Politics….Get Out the Vote!

A couple heard that they could ascertain which direction their infant son would go by putting certain objects in front of him to see which interested him most. So they put the Bible, a bottle of whiskey, and a twenty‑dollar bill on the floor in front of him and went into the next room and watched around the corner. They were told if the baby selected the Bible, he would enter the ministry;  If he picked the Twenty-dollar bill, he would be a businessman and make money; if he selected the whiskey bottle, he would be a drunk and not amount to much in life.  As they watched with anticipation, the infant crawled up to the items and examined each one closely and then grabbed all three and held them in his arms.  "Good Heavens, Ethel!” the man told his wife,  “He's going to be a politician."

A candidate for political office had been in the mental hospital, and his opponent brought it up in a debate. He pulled forth a certificate of release from the hospital and said, "I'm the only candidate on this platform who can produce a valid certificate of sanity."

A fellow running for political office come up on this widow woman's house, knocked on her door, and told her he was running for constable and would she vote for him? She said, "J.T. Atkins, I wouldn't vote for you if you was the last man on earth. You're a drunk, been in jail, ran off and left your wife, and you beat your kids. I just wouldn't vote for you a‑tall!" Well, J.T. went back to his truck, got out his clipboard and found her name, and wrote "doubtful."

A Fellow decided to run for office, and he went out campaigning. He met up with a man he knew and asked him to vote for him. “I wouldn't vote for you if you were St. Peter," the man replied. The would‑be politician retorted. "If I were St. Peter, I realize you wouldn’t vote for me because you wouldn’t be in my precinct.”

One running for political office said of his rival: "He has a great respect for the truth. That is why he uses it so sparingly."

A fellow applied for the job as press spokesman for the state legislature. He went for an interview. The interviewer said, "Your application is full of exaggeration, distortion, and lies…….. Can you come to work Monday?"

 A man was sent to the penitentiary for stealing hams. After a year, the man's wife went to The Governor for a pardon.  "Is he a good worker?"  "No, Governor, he's a mite trifling.  "Does he go to church?"  "No, he never sets foot in a church."  "Does he run around with other women?”  "Yes, Governor, I'm sorry to say that he does."  "Then why do you want him out?"  "I'll be honest, Governor. We're getting short of hams."

A politician was waxing eloquent right in the middle of a public debate on the town square platform when his false teeth went flying out across the platform landing several feet in front of him. The politician stopped his speech and walked across the platform and picked up his teeth and put them back in his mouth.  He returned to the podium and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I’ll have you know that was the first false thing that has come out of my mouth all evening!”

 I’ve got to tell you one about Willie thorp.  Willie lives back there in Little Tater Valley, and he was working at Oak Ridge and got laid off.  He decided to go squirrel hunting. Well, it had come a big heavy rain while he was out hunting, and he was without shelter, so he crawled up into big hollow log and went to sleep. The rain kept coming down, and that log swole up so that old Willie couldn’t get out!  So he shot every shell he had, dug and clawed trying to get out, and he decided that the was going to die right there in that log.  All at once, everything he’d ever done wrong flashed right in front of his mind, and he happened to think that at one time he voted for a Republican during a certain election.  It made him feel so ashamed and so little, he shrunk up and crawled right out of there!

Another candidate for office was accused by his opponent of being illiterate.  He heatedly responded, “That’s a LIE! My pappy and mammy was married six months before I was born.”

A fellow over in Frankfort, Kentucky many years ago killed a hog during a term of the legislature,, scraped and cleaned it, cut it in half, and hung the two sides in his smokehouse to cool.  During the night, someone stole one of the halves.  He went tearing down to the capital and accused the Republicans of the theft. One of the Republican legislatures took issue with him.  “How do you know it was a Republican?” he demanded.  “Because a Democrat would have taken both halves,” the man retorted.

A political committee chairman for his political party and his assistant were out late one night at a cemetery with flashlights Recording names from the tombstones and putting them on absentee ballots.  The assistant whispered to the chairman, “I can’t make out this fellow’s first name because it’s covered with moss….should I just move on to the next one?” “No Sir,” replied the committee chairman, “Put down what it looks like the best you can…that man has the right to have his vote COUNTED just as much as any other person in this cemetery!”

A politician was giving a speech in a rural district when a yokel tossed a cabbage onto the platform.  The quick-thinking politician gave it a sidelong glance and said, “It appears that one of my opponents has lost his head.”

