Don't Mess with Farmers 2

Don’t Mess with Farmers 2….

A bunch of farmers were sitting in a greasy spoon restaurant drinking coffee and talking about all their troubles when a hot-rod type pick-up with the jacked-up wheels and loud muffler pulled in. A tough looking guy came and sat down at the next table. He finally said, " Do any of you fellas know anyone who has a dog that would like to fight my dog? I've got a hundred dollars that says my dog can whip anybody's dog in town." The farmers all shook their heads, except for one old farmer sitting back in the corner. He said, "Young fella, I believe I might have a dog that could fight your dog." The tough looking guy said, "Go get him and bring your hundred dollars and we’ll have us a dog fight!" The old farmer got in his old pickup and came back in a little bit. The farmer got out and had a little yellow dog in his arms and walked in and laid his hundred dollars down on the table. The tough guy said, "You gotta be kidding! Why my dog's a killer…he'll make mincemeat out of that silly lookin' mutt!" The old farmer never batted an eye and said, "Lay your money on the table." The tough guy went out to the back of his pick up and got a ferocious looking dog, growling, foaming at the mouth…it was all the tough guy could do to hold the dog back. Everyone went behind the restaurant in the back parking lot for the fight. The farmer let his little yellow down on the ground and the tough guy looked at the dog and couldn’t believe his eyes. The little dog had a chopped off stub tail, a real fat belly and short little legs with a long snout! The tough guy said, "That's the ugliest dog I've ever seen!" The farmer said, "let em'go at it." The tough guy let go of his killer and it lunged at the farmer's little yellow dog two times and little dog didn't even budge! On the third lunge the big dog went for the kill and little yellow dog took one snap at that big dog and just about bit it in half with one bite! The tough guy stood there speechless and couldn't believe what he'd just seen! There lay his prize dog, almost in two pieces. The farmer picked his little yellow dog up in his arms and said, "Thanks for hundred, and was walking back to his pick up when the tough guy asked, “ Old Timer, what kind of dog is that you’ve got there?” The farmer replied, “Well, to be honest with you, I don’t rightly know. Before I chopped off his tail and painted him yellow, he was an alligator.”

Neighbors were puzzled when Ed, a retired farmer just pasted in 80th birthday, came home one day with a bride in her early 30’s, Ed’s junior by nearly a half a century. When someone asked him why he hadn’t chosen a wife more nearly his own age, He though a bit and then replied, “Well, the fact is, I like the smell of perfume better than liniment.”

He was grinnin’ like a weasel peekin’ in a henhouse door…or like a mule eatin’ briars.

One year we ran out of chicken feed and Paw fed the old hen sawdust. And do you know that old gal hatched out chicks with one wooden leg and there were two woodpeckers.

Was it cold? It was colder than a cast-iron seat in an outdoor privy.

Here’s hopin’ you’ll be in heaven an hour before the devil knows you’re dead.

A visitor to Indiana was out hunting ducks without having much success. Finally, after eight long hours, he managed to shoot one. As luck would have it, the duck fell to earth just on the other side of a fence, on the property of a nearby farmer. As the hunter scaled the fence to get his prize, the farmer appeared. "What do you think you're doing?" asked the farmer. "I'm just getting my duck," replied the hunter. "When I shot it, it fell inside your fence.""Sorry," said the farmer. "You can't have it. If it fell on my property, it belongs to me." "But you don't understand," said the hunter. "I've been out here eight hours without any luck. This is the only duck I shot. I've got to have it." "Sorry," repeated the farmer, "but that's the law." "That's crazy," said the hunter. "Isn't there some way we can work it out so I can keep the duck?" "Well," replied the farmer, "if it means so much to you, I suppose we could settle this problem the way men do here in Indiana." "How's that?" asked the hunter. "Well, we stand facing each other, then take turns kicking each other. The last one to remain standing is the winner. If you'd like, we can do that to decide who gets the duck," The hunter was flabbergasted, but after mulling over the hours he had wasted without anything to show for it, he finally agreed to the contest, determined to come away with his prize. "Fine," said the farmer. "Now, since it's my property, I get to go first." Without giving the hunter a chance to reply, the farmer pulled his leg back and delivered a tremendous kick to the hunter's mid-section. The hunter flew back into the air with an agonizing scream, then came down to earth, where he proceeded to roll around on the ground with tears of pain pouring from his eyes. After several minutes of unbelievable agony, he somehow managed to get one knee under him, then another. Still moaning in pain, he slowly got up on one leg, then with a final Herculean burst of effort, pulled himself up on both legs. Gazing at the farmer through teary eyes, with both legs wobbling underneath him, the hunter said, "Welt, I did it. Now it's my turn." "Naw," said the farmer, walking away with a shrug. "I’ve been thinking about it, you can keep the duck."

