Man's Best Friend...and Other Pets

Colonel Walker had a annual fox hunt.  One of the first arrivals was a Colonet Bradley, who sat sipping a mint julep with Colonel Walker, who told him, "Ed, I've got the greatest dog ever bred."  And just then a big yellow hound ambled up and laid down on the veranda.  Colonel Bradley remarked on what a fine-looking dog it was.  "That's the hound I'm talking about."  Colonel Walker said, "that's old Carbolic.  No dog ever headed him.  He can whip his weight in wildcats.  Wait till you see him in action tonight!"  But they didn't have to wait.  A big tomcat strolled by and Carbolic took after him, across the pasture toward the L&N Railroad tracks, where the hound caught up with the cat.  The fight was furious, right in the middle of the tracks, when an express train rounded the curve and made mincemeat of both the dog and the cat.  It happened so fast both Colonels were speechless as they walked to the fatal scene.  Colonel Bradley finally said, "Colonel Walker, there's nothing I can say to console you for the loss of your great dog."  Walker was silent until they reached the place where the speeding locomotive had hit Carbolic and the cat.  There was nothing left but hide and hair.  "I'll never breed his equal," Walker said, "but I'm not thinking about myself.  I'm worried about old Carbolic...he had so much PRIDE.  Through all eternity he'll think that TOMCAT killed him!"

A preacher was called to give a trial sermon.  After he had preached he made his way out of the church so the church could vote on him.  On his way down the aisle, he kicked a boy's dog, and said, "Get out of here, you mongrel."  Everybody saw what he'd done, so they followed him out of the church and formed a circle around him.  A deacon said, "Brother preacher, I want to thank you for running that dog out of the church."  The preacher said, "You want to thank me?  Why?"  The deacon said, "I wouldn't have my dog hear that sermon for anything in the world."