Pass the Plate

   A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others. He took a later plane home, arriving back at 3 a.m. He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole, and planted the money in it. The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf‑mute. On the same street lived a preacher who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the preacher, and he dragged him over to the deaf man's house. "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000, I'm going to kill him!" be screamed at the old preacher. The preacher conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."  The preacher turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

    A woman who faithfully played the lottery finally won twenty million dollars! But she was afraid to tell her husband for fear that he would drop over dead of a heart attack. So she went to her neighbor and asked for a suggestion as to how to tell him. Her neighbor told her she had no idea. So the woman went to her minister and asked his advice. The minister said, "Don't worry about it. I'll just take him to lunch and I'll find a way to break it to him gently." So the minister asked the woman's husband to lunch and while they were eating he said to the man, "Boy! A lot of people are winning the lottery these days. What would you do if you won that big twenty‑million dollar jackpot?" The man replied, "Well, first, I'd give half to You and the church," whereupon the minister dropped over dead of a heart attack.

    A Baptist deacon had advertised a cow for sale. "How much are you asking for it?" inquired a prospective purchaser. "A hundred and fifty dollars," said the advertiser. "And how much milk does she give?" "Four gallons a day," he replied. "But how do I know that she will actually give that amount?" asked the purchaser. ,,Oh, you can trust me reassured the advertiser, "I'm a Baptist deacon." "I'll buy it," replied the other. "I'll take the cow home and bring you back the money later. You can trust me, I'm a Presbyterian elder." When the deacon arrived home he asked his wife, "What is a Presbyterian elder?" "Oh, "she explained, "a Presbyterian elder is about the same as a Baptist deacon." "Oh, dear," groaned the deacon, "I have lost my cow!”

    The strong man at the circus was demonstrating his strength by taking a green sapling stick and squeezing the sap out of it. When he had squeezed out several drops, he asked if anyone from the audience would like to try and a frail‑looking little lady came forward, took the stick in both hands, and squeezed. To the amazement of the strong man, a rivulet of sap ran down over her knuckles. "Who are you, anyhow, lady?" he asked.  "Oh, I'm just the treasurer down at the Baptist church,"' she replied.

Preacher: "Please take it easy on the bill for repairing my car. Remember, I am a poor preacher."  Mechanic: "I know; I heard you Sunday!"

A country church was located so far out in the country that for many years there was no electricity. Finally, The Electric country did run power out to the church.  At one of the business meetings of the church, someone stood and said, “I make a motion that our church buy a chandelier.”  The most cantankerous member of the church, an old deacon, made the following plea, “ I’m a’gin it! .I hope we don’t vote to buy a chandelier.” "Why don't you think we need a chandelier, brother deacon?" asked the pastor. "Well, After thinking long and hard on this situation, I have come up with three reasons why we should forget about buying a chandelier.  In the first place, if we bought a chandelier nobody in the church would know how to spell it.  In the second place, nobody in this church knows how to play it; and, third: what this church needs above all else is LIGHTS!”

Today more and more hippies are looking to religion for the answer to their problems. Last Sunday, a hippie went to church and he was so overwhelmed by the sermon he grabbed the preacher's hand when he left the church and said, "Dad, I read you; that sermon was the most; it was gone; you were right on" The preacher said, "I'm afraid I don't understand." The hippie said, “Yes, you do dad.  In fact, I liked it SO gone, I put twenty SAMOLAS in the collection plate." The preacher said, "Oh, GROOVY, man, GROOVY!"

    A minister married a couple. The woman had on a veil and he could not see her face. After the ceremony, the man asked the minister, "How much do I owe you?" "No charge," replied the minister. "But I want to show my appreciation." So the man gave him fifty cents.  About that time the bride pulled off her veil, and the minister, looking at the bride, gave the man twenty‑five cents change.

    The three sons of a lawyer, a doctor, and a minister, respectively, were talking about how much money their fathers made. The lawyer's son said, "My father goes into court on a case and often comes home with as much as fifteen hundred dollars." The doctor's son said, "My father performs an operation and earns as much as two thousand dollars for it." The minister's son, determined not to be outdone, said, "That's nothing. My father preaches for just twenty minutes on Sunday morning and it takes four men to carry the money."

    A pastor called a congregational meeting to decide whether to repair the church building or tear it down and build a new one. Most of the brethren wanted the new church, but the decision seemed to rest upon the attitude and generosity of a wealthy old deacon. When called upon to express himself, the brother arose and said: "It is true the old church is badly in need of repairs, and I think we should do that instead of building a new one. I'll subscribe Five Hundred dollars toward repairing the old church." The portly man, as he took his seat, jarred the building, and a piece of loose plaster fell on his head. Jumping to his feet he said: “This building is in worse shape than I thought. I'll make it five thousand for repairs." As he took his seat again, someone yelled out from the back: "Hit him again, Lord!”

