'An Independent Baptist Church'

             DEALING WITH GRIEF

We spend a good portion of our lives working diligently to acquire those things that make life rich and meaningful - friends, a wife or husband, children, a home, a job, material comforts, money (let's face it), and security.  What happens to us when we lose any of these persons or things which are so important to us?

Quite naturally we grieve over the loss of anything important. Sometimes, if the loss is great, the very foundations of our life are shaken, and we are thrown into despair.....
Other losses are not quite so severe, but they hurt nonetheless.


One thing is for certain, there are times of great happiness and joy during this lifetime...
but there will also be times of hurt and loss......loss of things and people dear to us....
I don't understand......even to the best of Christian people!

Ecclesiastes 3:1-4 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2  A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3  A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4  A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

Such loss and hurt can be something other than death.  In fact some losses seem to be far worse than death.

For example, One of the more common grief situations arises out of our mobile culture.  In America ONE out of FIVE people moves every year. A move to a different city, which means loss of relationships, friends, and familiar surroundings;
Every member of the family is affected as they are suddenly pulled away from people and things which have grown dear to them;

To others, an Empty nest;  A child moving far away, college...

loss of promotion at work and you're passed by;  even loss of a job -  (in your 40's and fired?)  

to some, retirement is like death...they've seemingly lost all reason and purpose for living;

loss of a dream....and realization that dream is not happening;
watching your child become rebellious and get involved with drugs, alcohol, the wrong crowd, and even trouble with law...

Loss of home threw fire or tornado...it carries so many memories..

to others - loss of youth and beauty;
loss of health;

loss of a pet;

loss of a spouse thru separation or divorce;
Studies have shown that it is almost worse than death to see the one that you still love turning his or her back on you and, figuratively slapping you in the face;

and of course, loss of a loved one thru death....
and now their room is so empty and quiet...

THE PROCESS OF WORKING THRU THIS LOSS AND THIS HURT IS THE PROCESS OF GRIEF......

(1) THE GRIEF PROCESS IS VERY NECESSARY TO THE HEALING PROCESS.

..and no one can do it for another.....but we can be there to listen.

(2) The PROCESS CAN BE A LENGTHY ONE WITH THE TIME VARYING FROM INDIVIDUAL TO INDIVIDUAL.

John 11:32-35 "Then when Mary was come where Jesus was, and saw him, she fell down at his feet, saying unto him, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.
33  When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled.
34  And said, Where have ye laid him? They said unto him, Lord, come and see.
35  Jesus wept.36  Then said the Jews, Behold how he loved him!

These verses describe a man who, when grief came, was able to weep, for he wanted and needed to express the feelings within himself.

(3) EVERYONE WILL EXPERIENCE GRIEF DURING THIS LIFETIME.....even Jesus did.

(4) EVERYONE WILL NOT GRIEVE IN THE SAME WAY.
NO TWO PEOPLE GRIEVE ALIKE.....PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT
...react to things differently....emotional make up is different

A couple who cared for a disabled child for many years noticed the strain the care put on their marriage.  The couple finally realized they were grieving differently and that's okay.
Each needed to give the other person space and room to work thru the personal pain in their own way...The wife thought it was insensitive of her husband to go hunting, but he needed that time alone in the woods to cope.  She needed to go to the mall and walk thru the different stores, around people..

However,
(5) Medical authorities and counselors who have studied GRIEF REACTION tell us that there are certain stages to be expected.

They say....that we must not assume all people will go thru these stages in the same way and in the same order, and in even the same time span..

but going thru some type of Grief Process is necessary to the healing process...

These experts say you may never get completely OVER the loss, but you can, with God's help, get to the point where you can function again and actually see happiness in life again!

1 Thessalonians 4:13 "But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.

According to the Bible......There is a 'good' and proper type of GRIEVING process....

and there is a bad or unhealthy type of grieving...


There is the GOOD GRIEF GRIEVING PROCESS that includes hope....because we no God is in control...
And...there is the type of grieving that the world offers that gives no hope.....

IF WE DON'T PROGRESS THRU THESE STAGES.....AND WE REMAIN STUCK IN THE GRIEF PROCESS, THIS IS NOT GOOD.

SOME ONE HAS SAID, "time by itself does not heal a broken heart, it all depends upon what people do with that time.."

(6) PEOPLE WHO ARE GRIEVING NEED FAMILY AND CHRISTIAN FRIENDS TO HELP THEM THRU THE GRIEVING PROCESS.

Read page 5, 9, 10, of COMFORTING THE BEREAVED by Warren Wiersbe to show how a church family can respond to those of the congregation who have just experience loss.

