have the old buzzard for dinner one day so it might as well be today!"'

 

A new pastor and his wife were going around to the homes of the congregation to get acquainted and in one house the lady of the home invited them into the living room and she excused herself to go to the kitchen to make drinks.  Looking around the room, the pastor noticed a small vase on the mantel.  He picked it up, and just then the hostess walked back into the room.  "I'm curious," the pastor said, "what's this?"  "Oh, my husband's ashes are in there," she replied.  "Oh, Goodness, I'm sorry," the pastor quickly replied, "I didn't mean to show any disrespect."  "It's okay," replied the lady, "he's just to lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

 

A banker, a lawyer, and a preacher had nervous breakdowns from the stress of their jobs and were all placed in a mental institution for recovery.  After some time, the doctor came to ask them a series of questions to determine if any of the men were ready to be released back into society and rejoin the outside world.  The first patient, the banker, entered the room.  "How much is two plus two?" asked the doctor.  "Five Thousand!" answered the banker.  "I'm sorry," replied the doctor, "That's not correct."   The second patient, the lawyer, entered the room.  Again the doctor asked, "How much is two plus two?"  "Tuesday!" answered the second patient.  "I'm sorry," replied the doctor.  "That's not correct."  The preacher entered the room next.  Again the doctor asked, "How much is two plus two?"  "Four," answered the preacher.  The doctor, obviously delighted, asked the preacher how he got the answer.  "That's easy," the preacher responded, "I just divided five thousand by Tuesday!"

 

This mountain preacher was holding a revival.  He was from the area.  It was difficult to bring heaven to earth and deny the earth that you came from at the same time, but he was trying!  He wanted the congregation's whole attention and was trying his best to get it when a dog fight broke out just outside the church house window.  People were looking to see what was causing the ruckus and the mountain preacher could see better than anybody else, and he wanted to hold their attention, but he was watching the dog fight, too.  He was into his preaching chant and he said something like this:  "Now, take no heed to the dog fight, ah!  You must be reverent in the church of God, ah!  But bless my soul, ah!  if that little dog ain't gonna whip the tar out of that big dog, ah!"

 

A preacher stayed with a farm couple on a Saturday night before preaching on Sunday.  The wife got up early to cook a huge breakfast, and then called her husband and the preacher.  The preacher came down but said, "I never eat before I preach."  The man and woman ate, and then the woman and the preacher went on to church.  The man stayed home.  When his wife returned after the service, he asked how the sermon was.  "He could have et first," the woman said. 

 

The preacher had been invited to dinner at the home of parishioners, and he was seated by the hostess.  He had a glass of wine, to which he was unaccustomed.  Halfway through the meal he turned to his hostess and said, "I don't want to alarm you, but I think I'm paralyzed.  I've been squeezing my leg for about five minutes, and I can't feel a thing."  "Oh, don't worry," she said, "that's my leg you've been squeezing."

 

There was this rural church where one of the good brethren had as his self-ordained function keeping the air circulating through the church house, and about the middle of the service, he would get up and go over to the side and raise the window and let the air come through.  One Sunday morning this man got up to raise the window, as was his calling.  he was a big, hefty man; had a big front; his belt was tight around his belly like a piece of baling wire around a sack of seed corn.  He went over and jerked on the window and his belt came loose, and his pants fell down around his knees!  And , of course, the reverence went out the window that he'd just raised. And, ever since that event, every time he would go to the window, a hush would fall over the congregation as they waited for some great wonder to befall them again!

 

One pastor has a plaque over his desk with the following inscription:  DON'T WORRY IF YOUR JOB IS SMALL AND YOUR REWARDS ARE FEW;  REMEMBER THAT THE MIGHTY OAK......WAS ONCE A NUT LIKE YOU.