A man who was seriously ill and called for the pastor. "Pastor, if you pray for me to recover and I do, I will give you twenty‑five thousand dollars toward the new church you are building!" The pastor prayed and the man got well. Although the pastor tried tactfully to remind him of his pledge, it met with no success. Finally, he frankly told him "You promised to give twenty-five thousand dollars for the new church." "Did I?” said the recovered man. "Well, that should give you some idea of how sick I really was."

    The train robber went from car to car, holding up the passengers and taking their money and jewelry. Eventually he came to the last man, who said, "You wouldn't rob a preacher, would you?" "What kind of a preacher are you?" the robber asked.  “I’m a Baptist preacher,” The old clergyman replied. The robber took the gun in his left hand, held out his right hand, and said, "Put it there, brother. I’m a baptist, too."

    The old Baptist preacher called all his creditors together to tell them he was going into bankruptcy. "I'm into YOU guys for over five hundred thousand dollars," he told them. "Unfortunately, I can't pay a penny of what I owe anybody. If you want, you can cut me up in little pieces and divide my body among you." "I vote we do it," shouted one of the creditors. "I'd like to have his gall."

    A hat was passed around a certain congregation for the purpose of taking up an offering for the visiting minister. Presently it was returned to him‑‑emphatically and embarrassingly empty. Slowly and deliberately, the parson inverted the hat and shook it meaningfully. Then, raising his eyes to heaven, he exclaimed fervently: "I thank Thee, dear Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."

    The old minister died. At his funeral the mourners were surprised to see six bankers acting as pallbearers. After the funeral, someone approached the director of the service and asked, "I don't understand. Preacher Jones hated bankers. Why were they his Pall bearers? "Mr. Jones put it in his will," replied the mortician. "He said they carried him so long while he was alive' they might as well finish the job.”

    There was a rich oilman who was getting married and was nervous about it. He told the minister that the fee would be in proportion to the brevity of the service and that if he used a long service he wouldn't receive a cent. When the wedding day came, the couple stood before the minister in the bride's home. The minister said to the man "Take her?" and to the woman, "Take him?" and then closed the ceremony by announcing, "Took."

    The preacher and his wife were visiting the home of a member of their congregation and were invited to stay for dinner, At the dinner table the Proud mother asked her five year‑old son to say grace, The boy said, "Mom, I don't know what to say.” The mother said, “Just Say what You hear daddy say all the time.”  The little boy bowed his head and said, “Good Lord! Where does all the money go?"

    An agent from the Internal Revenue‑Service called a preacher and said, "One of your church members, Sam Harris, put down on his income tax return that he had given $300 to the church. Is that true?" The preacher thought for a minute and replied, "If he didn't, he will.”

    Hoping to develop his son’s character, a father once gave him a dollar and a quarter as he was leaving for Sunday school. "Now, Billy, you put whichever one you want in the offering plate," he said. When the boy returned, his father asked which amount he had given. Billy answered, "Well, just before .they sent around the plate the preacher said, 'The Lord loveth a cheerful giver,' and I knew I could give the quarter a lot more cheerfully than I could give the dollar, so I gave it."

    A reluctant preacher was questioning the insurance agent "How do I know your company will Pay up Promptly should I have a claim?"  “you wanna talk prompt!" the agent boasted. Our company is on the tenth floor. A client of ours recently fell out of a 19th floor window of the same building and we handed him his check on the way down."

    A Baptist preacher who loved horses visited South Florida for his vacation. He saw a race track advertised and decided to visit it. He had never gambled but he just wanted to see the horses run. However, he noticed a Catholic priest blessing the horses before they ran in the race, and every one he blessed won. He thought, I know gambling is wrong, but this is not gambling‑it's a sure thing. So, he bet on the last horse that the priest had blessed. The horse started the race well, but ran slower and slower until at the finish line it fell dead. The Baptist minister confronted the priest and said, "Father, I don't understand. You blessed four horses and they all won, but the fifth one. I bet on him and he not only lost, but fell dead. How do you explain that?" The priest said, "I can tell you are not a Catholic, sir, for if you were you would know the difference between a blessing and a last rite.

    A preacher was sitting on an airplane next to a businessman in a nice suit and they began talking.The preacher asked the man what he did for a living and the businessman explained that he had Made millions by wise and shrewd deals and investments.  The minister asked the man if he went to church and businessman replied that he had no time for church.  As the flight continued the little plane they were on began bump and the ride was becoming very rough.  The engine began to sputter.  The businessman was visibly worried and the preacher overheard him mumble a prayer for help, “Lord, if you get to the ground safely, I’ll give you half of everything I own…” After awhile the plane did land safely to the ground, and as they were walking off the plane the preacher couldn’t help but ask the businessman if he was going to keep his deal he made with the Lord.  The businessman replied, “I made the Lord a BETTER deal just awhile ago.  I told Him if He ever caught me on a little airplane like that again, I’d give Him EVERYTHING I own!”