An old farmer needed a bank loan badly, for his crops had failed, and his wife was sick, and his son was put out of school. But he made a mistake by taking his dog with him when he went to the bank. You know how bankers are, when you need a loan, hard to get along with. Now the old dog was generally gentle, but in the bank he got aggravated and jumped up and bit the banker. Then on the way out he bit two patrons of the bank. Of course, the next scene was in the courtroom. The judge said, “Farmer, why did you bring this vicious dog in this bank?” The farmer said, “Judge, he ain’t vicious.” “Then why did he bite three people?” the judge asked. The farmer replied, “I don’t know why he bit the banker, but I do know why he bit the other two people.” “Why?” asked the judge. “To get the bad taste out of his mouth,” The farmer replied.

Two farmers were talking about how dry it was and how hard it was to get a rain on their crops. One farmer was from Indiana he has seen it so dry that when the wind blows it gets so dusty the crows have to fly backwards. The farmer from Illinois said that was nothing. He said he’d heard that when the big flood floated Noah, Illinois only got an inch of rain. He said his father was 70 years old and had never seen rain. “I’ve seen it,” the Illinois farmer said, “when I visited California once it rained. Sure was wet stuff. But Pa never saw rain.” A few months later, the Indiana farmer got a letter from the Illinois farmer who said his father had finally seen rain. He stated that his pa was out by the barn one day and a tiny cloud sailed over and dumped about a cup of rain on the old man’s bald head. The old man was so shocked at this first-time experience that he fainted and his son had to throw a hatful of dust on his face to revive him.

A Kentucky farmer bragged that they always had plenty of rain where he farmed in Kentucky. In fact, one year it rained so much that the creek got so high they had to drive under it.

A Quaker farmer had a particularly stubborn cow that would invariably kick the old farmer every time he’d try to milk her. One day the old farmer had enough and said to the cow, “Cow, I cannot strike thee because of my religion. But I will sell thee to a Baptist deacon down the road and he will beat the devil out of thee!”

A city man stops in a country store to buy a bottle of soda pop. As he starts to take a drink he looks over to the other side of the store and sees three farmers player poker with a fox terrior. He walks over to the game and stands there mesmerized as he watches the dog call for two cards, raise his bet, and rake in the pot. Finally, the stranger says to one of the guys at the table, “That’s amazing. I’ve never seen such a smart dog in all my life!” One of the farmers at the table looks up and says, “He ain’t that smart. Whenever he gets a real good hand he wags his tail!”

It is a known fact in Selma, Alabama that a farm family nearby refused to allow their son to chew gum, explaining that the sugar content of gum caused cavities. But they did prepare for him bits of rubber cut from tires. This satisfied the young man’s craving and stopped the tooth Decay. The only trouble was that on his 16th birthday and every year thereafter, he had to have his teeth balanced and rotated.

I envy my friend in the city, where the lawns and walks are clean, and there when her guests are greeted, the hostess is calm and serene. But woe is me in the country, my guests are prepared for the worst; it makes no difference where they walk….My chickens have been there first.

The pastor of the rural church drove by the farm of one of his members. He noticed the farmer in his hayfield baling hay. "Brother, don't you know that the Creator made this world in six days and rested on the seventh?" "Yep! I do know that," the farmer replied, worriedly looking up at gathering storm clouds. "But he got done with His work. Well, I ain't finished mine."

The sages of the general store were discussing the veracity of old Si Perkins when Uncle Bill Abbot ambled in. "What do you think about it, Uncle Bill?" they asked him. "Would you call Si Perkins a liar?" "Well," answered Uncle Bill slowly, as he thoughtfully studied the ceiling, "I don't know as I'd go so far as to call him a liar exactly but I do know that when feedin' time comes, in order to get any response from his hogs, he has to get somebody else to call'em for him.”

At a famous Texas farmer’s funeral, one of the mourners remarked that it was a tiny casket and seemed much too small for a man as big as the deceased. "No! It fits him perfectly," a bystander remarked, "after they let all the bologna and hot air out of him."