"In today's busy world, it is easy for the church family to give only token respect to those in sorrow, or perhaps to ignore them completely.  The larger the church, the more difficult it is for people to 'weep with them that weep.'  It is much easier to send a sympathy card, contribute a few dollars to a floral piece, or make a quick visit to the funeral home the night before the service.  Cards, flowers, and visits are important, and can be a meaningful part of the ministry of comfort;  but broken hearts are not healed by proxy.  Jesus did more than send a message to Mary and Martha:  He traveled to Bethany, stood by the grave, and wept.  Not only during the initial time of shock and sorrow, but especially in the days and weeks afterward, the church family needs to show its love and support to those who are bereaved.  It is that kind of ministry that draws people together, strengthens faith and love, and helps to build the kind of unity every church needs.  The ministry of comfort is noticed by unbelievers and those outside the church family.

He continues with another example of love from a church congregation:

"When 'Grandma' Hawkins died, her husband found himself wondering what to do next.  The children lived in 4 different parts of the country and there were no other relatives nearby to give any assistance.  The church family responded to the call and saw to it that the household routine was not upset, that people were at the airport to meet relatives flying in, and that the funeral director worked closely with the pastor and congregation in helping Mr. Hawkins with decisions that seemed to paralyze him.  After the funeral, the committee prepared a lovely meal for all the relatives and guests;  and in the weeks that followed, the members of the church family visited  the home and assisted in whatever ways they could.  When Mr. Hawkins elected to move to New York to be close to his two sins, his biggest regret was leaving the church family behind."

and...page 44, Wiersbe adds in COMFORTING THE BEREAVED,

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR COMFORTERS
 

1. Go to those who are bereaved as soon as possible, even if it is inconvenient for you.

2. Be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to react to words and feelings that may appear 'Unchristian'.

3. Do not try to explain everything.

4. Share the promises of God.

5. Avoid saying, "I know just how you feel.  "Nobody will believe you, and the statement accomplishes nothing.

6. Words often fail, so express yourself through a loving hug, a handshake, even a simple touch.  Just being there is a ministry.

7. Do not be afraid to 'weep with those who weep'.

8. Remember that grieving is a difficult process that takes time.  Be patient with those who mourn and try not to say, "Aren't you over it yet?"

9. Visit regularly during the weeks after the funeral.

10. Keep confidence.  Don't turn the experience into a sermon illustration, unless the family gives you permission.

Often we soon forget about the bereaved shortly after the funeral, but experts tell us the grieving person normally 'bottoms out' in about 6 months....it is then they need someone just to be there...

Romans 12:15 ".....weep with them that weep."

Isaiah 40:1 "Comfort ye, comfort ye my people, saith your God.


Here are the stages that psychologists and Grief counselors tell us that can be expected when a person experiences a terrible loss:

Stage 1 - WE ARE IN A STATE OF SHOCK
NUMBNESS - This is really God's heavenly novacaine......God's anesthesia for our mind and body...where the mind is actually dulled to help us cope with the tragedy or handles the difficulties to come....

to stay in this stage or any other of the stages for too long is not healthy and will create more problems...

Stage 2 - STRONG EMOTION

God made us to weep....and tears are always in order when there is a broken heart......if you have a hard time crying....that's not good...

The foolish counsel "Now don't cry" is bad psychology and not based upon the Bible

Jesus wept in John 11:35 and so did the saints thru out the Bible!

We are not told in the Bible that it is wrong to sorrow.  We are told that our sorrow should not be hopeless, as that of the world!
(1 Thess. 4:13)

Stage 3 - DENIAL

As the numbness from the 'shock' begins to wear off, we say to ourselves and to others, "This really can't be happening"
This is denial.

Stage 4 - A SERIES OF MORE EMOTIONS

Anger - HOW DARE MANAGEMENT SELECT HIM OVER ME...I HOPE THE COMPANY FAILS....

Frequently, widows or widowers will be angry with the person who died and made them such!

or ANGER at the Doctor, paramedics, hospital staff who didn't save your friend or loved one...

next there is OFTEN GUILT....

"If only I would have"....."Oh, I should have done this"....or that.....
There is no limit to guilt..

Many often begin blaming themselves for the loved one's death..

Especially true when there has been a suicide....

This is common for someone who lost a loved one in death and was not with the person when he or she died.

this stage can progress to blaming God and questioning God and asking why He allowed this to happen...

(and it is here...unless your faith is strong and your walk with the Lord is well-grounded....many will go shipwreck in the faith as Paul says.....and quit church completely..)

Or we blame others....

It is this feeling of guilt and anger that helps cause some of the family problems that often occur at funerals....