    A man called the church and the church secretary picked up the phone.  The man said, “I’d like to speak the CHIEF HOG of the Trough!”  The secretary replied, “Sir, we don’t refer to our pastor by such terms.  You must show more respect or I’m going to hang up!”  The man answered, “I was calling about donating ten thousand dollars to your church.”  The secretary paused for a moment and then said, “Hold on just a second, I think I hear the big fat pig coming down the hallway now.”

    As a little boy was leaving the church service with his family they all shook the minister’s hand and the little lad placed a quarter in the preacher’s pocket.  “What’s that for, young man?”  The little boy Replied, “It’s for you, preacher.  You must need it.  Daddy said you’re the poorest preacher he’s ever heard.”

After coming out of the water, a new member exclaimed, “Good grief, preacher, I forgot to remove my wallet from those trousers.  It’s dripping wet.”  “Hallalujah,” exulted the preacher, “We could stand more baptized wallets.”

PASTOR’S ANNOUNCEMENT BEFORE OFFERING: “I would like to remind you what you are about to give is deductible, cannot be taken with you, and is considered in the Bible to be the root of all evil.”

The worst feeling in the world—when the offering plate is passed around and you open your wallet to find that the only bill you have is a twenty….

One preacher decided to do something different during his offering time.  He told the people to stand and said, “Now I want you to reach up into back pocket or purse of the person standing in front of you and give the amount you have always wanted to give but never felt like you could afford….”

One preacher began offering with the following:  “Now there should be three books in church…the Bible, the songbook, and your pocketbook.  Now for offering tonight let’s open your pocketbooks to page ‘TWENTY’….

The Pastor’s wife chastised him after the service as they were driving home, “Why couldn’t you have waited until after the offering to announce your sermon “A Fool and His Money Are Soon Parted”.

A Twenty dollar bill and a One dollar bill were talking.  The One  said, “Hey Twenty

, where have you been lately?  I haven’t seen you around.”  The Twenty replied, “Oh, I’ve been everywhere…at the mall, at the restaurants!”   The Twenty asked the One, ”Where have you been lately”? The One dollar bill replied, “Oh, just to Church, just to Church.”

A preacher found out the one of the men in church was flirting with another man’s wife so he announced in the church the next Sunday, “I have found out that there’s been a man in our church who had been flirting with another man’s wife, and if that man doesn’t put a Twenty dollar bill in the offering plate today, I’m going to announce his name from the pulpit.  The ushers got the offering and there were 13

Twenty dollar bills in the offering plate and one Ten with a note attached to it, “PAY THE REST PAYDAY”.

One minister noticed that three wealthy but very frugal widow ladies had a habit of showing up to church late each Sunday just right after the offering had been received.  The preacher thought he would do something about it.  So the next Sunday, he changed the order of the service and moved the offering to later in the service, AFTER the 3 widow gals had arrived and had taken their seat.  He then announced, “Now we will receive the offering,” as he asked one of the ushers to lead in prayer.  During the prayer, the preacher couldn’t wait to see what the widows’ reaction was, so he opened one eye and noticed that one of the old gals had fainted and the other two were carrying her out.

A minister was given a parking ticket.  In police court, the judge asked if he had anything to say.  “Yes,” the minister replied. “Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy.”  The judge fined him fifty dollars and admonished him, “Go thou and sin no more.”

Two men were sitting on the ‘mourner’s bench’ at Walmart. (That’s where the husbands sit while their wives are shopping) and for some time the one man stared at the fellow sitting next him on the bench and finally said, “I’ve been racking my mind, but I can’t place you….and you look like very much like somebody I have seen a lot….some body I don’t like but I can’t tell you why.  Isn’t that strange?”  “Nothing strange about it,” the other man said.  “You have seen me a lot, and I know why you resent me.  For two years I have passed you the collection plate in our church!”

A man fell into the lake, and a friend pulled him out. “You should give your friend at least twenty dollars for saving your life,” suggested the man’s minister.  The man replied, “Could I make it ten dollars, Pastor?”  I was half dead when he pulled me out.”

Two men were shipwrecked.  One of them started to pray, “Dear Lord, I’ve broken most of the Commandments, I’ve been an awful sinner all my days.  Lord, if you’ll spare me I’ll..”  The other one shouted, “Hold on, don’t commit yourself. I think I see a boat!”

One preacher announced before the offering was to be received, “Now Brethren and sistern, “I have 3 sermons prepared for today and you can chose which one I preach.  One is a $100 sermon that lasts only 15 minutes; the second one is a $50 sermon and lasts 30 minutes; the third one is a $10 sermon and it last 45 minutes.  Now let’s receive the offering and you can cast your vote.”

A lady called the Baptist church and pastor answered.  The lady said, “Pastor, my dog has died and I wish you would preach the funeral.”  “I’m sorry lady,” the preacher replied, “but we don’t baptize animals.”  The lady replied, “Oh,Pastor, my dog was my lifelong companion.  I was willing pay $1000 for someone to do the service.”  The minister replied, “Maybe we could work something out. Did you say your dog was BAPTIST…”