During the last election, two candidates for the office of mayor in a small southern town were engaged in a knock-down, drag-out debate.  Finally one candidate jumped to his feet, leveled a finger at the other and challenged, “I dare you, sir, to tell us about the powerful interest that controls you!”  “now wait a just a minute,” roared the accused.  “You leave MY WIFE out of this!”

After running for sheriff and being beaten 15,555 to 25, the defeated candidate walked down Main Street with two guns hanging from his belt.  “You have no right to carry a gun, you weren’t elected,” a fellow citizen pointed out.  “Listen,” he replied, “a man with no more friends that I’ve got in this county needs to carry a gun!”

The Democratic Ward boss was approached by a wealthy neighborhood businessman who needed some favors.  The tycoon offered the Political boss a new sports car, but the wily politician declined.  “My deep sense of public service, “he explained, “and my innate honesty prevents me from accepting.”  “Okay, said the businessman, “How about if I sell the car to you for $10?”  “Well, in that case, “ said the ward boss, “I’ll take two.”

A Politician was campaigning and met a one-armed veteran.  “I’m running for sheriff, said the politician. “I hope I can count on your vote.”  The old veteran looked down at his empty sleeve and said, “Well, I’m not sure I can vote for you.”  “Of course you can,” said the politician, “it only takes one arm to pull that lever on the voting machine.”  “I know that,” said the vet, “but how could I hold my nose?”

A political candidate was making a speech when suddenly a heckler began shouting, “Liar! Liar!”   Finally the candidate stopped, pointed to the man, and said, “If you, sir, will be kind enough to give me your name instead of your calling, I will be happy to meet you later.”

Hillary Clinton was out walking near the Senate Building one day when she saw a young boy trying to sell a litter of tiny puppies.  “My, there so cute,” said the former First Lady.   “And they’re all democrats,” replied the boy.  “Is that so?” said Hillary.  “I tell you, I’m so taken with these puppies that if you’ve got one left at the weekend, I’m going to buy one.”  The following weekend, Hillary passed the same spot and saw the boy with just two puppies left. “I’d like to buy one,” she said.  “How much?”  “Fifty dollars each,” said the boy.  “They’re both Republicans.”  “Wait a minute,” snapped Hillary. “The other day you said they were Democrats.”  “Well, yes, ma’am,” answered the boy.  “But since then they’ve opened their eyes.”

A Republican candidate, in a house-to-house canvass, was trying to persuade a voter to ballot for that ticket.  “No,” said the voter, “my father was a Democrat, and so was my grandfather, and I won’t vote anything but the Democratic ticket.”  “That’s no argument,” said the candidate, “suppose your father and your grandmother had been horse thieves; would that make you a horse thief?”  “No,” came the answer, “I suppose in that case I’d be a Republican.”

A Kentuckian had seventeen children, all boys.  When they came of age they voted uniformly the Democratic ticket….all except one boy.  The father was asked to explain this evident fall from grace.  “Waal,” he said, “I’ve always tried to bring them boys up right, in the fear of the Lord and Democrats to the bone, but John, the onery cuss, got to readin’.”

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced the altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted. Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman replied, "You are in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be a republican, "said the balloonist. '.I am," said the woman." "How did you know?" "Well", answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea. what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." The woman below responded. "You must be a democrat." " I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Seated next to a blowhard at a POLITICAL dinner was an Oriental fellow dressed in the robes of one of the Far Eastern countries. The blowhard politician, attempting to make conversation, leaned over and said: "You like soupee?" The Oriental fellow nodded his head. "You like steakee?"The politician then asked. The Oriental nodded again. As it turned out, the guest speaker at the dinner was our Oriental friend, who got up and delivered a beautiful fifty-minute address in flawless Oxford English. He returned to his place at the head of the table, sat down, turned to his dinner partner, and said, "You like speechee?"

A preacher phoned the city's newspaper. "Thank you very much," said he, "for the error you made when you announced my sermon topic for last Sunday. The topic I sent you was 'What Jesus Saw in a Publican.' You printed it as 'What Jesus Saw in a Republican.' I had the biggest crowd of the year!"

A colored voter had tried his best to follow the reasoning of the political spokesman. As he came out of the assembly ball, a fellow Texan asked him, "Who war de speaker?" "Aw didn't Jes' get de gemmen's name,” was the reply, "but he suhtainly did 'preciate hisself powerful highly."