 

The night that a young preacher and his wife got married, the young bride put a footlocker in the bedroom of their country home.  She locked it and put the key on a chain that hung around her neck.  For the next fifty years, the preacher tried to figure out what was in the locker, but his wife always changed the subject, never giving him a straight answer.  Finally, on the date of their 50th anniversary the preacher could stand it no more, and demanded to know from his wife what was in the footlocker.  Under pressure she finally relented and opened the box and there were 5 eggs and $13,000 in bills.  "I don't understand," he said, "Why the 5 eggs and $3000 in the footlocker?"   His wife explained, "When we were first married, I determined that every time you preached a bad sermon I would put an egg in the footlocker."  "Well," The preacher thought, "5 bad sermons in 50 years is not bad...but why the $13,000 in cash?"   "Well," she explained, "Every time I got a dozen eggs I sold them."

 

A minister answered his telephone to hear a woman's voice request, "Send six cases of vodka to my house, please."  The pastor recognized the voice as that of one of his parishioners.  Gently he replied, "I am your minister."  He expected an apology from the woman for dialing the wrong number.  Instead, there was a pause for a few seconds, and the woman retorted almost angrily, "PASTOR, ....What are YOU doing at the liquor store?"

 

A little old lady got into an argument with her pastor.  The pastor thought he would never see her again.  However she showed up for the evening service the same Sunday.  "I thought you'd gone for good," he said to her.  "Pastor," she said, "I'm going to be loyal to my church, even if the devil is in the pulpit."

 

A pulpit committee was interviewing a prospective pastor.  "Preacher, we want a pastor that will stay a while.  So many of our pastors don't stay very long," the chairman remarked.  "Folks, I'm your man," he replied.  "I stayed with the last two churches until they both died."

 

"How many members do you have in your church?" a friend of the pastor inquired.  "Three hundred and fifty," replied the pastor.  "Are all of them active?" asked the friend.  "Yes," replied the pastor, "One hundred seventy-five are working for me, and the other one hundred and seventy-five are working against me."

 

The minister's wife held a garden party and, through an oversight, forgot to invite one little old lady who had been a member of the church since it was built.  The party was well in progress in the sunny garden when the minister's wife suddenly remembered the old lady.  She excused herself from the guests and ran in to the telephone.  "Oh, Mrs. Flibberty," she exclaimed in an apologetic tone, "we wouldn't dream of omitting you deliberately.  Please come on out!"  "Oh no, it's too late now," crackled the little old voice on the other end of the line.  "Why too late?" said the minister's wife. "I can send a car for you!"  "No, no, it's too late," the old voice repeated.  "I've already prayed for rain."

 

The janitor had dropped a box of tacks in the pulpit of the church.  "Now what if you should miss picking up all of those tacks and I should step on one during  my sermon?" the aggravated minister asked.  "Sir," replied the janitor, "I bet that's one point you wouldn't linger on."

 

A man told his boss he was called to be a preacher and resigned his job.  But he was back on the job in two weeks.  "I thought you were called by God to preach," he was asked.  "Yes, but that was before He heard me preach," he replied.

 

A newly graduated seminary student wanted his first sermon to be the best, so he studied and prepared for days.  His topic was about Jesus feeding the five thousand.  Everything went perfectly during the service and it was time for his message.  During the message, he became confused and said, "Jesus took the 5000 loaves and 2000 fishes and fed five.  Now that's a miracle!  Could you do that?"  An old deacon in the front nodded that he could.  The young preacher was furious, so after the service he stopped the deacon and said, "Now, how could you perform that miracle?"  The deacon explained the mistake he had made in his numbers.  The young preacher tried to find a way to cover his mistake in his next sermon.  The more he thought the more confused he became, so he decided to meet his mistake head-on and preach the next Sunday on the same subject.  The next Sunday morning he got it all together and preached it correctly.  Jesus took the five loaves and the two fish and fed the five thousand.  Then he said, "Could any of you do that?"  The old deacon nodded yes again.  The young preacher was really furious this time, and stopped his sermon and asked the deacon in front of everyone, "Now, how in the world could you feed five thousand with five loaves and two fish?"  "Well," the old deacon exclaimed, "I'd just use what I had left over from last Sunday."

