THE IDEAL HUSBAND – WHAT EVERY WOMAN EXPECTS

v     Kind...sweet...never a harsh word...NEVER raises his voice to you...addresses his wife as “sweetie”...”honey-poo”...”darling”...

v     Very neat...organized...a place for everything...and everything in its place...always cleans up his messes…enjoys helping you clean the house...HIGHLIGHT of his workday is coming home to be with you...

v     Your handsome knight in shining armor…He could have married moviestars…but wanted only you…wouldn’t even think of looking at another woman!  He enjoys staring at your beauty...

v     He has the physique of Brad Pitt and looks like Tome Cruise…Hard worker and good provider…not a lazy bone in his body…

v     He has no desire to hunt…fish…play golf…or spend time with the Boys…because that would take time away from being with YOU...Friends watching ballgames and NASCAR boring…his favorite pastime is taking YOU shopping…

v     His great goal in life is to make you happy…YOUR WISH is his every command…He has no bad habits…except wanting to help you TOO MUCH…WITH LAUDGRY, DISHES & HOUSEHOLD CHORES…

v     His biggest problem is trying to figure out what to buy you next with all of his money…

WHAT MOST WIVES ACTUALLY GET

v     His narrow waist and broad mind have changed places…

What once reminded you of Mel Gibson…now reminds you of Fred Mertz…He used to have and anchor tattooed on his chest…but now he’s dropped anchor…He had to give up golf…because now when he put the ball where he can hit it …he can’t see it; His belly has gotten so big…when he takes a shower…his knees don’t even get WET!  The only exercise he gets now is 20 setups a day…when he reaches to hit the snooze button…His 6 pack of pec’s now look like 20lb of potatoes in a 10lb bag…

v     He behaves more like a DOG THAN A MAN… He comes home with wet and muddy feet…tracks all over your clean floor…lies down buy the fire…falls asleep and waits to be fed…

v     He used to whistle at you…now he whistles for you…and expects to be waited on hand and foot; He used to get the door for you when you got into the car…now the only time he opens the door for you is when you’re bringing the groceries in…The last time he took you out royally…was when you went to Burger King and Dairy Queen…His idea of a QUALITY EVENING…is a newspaper…a good ballgame …and E-Z chair…You can remember when a wink of your eye would start his motor; Now you only wish he got as excited about you as he does when BIG MAC hits a homerun or when Jeff Gordon takes the lead!! When you finally arrive to the point in life that you have $ to burn…his pilot light has went out!

v     That wavy head of hair that used to need Head n’ Shoulders…now just needs MOP N’ GLOW…

v     He’s so tight…he drives a car that gets over 60mpg…and normally has more gas in his stomach than he does in his CAR!

THE IDEAL WIFE – what every man expects

v     Always beautiful and cheerful; could have married movie stars, but wanted only you; Hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops; beauty that won’t run in a rainstorm.

v     Never sick; just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.

v     Insists that moving furniture is good for her figure; favorite hobbies includes mowing the lawn, shoveling snow; hates shopping...has no desire to ever have a credit card) Expert in cooling…cleaning the house…doing home repairs…painting the house…and keeping quiet…

v     Thinks you have Einstein’s brain but looks like Mr. America…She loves YOU because you’re so-o-o sexy…she loves to run her fingers through your thinning hair because she can make better time on and open road…

v     Wishes you would go out with the boys to play some ball or do some hunting so she can get some sewing done...

v     Insists that her husband will never have to eat a TV DINNER…only home-cooked meals for her man; Her role model is your mother; wants to do everything just like your mother did it;

v     A hot bath and massage is waiting for you every night… Her favorite expression: “What can I do for you, dear?”

HOWEVER…here is what most husbands actually get…

v     She speaks 140 words per minute (with gusts up to 180)...Her tongue hangs out like a pump handle…She talks so much you would swear her daddy is an auctioneer and her momma was a woman; She reminds you of an old shoe…everything is worn out but the tongue; You only wish Elmer’s glue made a lipstick…when she yells at you from the back porch door, it sounds like an air raid siren and neighbor’s outdoor porch lights have been known to shatter…

v     You only wish the kitchen stove was as hot as the back of the TV when you get home from work; she throws left-over TV dinners on the table in front of you and calls them RE-RUNS…When you have to work late…you come home and find a note on the fridge…’GONE SHOPPING…YOUR DINNER IS IN THE DOG’

HER MEASUREMENT ARE SILL 38-24-35, but not necessarily in that order: you used to call her Dream Boat…but now her cargo has shifted; She still has her hourglass figure, but it could hold a lot more sand now, and what sand there is has settled to the bottom.  She has a double chin, but it’s on the back of her neck.  She can hit a moving target with a rolling pin at 20 yds; She can bench press 250lbs and has a tattoo on her bicep…”The Bruiser”…She can hit the spittoon from clear across the kitchen...and you wish to be buried in the Wal-Mart parking lot so you know she’ll come see you after you die…..