A -Southern politician, when candidate for office on the Republican ticket, related the following story of his campaign. "Once I told three sharecroppers that I'd give a big turkey to the one who'd give the best reason for his being a Republican.  "The first one said: 'Ahm a ‘publican cause the ‘publicans is fer bigga crop sharin'---' “Very good, Pete,' said I.  'Now, Bill, let me hear from You.'  “Well, ahm a 'publican 'cause of the pertective tariff.'  "  'Fine!' I exclaimed. 'Now, Clete, what have you to say?’ “Well now,' said Clete, scratching his head and shifting from one foot to the other, 'Ah'd say ahm a ‘publican 'cause ah wants that turkey.'  “And he got it."

Six political job holders were carrying the body of a man who had been killed into the funeral home.  The undertaker was very much annoyed.  "Why," he asked, “didn't you bring this man's body here at three o'clock., as you Promised?  It's now after six."  “Sorry," replied the leader, "but we had to wait until the five o'clock whistle blew to find out which one of the men was dead.”

 "What makes you think the-baby is going to be a great politician?" asked the young mother, anxiously. "I'll tell you," answered the Young father,condently; "He can say more things that sound well and mean nothing at all than any kid I ever saw.

After a politician had just left the room acting like everyone there was his best friend, one fellow said to another, “He's so crooked I always count my fingers after shaking hands with him.

A Senator once disposed of a minor politician who challenged him to a debate by simply giving the following fable to the press: A skunk once challenged a lion to a single combat. The lion promptly declined the honor of such a meeting. "How," said the skunk, "are you afraid?" "Very much so," quoth the lion, "for you would only gain fame by having the honor to fight a lion, while every one who met me for a month to come would know that I had been in company with a skunk."

 The political speaker was warming up to his subject."As Daniel Webster says in his great dictionary-" he began by way of illustration. "Hey!" came a voice from the audience. "It was Noah who wrote the dictionary." "You are mistaken, my friend," said the speaker unabashed. "Noah built the ark:'

Politicians used to kiss babies to get elected.  Now some politicians wait till the babies are grown.

“You don't see me at Vegas or the track throwing my money around anymore," says Bob Hope. "I've got a government to support."

Most Politicians make speeches that are like horns on a steer--a point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.

Two fellows were discussing politics and the old timer compared Franklin Roosevelt with one of our recent presidents and how things have changed: “Back then it was a CHICKEN IN EVERY POT…nowadays we have a POT-SMOKIN’ CHICKEN….”

A Chairman of the central committee was receiving reports from the county committees. "Things never looked better for a clean sweep for the Republican ticket than they do this fall," reported one county Warwick. "It's dollars to doughnuts that we'll even elect the candidate for judge of probate." "What makes that so important?" the chairman asked.  "Well, you see the Democrats put up a man who had only one arm several years ago and we've never been able to overcome the appeal of that empty sleeve. But

he's our meat this time, boys. We Republicans have nominated a man who is paralyzed from his neck up!”

A West Side politician got is first dinner coat, recently, in time for a dressy function to which he was invited. He had a little trouble tying his tie, so he dropped in at the corner saloon and asked the bar-keep which of the customers was good at tying a bow tie. "That fellow at the end of the bar there," said the bar-keep with a laconic gesture. The politician approached the somber-looking gentleman designated. "Would you mind tying this for me?" he asked, pulling his tie out of his pocket and slipping it under his collar. "Sure," said the man "but not that way. You'll have to lie down." An explanatory comment came from another bar patron.  "You see, he's an undertaker," he said.

A man ran for dogcatcher eight times and lost each time- His chances for election the ninth time were good, but somebody ran over the dog.

Ronald Reagon once said he had an uncle who was a DEMOCRAT in Chicago who’d received a silver cup from the party for voting fifteen straight elections….he’d been dead fourteen of them.

Isn’t it a shame that-all the -People who know how to run the country are driving cabs or cutting hair?

The following story is told about Abraham Lincoln.  A good man had just died and an eager office seeker with unseemly haste approached Mr. Lincoln about the job, though the dead man hadn't even been buried yet. “Mr.Lincoln,” he said, “do you see any objection to my being put in this poor man’s place?”

"Why, no,” said Lincoln, “I see no objection, if the undertaker doesn't."

In politics, a traitor is a man who quits your party to join the other one. A man who quits the other party to join yours is a convert..

Candidate-"We must grow more wheat and-" Heckler in Crowd-"Yes, but what about hay?" Candidate- 'I'm discussing human food now, but I'll come to your specialty in a moment."