 

 

Every Sunday morning at the same point in the service, Pastor Fred left the platform for a brief time to talk to the kids in children's church.  One new member didn't understand what was going on, so following the service he observed, “Preacher, you are first pastor I ever saw who takes a coffee break during the service.”

 

Delivering a building fund-raising banquet speech on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes that he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.  Because he wanted to tell the jokes over again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might submit to their newspapers.  A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with these words: “The minister told a number of stories that cannot be printed.”

 

A Pastor was making visitation rounds on his trusty bicycle, when he turned a corner and came upon a young boy trying to sell a lawn mower.  “How much do you want for it?” the preacher asked.  “I just need enough money to buy a bicycle,” the boy explained.  After a moment of thought, the preached asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?” “Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.”  The preacher took the mower and began to crank it.  He pulled on the cord a few times with no reaction from the machine.  The preacher called the boy over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.”  The little boy said, “My dad says you have to cuss it to get it started.”  The preacher replied, “I am a minister, and I cannot cuss.  I have been saved so long I don’t even remember how to cuss.”  The little boy looked at him with a sparkle in his eye, “Just keep pulling on that cord, and it’ll come back to you.”

 

The minister phoned the city’s newspaper.  “Thank you very much,” he said, “for the error you made when you printed my sermon title on the church page.  The topic I sent you was ‘WHAT JESUS SAW IN A PUBLICAN’.  You printed it as ‘WHAT JESUS SAW IN A REPUBLICAN’.  I had the biggest crowd of the year.”

 

I hope you didn’t take it personally, Reverend,” an embarrassed woman said after church service, “when my husband walked out during your sermon.”  “Well, I did find it rather disconcerting,” the preacher replied.  “It’s not a reflection on you, sir,” insisted the churchgoer.  “Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.”

 

When the new First Church pastor came to town, one of his first official activities was to visit his parishioners.  All went well until he knocked on the Smith's door.  It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door.  Finally he took out his card and wrote on the back, "Revelation 3:20, 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock:  if any man hear my voice and open the door, I will come in to him.'" and stuck it in the door.  On Sunday his card found its way into the offering plate.  Below his message was the notation, "Genesis 3:10, 'And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.'"

 

A newly appointed young minister was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service in a small country cemetery.  Because the deceased had no friends or family left, there was to be only a graveside service at the committal.  The pastor started to the cemetery early enough, but he soon lost his way, causing him to arrive 30 minutes late.  There was no hearse or funeral director in sight, just the workmen, who were sitting under a tree eating lunch.  Moving to the newly dug grave, the minister opened his prayer book and read the service over the vault lid that was in place.  When returning to his car, the preacher overheard one of the workman say, "Maybe we'd better tell him that's a septic tank."

 

A preacher was doing some chores at his home.  He had a dog named Mace, and Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the Preacher's lawn, so the Preacher had to keep Mace inside.  The grass eventually became overgrown.  One day the preacher was working on his car in his back yard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass.  The poor preacher looked and looked and he could not find that wrench, so he decided to give up and call it a day.  That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the back yard.  The next morning the preacher went outside and saw his wrench gleaming in the sunlight.  Realizing what had happened he looked up to the heavens and proclaimed...."A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me....."

 

A Retired Preacher was walking along a beach and came upon a lamp.  He picked it up and rubbed the dust off of it and a Genie popped out!  The Genie said, "Oh, Thank you for freeing me!"  Because you have freed me from the lamp, I will grant you a wish.  The Preacher thought for a moment and said, "I love Hawaii.  I wish you could pave a highway between California and Hawaii, because I despise flying and riding on boats!  With a Highway, I could drive all the way to Hawaii!"  The Genie scratched his head and replied, "Man, do you know how deep the Ocean is?  That would be pretty hard to do....Do you have another wish?  Well, the preacher thought again and said, "I know...how about this....All of my life....all through my ministry I never could figure out women and how they think.  Can you tell the secret as to just how a woman thinks?"