It has correctly been said that death not only creates problems....it reveals them....

SOON TO FOLLOW SOMEWHERE IN THE GRIEVING PROCESS, THERE WILL BE DEPRESSION, LONELINESS, FEAR.......APATHY...

loss of a loved one often forces us to reorganize our whole life...
Our feeling of security is gone.....our happiness and joy of life seems to have vanished...

We are so lonely without the presence of that loved one.....
We see the room they lived in.....
The table they ate at....
the chair they sat in......
The bed they slept in...
the desk they did their homework at....

there is FEAR....and panic.....
Life seems to be falling apart on both the inside and the outside...
How can I ever be happy again?

Which leads to APATHY...

Without God's help you just feel like you can't go on....WHAT'S THE USE?   

Life is not worth living.....and many people want to withdraw into his or her own shell and be left alone.....

Certainly it is normal for a hurting person to want to be left alone;  but if this withdrawal continues too long, it becomes dangerous.

After about 6 months,  normally the grieving person 'bottoms out'....

STAGE 5 - ADJUSTMENT

Warren Wiersbe says on page 23 of COMFORTING THE BEREAVED:

"Slowly the person learns to accept the loss, rearrange his or her life, and come to grips with reality. This does not mean the total absence of grief, loneliness, or bewilderment; but it does mean that the bereaved person recognizes what is happening and is able to cope with it.  People die, but relationships and memories never die, and each of must struggle to adjust to the new relationship with the one who has passed away."

Charles Stanley gives this illustration in his book STRENGTH FOR THE JOURNEY P106,

"A mother who lost her child said her most difficult part of grieving was done in the grocery store.  Good was about all she could buy for her sick child for many years.  She commented to a friend she met at the checkout counter, "I've come a long way.  I just made it through the cereal aisle without crying!"  But that was months after the child's death.  She said she still has a twinge of hurt when she sees moms with little boys playing with matchbox cars.  She feels, in time, the pain of that will lesson but may NEVER be totally eradicated.  
He continues, "I thought one thing she said about the loss of her child was revealing.  She said, "People would say to us, 'Well, you know that's only a shell in that grave, and he is with Jesus now...."  That is true, but what they had forgotten, in their desire to e helpful, was that 'shell' was precious to me.  I carried that 'shell'[ in my body.  I was there when that 'shell' breathed his first breath.  I taught that 'shell' to walk and talk and ride a bike.  I bathed that 'shell'.  I loved the way his hair curled and how his feet were shaped.  I loved how this 'shell' would put his arms around me, and how he would laugh.  His daddy led him to the Lord and baptized that shell.  We watched that 'shell' at his Little league games.  I stood over that 'shell' in the intensive care unit for months.  And then I kissed a cold 'shell' forehead before his daddy pulled the sheet over the 'shell' he and I helped to create.
So saying it was just a shell was no comfort.  Theologically, I know what they were saying, but maternally and emotionally, I wanted to scream.  I did everything for that precious 'shell'.  I knew to do  and it stopped breathing and its now in a grave.  That hurts."

One grieving father said, "You never get over it", he said about his son who was killed in an automobile accident, "but you do get through it."

Wiersbe goes on to say on page 23,  

"There are definite signs when this adjustment is taking place:  the bereaved person can openly and easily talk about the deceased loved one, and, in time, even laugh about things that happened in the past.  The person no longer gives vent to hostility or blame or guilt, but instead, seeks for ways to minister to others when they suffer loss."

My friend, I wish I could tell you there would be no grief in your life.....but I can't.....

However I can promise you that Jesus will be there with you to hold your hand and even pick you and carry you at times....to see you through the difficult times....and someday we will be with Him and our loved ones again...
in heaven...forever.

Let's close as we....

Listen to the poem by Mary Stevenson. Mary was from a poor family, who lost her mother at the age of seven,
during the Depression of the 30's. In 1936, during one of Mary's down times, when she was locked out of her home, Mary observed the neighbor's cat leaving footprints in the snow. She pleaded to God for His guidance and was rewarded by penning the words to one of the most beloved, inspirational poems when She was only fourteen.


One night I dreamed I was walking Along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints. Other times there were one set of footprints. This bothered me because I noticed that During the low periods of my life when I was Suffering from anguish, sorrow, or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, So I said to the Lord, "You promised me, Lord, that if I followed You, You would walk with me always. But I noticed that during the most trying periods Of my life there have only been One set of prints in the sand. Why, When I have needed You most, You have not been there for me?" The Lord replied, "The times when you have seen only one set of footprints Is when I carried you."


This poem entitled FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND has brought hope and comfort to many people down thru the years.