A farmer attended the Illinois State Fair, bringing his entire family. He was anxious to see the judging of Angus bulls, especially the Grand Champion. But when he arrived at the exhibition tent, he found that it would Cost over ten dollars for himself, his wife and ten kids. He appealed to the manager for a break, a lower price. "Are all those kids Yours?" the manager asked. "Yes, Sir!” The farmer replied proudly. “Then you come on in free. All of you. I want that bull to see YOU!”

The farmer had driven his team of mules to town and was late returning. “What took you so long?” his wife asked. “On the way back,” he explained, “ I picked up the preacher and from then on them mules didn’t understand a thing I said.”

Farmers are the most proficient lawyers in the world. They don't specialize in criminal law, or corporate law, or even tax law-their domain is Murphy's Law. Who's Murphy? Well, he must have been a farmer, for he developed the premise "What can go wrong, will go wrong."Murphy's Law is the backbone of agriculture ... no farmer could practice without it. Consider the evidence ... The engine and the warranty always expire together. The bean market rises 20 cents on the day after you sell. Interchangeable ... won't. Unbreakable ... isn't. Smartweed ... is. "Guaranteed" means "Good Luck." You end up with 11 rows left to plant with a 12-row planter. Nails only puncture the inside dual. Cutworms dine on insecticide. Cockleburrs only grow in the row. Implement dealers always lack just one part. Yours. “Improved" means a new package. And a higher price. The markets are good when you have nothing to sell. The wrong part comes in the right box.

ENOS had just celebrated his 99th birthday, and a young newspaper reporter visited Enos at his farm to do an interview about his longevity. As the reporter left, he told Enos 'I hope I can come back next year and congratulate you on your 100th birthday!" "Don't know why you couldn't,” Enos answered Politely. “You look healthy enough to me."

While in town, ordering supplies for her farmer husband, the dealer congratulated her on her knowledge of agriculture. "You must have grown up on the arm," he said. "No, I didn't," the woman replied, "Actually, I grew up in the city. As a matter of fact, until I met my husband, I had never seen a pig."

Out in Texas they tell the story of this calm and reasonable farmer who, one day, was trying to persuade a cow to get in the trailer. Using the most reasonable, endearing terms, he tried and tried but the cow was not reassured. Actually, she pinned the old boy against the fence. But sweet words seemed to work because the 0ld gal backed off and let the rancher loose. He told her it was always better to be peaceable and considerate and that she should think things over quietly while he went outside the corral for a few moments. He returned with a six foot Post, smiled at her gently, then suggested that she go sweetly into the trailer. But the old girl seemed not to have learned a thing. She charged the farmer who then hit her over the head, knocked her to her knees and said, "Now git up off yore knees and git in that thar truck." She got. Which just goes to show that on the ranch or farm, a fellow can catch more flies with sugar but a heavy post is a lot better when it comes to loading cows.

A farmer and his wife went to the fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplane rides, but he balked at the $25 tickets. “Let’s make a deal,” said the pilot. “If you and your wife can ride without making a single sound, I won’t charge you anything. Otherwise you pay the $25 per ticket.” “Good deal!” said the farmer. So they went for a ride. When they got back the pilot said, “If I hadn’t been there, I never would have believed it. You never made a sound!” “It wasn’t easy, either, said the farmer. “I almost yelled when the ol’ lady fell out.”

An Amish Farmer sold a horse and buggy to a non-Amish neighbor, with assurances that the horse was well trained. "The one thing I should tell you," the Amishman said, "is that you must say 'Praise the Lord' to make him go, and to stop him you must say ‘The Lord is my shepherd'."The neighboring farmer nodded, climbed into the buggy and yelled "Praise the Lord!" The horse took off at a gallop. Down the road a few miles, however, the farmer realized that he'd forgotten what to say to stop the animal… and the horse was racing toward a muddy pond! The farmer tried every Bible verse he could think of, all the while pulling back on the reins. Just a few feet from the pond, the farmer finally remembered and yelled out, "The Lord is my shepherd!" The horse came to a halt just inches from the muddy bank. Relieved that he'd avoided a good soaking, the farmer looked skyward and exclaimed, "Praise the Lor ---'Splash!

A businessman was told by his doctor he needed to take a break and get away for awhile from all the stress and hassle of his job. The doctor told him he needed to get out to the country for a couple of weeks, breathe some fresh country air, and rest. The businessman agreed to do so realizing he had an uncle who owned a farm out in the country. He would go visit the uncle for couple of weeks. Upon arrival, the young man took a big breath of that country-pure air and started to choke and gag, and finally passed out. The old farmer hurried and got in his old pickup and backed it up as close as he could get to the fella lying on the ground so that the exhaust tailpipe of that old truck was real close to the city feller’s face. As the old farmer reved up the engine, the young fella began to breathe those exhaust fumes and it brought him to.