The Genie replied, "How many lanes did you want on that highway, two or four?"

 

The new preacher at Dry Gulch Community Church was so nervous about delivering his first sermon that he'd not gotten much sleep for several nights.  Matter of fact, he was so tired he could barely make it up the steps to his pulpit.  Fortunately, he found his text and began preaching.  But nervousness soon overtook him, and the outline flew right out of his mind.  Now, in Bible School he'd been taught that if a lapse of memory occurs, it is wise to repeat your last point.  And so he did. "Behold," he quoted, "I come quickly," but his mind was still a blank. He tried one more time, still no memory of what was to come next.  Another attempt, but no results.  Finally he stepped back and made a lunge toward the pulpit, shouted out, "Behold, I come quickly," tripped, and fell into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.  Flustered and embarrassed, he picked himself up, apologized profusely, and started to explain what had happened.  "That's all right, young man," said the kindly old lady. "It was really my fault.  You warned me three times that you were on your way down here.  I should have just gotten out of your way."

 

Aunt Trudy had just returned home from Sunday evening service when she was startled by a burglar.  Without hesitation she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!", which implies 'Turn from your sin."  The thief stopped dead in his tracks.  Then the woman calmly call the police and explained what she had done.  As the officer cuffed the man, he asked the burglar, "Why did you stop"?  All the old lady did was yell a Bible verse at you." 

"Bible verse?" replied the crook.  She said she had an ax and two .38s!"

 

A Pastor and his wife got into an argument every morning over who would get up and fix coffee.  The Pastor finally said, "If you can give me one good reason why I should always be the one to get up and make the coffee, I want to hear it." The shrewd wife said, "I have a Biblical reason you should get up and make the coffee..."  He demanded she show him where in the Bible it says HE should make the coffee in the mornings.  She turned to.....HEBREWS....

 

On a balmy evening in the South Pacific, a navy ship spied smoke coming from one of 3 huts on an uncharted island.  Upon arriving at the shore, the crew was met by a shipwreck survivor.  He said, “I'm so glad you're here.  I've been alone here for more than five years.” 

The captain replied, “If you're all alone, why do I see three huts?”

The survivor answered, “Well, I live in one and go to church in another.”  What about the third hut?” asked the captain. “That's where I used to go to church.”

 

Las Sunday, Annie’s pastor challenged his congregation to be aware of opportunities to testify for Jesus.  Now Annie was certainly known for her faith and her boldness in talking about her Lord. She was known to stand on her front porch and for the benefit of her atheist neighbor, shout, “Praise the Lord!” resulting in her godless neighbor’s response, “There ain't no God!”  When hard times set in, Annie stood on her porch and prayed, “Praise the Lord!” Please God, send me some groceries.”  The next morning she found a large bag of groceries on her porch, which caused her to shout, “Praise the Lord!”

On cue, her neighbor jumped out from behind a bush and cried, “Hey, don’t give God the credit – I bought those groceries, He didn’t!”  Annie laughed, jumped up and down, clapped her hands, and shouted, “Praise the Lord!  He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!”

 

A preacher wanted to buy a Christian dog, so he found one for sale advertised as such.  The preacher asked the man, "How do I know this is a Christian dog?"  "Well," said the man, "He can look up Books in the Bible!"  The man proceeded to tell the dog, "Look up First Corinthians."  The dog went over to the Bible and flipped the pages with his paws until he arrived at 1st Corinthians.  "That is amazing!" the preacher said, "What else can the dog do?"  "He can pray," the man replied, and at that point the dog sat up on his hind legs and folded his front paws, and closed his eyes.  "Incredible" said the preacher.  "What else can he do?"   "He can do miracles," the man said.  "This dog has the gift of Healing."  At that point, the dog leaped up on the preacher's lap and put his paw on the preacher's forehead and said, "Heel."