A salesman, a doctor, and a politician  got lost in the woods. They wandered about, and finally came to a farmhouse. The farmer said, "I only have room for two of you. The third one will have to sleep in the barn with the animals." The salesman said, "I'll sleep in the barn. "A few minutes after they all went to bed, there was a noise outside. The salesman had slammed the barn door shut and was standing outside. "I couldn't stand the smell." The doctor volunteered to sleep in the barn. But no sooner had they started to go to sleep than he, too, stormed out of the barn. "I couldn't stand the smell." The politician volunteered to trade places. One minute after he went to bed, there was again noise from the barn area. There in the moonlight, standing just outside the barn door, were all the animals.

A lank, disconsolate farmer stood on the steps of the town hall during the progress of a political meeting. “Do you know who's talking in there now?" demanded a stranger briskly, pausing for a moment beside the farmer. "Or are you just going in?" "No, sir; I've just come out,” said the farmer decidedly. "Congressman smiffkins is talking in there."  “What about?" asked the stranger. "Well," continued the countryman, passing a knotted hand across his forehead, "he didn't say."

A politician was seeking re-election. “Fellow citizens," he said, "I stand before you on my record. If you had a hired man who had worked for you for a long time, would you not think it right for you to keep on employing him?" A voice from the audience broke in with: "Not if he got to thinkin' that he owned the whole blamed farm."

Just before the breaking up of Congress, as several of the members were making themselves merry in the lobby, one of them jollied another on the very religious strain in which he had indulged in the last speech he had inflicted upon the house. "I'll bet You five dollars," said Macarty, "You can't repeat the Lord's Prayer now, if you try.  "I'll take You up," said Kolloch, and  assuming an appropriate religious air, recited:”Now I lay me down to sleep, I Pray the Lord my soul to keep; If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.” "There! I told You I could."  "Well, I give up," said Macarty, paying over the money. “I wouldn't have thought you could do it.”

What a politician Columbus would have been.  When Columbus started out, he didn't know where he was going. When he got there, he didn't know where he was. When he got back, he didn't know where he had been. And he did all of it on other people's money.

The governor of the state was an all-around chap, so often he would do the driving while he let his chauffeur sit in the backseat. One day the governor happened to forget himself and started speeding, only to be stopped by two highway patrolmen on motorcycles. One officer said, "Who's that sitting in back?" The other officer peered in and said, "I don't know, but he's got to be mighty important. The governor is his chauffeur..”

"What would -be a -good way to raise revenue and still benefit the people?" "Tax every political speech made in this country."

"Speaker (getting tired of being interrupted): “We seem to have a great many fools here tonight. Wouldn't it be advisable to hear one at a time?”  Man (in audience): “Yes. Get on with your speech.”

 A politician was waxing eloquent on a street corner,"We must get rid of radicalism, Socialism, Bolshevism, Communism and anarchism:” Voice from the Crowd-"And while we're about it, why not throw in rheumatism?"

A farmer was out working in his field one day when a carload of politicians came flying by.  They were going too fast for the curve and turned over in a ditch.  Later the sheriff stopped by and asked the farmer if he has seen the car.  “Yep,” replied the farmer.  “Where are they?” asked the sheriff.  “Over there,” replied the farmer pointing to the ditch filled with fresh dirt.  “You buried them?” asked the sheriff, “Were they still alive?”  Replied the farmer, “They said they were, but you know how them politicians lie.”

A politician running for office was outraged at certain remarks which had been made about him in the local newspaper.  Incensed, he barged into the editorial room of the paper and shouted, “You are printing lies about me and you know it!”  “Relax,” the editor said calmly, “What on God’s green earth would you do if we told the truth about you?”

A candidate for city council was doing some door-to-door campaigning, and things were going pretty well, he thought, till he came to the house of a grouchy-looking fellow.  After the candidate’s little speech, the fellow said, “Vote for YOU?  Why I’d rather vote for the DEVIL!”  “I understand,” said the candidate. “But in case your friend is not running, may I count on your support?”

Former President Bill Clinton was walking along the beach one day when he saw a bottle.  He picked it up and a genie jumped out and said, “I’ll give you TWO wishes for freeing me!”  “Wow,” the former President said.  After thinking for a few seconds he said, “Make me 10 times smarter than I am right now!”  “Very well,” said the genie…POOF!  “You’re now as smart as HILARY!”  “Man, this is neat!” said the President.  “What’s your second wish?” said the genie.  “For my second wish, make me 100 TIMES smarter!”  “Very well,” said the genie, “You’re now RUSH LIMBAUGH!”