A farmer was trudging down the road with his mule, when his preacher drove up and offered him a ride into town. The farmer got into the preacher’s automobile, leaving the mule to run along behind. The mule kept up as the preacher sped up to fifty miles per hour, and continued to keep pace as the preacher sped up to seventy. "I'm worried about your mule, George," said the preacher. "His tongue is hanging out of his mouth.” "Which side of his mouth?" asked the farmer. "Left," replied the preacher. "Well, stay in this lane," said the farmer. "He's about to pass."

A farmer planned on spending the week clearing some trees from his land, so he went to the hardware store to buy a new saw. The clerk took the opportunity to sell him a new chain saw, which he said would allow the farmer to cut three or four cords of wood a day. He quickly bought the chain saw. The next day, the farmer worked eight hours but only managed to cut one cord of wood The following day, he got up earlier, but still only managed to cut one cord. The third day, he worked right through lunch and supper, but only managed to cut one and a half cords of wood. The next day, he brought the saw back to the store, complaining that something must be wrong. "Okay," said the clerk taking the chain saw. "Let's see what's the matter." With that, he pulled the cable and the chain saw started up with a roar. "Jumpin’ Jehosaphat!" cried the farmer, leaping backwards. "What's that noise?"

An Elderly farm couple was sitting in a country diner at a booth on a Saturday night and the man was enjoying his meal as 2 hamburgers and 2 orders of french-fries lie on the table in front of him. A man sitting at a booth nearby couldn’t help but notice that the farmer’s elderly wife was just sitting there watching her husband eat. The man felt sorry for the elderly couple, feeling maybe they were hard up for money, and kindly offered to buy another order of food for the woman. “Oh, no, thank you,” replied the farmer’s wife, “my hamburger and French fries are here, but I’m just waiting for Him to finish using the teeth.”

A visitor walking down the road stopped by a farmer in the field. "Excuse me," he said. "Do you happen to know what time it is?" "Just a minute," replied the farmer. He walked over to a nearby cow, crouched down beside it, and gently lifted up the cow's udder. "Ten to one," he said. "That's incredible," exclaimed the man. "How can you tell time by feeling a cow's udder?" "Come over here and I'll show you," said the farmer. "If you crouch down like this and lift the udder, you can just make out the church clock on-the other side of the valley."

For weeks someone had been coming around at night stealing watermelons from the Hargus farm. Mr. Hargus tried putting up signs that read DO NOT ENTER; NO TRESPASSING; and KEEP OUT, but all to o avail. Finally, he asked his neighbor for advice. The neighbor suggested that he post a new sign and Hargus followed his advice. The sign read: BEWARE! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS HAS BEEN POISONED WITH CYANIDE! The next day the two met again. "How did my suggestion go?" asked the neighbor "Not too well," sighed Hargus. "I put up the sign last night like you said, but by this morning someone changed the wording. Look over there," he said, pointing at the sign: BEWARE! NOW TWO OF THESE WATERMELONS HAVE BEEN POISONED WITH CYANIDE!

The census taker found Uncle Jack's shack and knocked on his door. When Jack asked what he wanted, the census taker replied, "The President sent us across the country to find out how many people live in the United States." "Sorry you came all the way out here," said Uncle Jack. "I haven't the faintest idea.'

A slick salesman was passing through a small Mississippi town selling an elixir he said would make men live to ripe old ages. A small crowd had gathered in the town square to hear his talk."Look at me," he said. "I take this tonic every day and I'm healthy as can be at over three hundred years of age." A woman in the gathering turned to the salesman's young assistant."Is he really as old as he said?" she asked. "I can't really say," was the reply. "I've only known him for a hundred years."

A husband and wife were celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary and their kids threw them a big party on the farm. During the celebration, his wife of fifty years noticed a tear coming out of the old man’s eye. "Oh, Tom," she said. "I never knew how sentimental you could be." "That's not it," replied Tom. "You remember when your father caught us hugging and kissing out behind the barn and said if I didn't marry you, he'd send me to jail for fifty years? Well, today I would have been a free man!"