 

Jews don't recognize Jesus, Protestants don't recognize the Pope, and Baptists don't recognize one another in the liquor store.

 

One morning the devil decided to go to church.  He appeared suddenly, just before the offering, in a shower of flame, sparks, and smoke.  He ran up and won the aisle screaming, and all of the congregation ran out, except for one old man sitting in the back.  The devil leaned over him, shook his spear, let a ferocious roar, and cried, "I am Satan, Beelzebub, the Prince of Darkness.  I am evil incarnate.  Do you not fear me?"  The old man said, "Why should I?  I've been married to your sister for 48 years."

 

A man in the passenger train car asked for something from the porter that couldn't be supplied. He then called out, "Is there a Catholic priest in the car?"  No one answered. "Is there an Episcopalian minister in the car?"  Still, no one answered.  A voice finally spoke up.  "If you need spiritual comfort, I'm a Methodist minister," someone volunteered.  "I don't want spiritual comfort," the man said.  "I want a corkscrew."

 

A rural minister, discovering at the last minute that he'd forgotten to invite a little old lady to his garden party, called her up and asked her to come. "It's too late," she said. "I've already prayed for rain."

 

The minister was waiting when his teenage daughter returned home from a dance at 3 a.m.  "Good morning, child of the devil," he thundered.  The girl answered respectfully, "Good morning, Father."

 

The rural farm wife said to her young son, "I'm going out to collect eggs.  If the butcher comes, let me know. I need to talk to him."  A few minutes later the minister stopped by.  The boy, forgetting whom his mother wanted to talk to, called out back.  "Ma! That man's here now."  His mother called back, "I can't come in quite yet.  Give him a dollar out of my purse and tell him we didn't like his tongue last week. And if it's no better this week, we're gonna change."

 

During his last visit to the U.S., the pope was so impressed with the limousine provided for him that he asked if could drive it.  The startled chauffeur balked at the idea, but the pope insisted, so they finally pulled over  and switched seats.  The pope immediately stomped on the gas pedal and began weaving boldly  through the rush-hour traffic.  After only a few minutes, they were spotted by a patrolman and pulled over.  After a brief warning, the officer meekly returned to his partner.  Forget about this one, he mumbled, shaking his head.  "I couldn't give him a ticket."  "Why? Is it the mayor?" asked the partner.  "Bigger," said the wide-eyed cop ominously.  "Not the Governor surely?"  "Nope, Bigger than that." he replied.  "Well, WHO was it?" his partner demanded.  "Look," said the first officer, "I don't really know who he was, but his chauffeur was the POPE!"

 

After watching a minister match coins with a member to see who would pay for coffee, a bystander asked, "Preacher, doesn't that constitute gambling?"  The preacher replied, "Not at all, Son.  It's simply a scientific method of determining just who is going to commit an act of charity."

 

Preacher Jones was fond of peach brandy.  One of the men in his church said to him, "I'll be happy to give you a bottle of peach brandy if you'll promise to acknowledge it in the church bulletin.  The preacher thought about it for a few moments and agreed.  In due time, a note in small print appeared in the bulletin: "The preacher wants to thank the member of the congregation for his recent gift of fruit...and the spirit in which it was given!"

 

A visiting country clergyman delivered an entertaining talk at a small town banquet.  The following day, he was to address the Women's Club in a neighboring village.  Wishing to repeat some of this stories at the latter affair, he asked the newspaper reporter at the banquet not to print any of his anecdotes in the paper.  The next day, the account of the clergyman's speech concluded with:  "Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that cannot be published."

 

“There are 28 bars in this town and I’ve never been in one of them!” the country preacher cried.  From the back row, a little voice piped up, “Which one is that?”