While on a trip to New York City, a farmer was jumped by a couple of muggers. He put up a tremendous fight, but eventually the muggers pinned him to the ground and searched his pockets. But all they were rewarded with was seventy-five cents in change. "Do you mean to tell me you put up such a fight just to save seventy-five cents?" shouted the first mugger."Heavens, no," said the farmer. "I thought you were after the hundred dollars I keep in my shoe."

A farmer and his wife were visiting the big city for the first time, and stayed at a large hotel. Before going to bed for the night, the husband asked the clerk what time meals were served. "Breakfast is served from seven to eleven," the clerk replied. "Lunch from twelve to three and supper from four to eight." "Well doggies," replied the farmer, "don't leave much time for sightseein', do it?"

Bryan and Linda May got married, and Bryan built a log cabin for the young farm couple to live in. In a tree near the cabin he hung a large bell which had a rope attached to it."If you ever need me when I'm working in the field, explained Bryan to his wife, "all you have to do is ring the bell and I'll hear you and come running. But only ring it for emergencies." The next day he was out in the field when he heard the bell. He rushed back to the cabin to find his wife at the front door. "I thought you might like a snack before lunch," she said. Annoyed, Bryan said to her, "I told you that the bell should only be rung for emergencies!" That afternoon, the bell tang again. Bryan raced home to be met by Linda May, who said, "The sink in the kitchen is backed up." Furious, Bryan repeated, "The bell should only be rung for emergencies!"Late that afternoon, the bell rang yet again. Upon arriving home, Bryan found the cabin in flames, the barn burned to the ground, and all his cattle fleeing down the road. "Now, "said the young farmer, "that's more like it!"

Jake, one half of the most inept counterfeiting team around, got out of the Georgia state prison and was met by his brother, Willie, who was released six months earlier. "Jake, we are back in business. I've got some great plates made and all we have to do is get these bills printed up and we are rich men!" Jake beamed. "Let's go, Willie. I know where there is some paper stored." Three days later, the brothers had a newly minted stack of bills several feet high. Surveying their potential fortune, Jake examined one if the bills closely. "Willie, you idiot! These bills don't have '$ 20' on them, They say '$18.' What are we supposed to do with a stack of '$18' bills?" Willie thought for a moment and then brightened, "Let's take 'am to South Georgia. Those old farmers won't know the difference down there." The two brothers drove south and three hours later pulled into a gas station to fill up. He asked a couple of farmers sitting on the bench if they could make change for him to pay for his gas. “Sure, what have you got?” asked one of the farmers. “Two eighteen dollar bills,” replied the ex-con. "No problem, buddy," the farmer replied. "Do you want two nine dollar bills or three sixes?"

A businessman and farmer were sitting next to each other on a bus and the businessman thought he would have some fun with the farmer and show him how smart he was. "I've been told that you old backwoodsmen are pretty smart even though you haven't had much schooling," said city businessman. "That's right," said the farmer, “I reckon we can hold our own.” "Well,”said the businessman, ”I wonder if you would mind having a contest with me to see which of us is smarter?" "Wouldn't mind at all," replied the farmer. "What have you got in mind?" "How about if we take turns asking each other questions," said the city feller, "until one of us can't answer?" "Okay," said the farmer, "and what are the stakes?" "Well," said business fellow, "if you want to play for money, how about one dollar a question?" “Well, I don’t know about that,” the Farmer replied. "Seems to me,” he said, "with you being so smart, you’d have a great advantage over me. I believe you should put up a dollar while I put up fifty cents." "That's fine with me," replied the businessman. "You start." "Okay," said the farmer. After thinking for a few moments, he asked, "What has three legs, is purple, and barks like a dog?" I don't know," replied Jefferson, after thinking hard for a few seconds. "Here's your dollar. But tell me, what does have three legs, is purple, and barks like a dog?" "I’ll be hanged if I know," said the farmer. "Here's your fifty cents."

A farmer and his brand-new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses when the older horse stumbled. The farmer glared at him and said, "That's one." A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer glared and said, "That's two." A few minutes later, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's three," reached under his seat, pulled out a shotgun, and shot the horse. His bride took all this in…in horror. "How could you do that?" she asked. "That was a simply awful thing to do." "That's one," said the farmer with a glare.

"My grandpa is real mad at the county," Loretta said. "They're gonna put a four-lane highway right through his cow pasture." "Well, why's he mad at that?" asked Conroy. "They're gonna pay him alot of money for it, aren't they?" It's not the money; its the bother. He's afraid that every time a car drives through he's gonna have to go down and open the gate.”