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'An Independent Baptist Church' A farmer‑went over to
see his neighbor and found him down at the barn sawing on a log that went above
the door to his mules stable. "Why are you doing that?" he
asked. "Because my mule hits his head
on it every time he goes in or out of the stable." "Well, why don't
you dig the floor out. It would be
easier than sawing that log..” "It ain't his feet that it's hitting. It's his head," the farmer said, and
went on sawing. The blacksmith was shaping
red‑hot horseshoes on his anvil and throwing them down on the ground to
cool. A local farm lad wandered up,
reached down, and picked up one of the half‑cooled shoes. He quickly dropped it. The blacksmith asked
slyly, "Was it hot?" "No,
it just don't take me long to look at a horseshoe" A farmer sold his tobacco
from the yearly crop at the warehouse in A fellow from the city
drove his car into a ditch on a desolated stretch of road down south. Luckily
for him, a local farmer happened by with his big strong horse named Buddy.
"Don't you worry none," said the farmer. "Buddy and me will get
your car out of that ditch. "He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled,
"Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy
didn't move an inch. Then the farmer
hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!"
Again, the horse didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Bossy, pull!" Nothing.
Finally, the farmer said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" The horse dragged the car out of the ditch
with no problem whatsoever. The motorist was most appreciative, but at the same
time, very curious. "Can I ask you something? Why did you call your horse by the wrong name
three times?" he asked.
"Oh," replied the farmer, "Old Buddy here is blind. If he thought he was the only one pulling, he
wouldn't even try." Captain Stubby said they
had some excitement up in his hometown the other day. His neighbor,
Herman Hymandinger got into an argument with
another farmer over something took out after him with a razor! Fortunately, no one got hurt. The razor wasn’t plugged in. The fund-raising committee of
the church called an old farmer and asked for a contribution. “Can’t give a penny. Not this year!” “But you must. You owe the Lord more than you owe anybody!”
the committee demanded. “Maybe so,” the
farmer replied, “but the Lord ain’t pushin’ me like my other creditors!” Two farmers were boasting
about the strongest kind of win they’d ever seen. “Out here in A traveling salesman became
lost way out in the country. While driving down a dirt road, he spied a house
with a farmer in the yard. He pulled his
car up to the farmer and asked him for directions back to town. While the farmer was giving the salesman
directions, the salesman couldn't help but notice a pig pen with a large hog
inside. To his surprise, the hog had a
wooden peg in place of his right hind leg.
After receiving directions to town,
the salesman asked about the hog's wooden leg. The farmer replied, "That's not just any hog. hat's a special hog. Why last summer I was plowing in that field
over there and the tractor turned over on me, pinning me under it! Well sir, that hog saw what happened, rooted
under the fence, and ran out to where I was. Then he rooted all around me 'fit
I could crawl out from under the tractor!
Yes sir, that hog saved my life!"
Another time, the house was on fire and that pig woke us up,
busting down the door, squealing. He
saved our lives. The salesman said the
hog was indeed special, but it still didn't explain the wooden peg in place of
his right hind leg. "Son," the
farmer said looking at the hog, "with a hog as special as he is, you don't
want to eat it all at once!" A big city lawyer was
called in on a case between a farmer and a large railroad company. A farmer noticed that his prize cow was
missing from the field through which the railroad passed. He filed suit against
the railroad company for the value of the cow.
The case was to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back
room of the general store. The attorney
immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of
court. The lawyer did his best selling
job, and the farmer finally agreed to take half of what he was claiming to
settle the case. After the farmer signed
the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't help but gloat a
little over his success. He said to the
farmer, "You know, I hate to tell you this but I put one over on you in
there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was
in the caboose when the train went through your farm that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the
stand," The old farmer
replied, "Well, I'll tell you,
young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself because
that crazy cow came home this morning!" A farmer was called to a
stand to testify about a head‑on automobile collision he had observed
from his front porch. "Whose fault was this wreck?" the lawyer asked. "Well, the best I
could see," he said, "they hit each other at about the same time.' Luke, a farmer, who was
originally from the city, was out plowing his field one day when his tractor
got stuck in the wet ground. An old‑timer driving by stopped his truck
and walked over to the fence. "You
need a mule to plow such wet ground," he said. "Do you know where I can buy one?"
asked Luke. "Well," said the
old man, "I just happen to have one for a hundred dollars." "I'll take him," said Luke,
counting out the money. "I can't bring
him over today," said the old‑timer, pocketing the money. "But
I'll have him over to you tomorrow for sure." The next day, the truck
pulled up and the old farmer got out.
"Sorry," he said, "but I got some bad news. I went out after breakfast this morning and I
found the mule dead." "Well," said the
city Feller, "then just give me my money back." "Can't do that," said the old‑timer
apologetically. "I went and spent
it already." "OK," said
Luke. "Then just unload the mule."
"What ya gonna
do with him?" asked the old man.
"I think I'll raffle him off," replied Luke. "You can't raffle off a dead
mute!" chuckled the farmer. "Oh, yeah?" said Luke. "Watch
me. I just won't tell anybody he's
dead." A month went by, and the
city fella and the farmer ran into each other at the barber shop. "What ever happened with that dead
mule?" the old man asked. "I raffled him off," said Luke.
"I sold a hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made a ninetyeight
dollar profit." "Didn't anyone
complain?" asked the old‑timer. "Just the guy who
won," said Luke, "so I gave him his two dollars back." 3 old college buddies were
heading back to the old Alma Mater for a weekend homecoming football game. One was a lawyer, one was a doctor, and one
was a politician. Their car broke down
and they had to stay at a farmer’s house overnight. The farmer only had lodging for one and the
other 2 would have to sleep in his barn, but he noted the smell might be
bad, because of his livestock of a dozen pigs and 2 old cows in the barn. The Lawyer and doctor both happened to grow
up on farms so they said they would be used to it and would sleep in the
barn. In a few moments they were back at
the farmer’s door saying they just couldn’t do it. The smell was terrible. Too much for them. The politician said, “Listen, I’m tough. You two guys share this bed and I’ll go sleep
in the barn.” Out he went with blanket
under arm and a few minutes later there was a knock again at the farmers
door. He opened the door to find the 12
pigs and 2 cows. The county extension agent
went out to see an old farmer he hadn't yet visited. "How are you
doing?" he asked. "I guess I'm holding my own,”the farmer said. "I didn't have anything when I started
farming, and I ain't got anything yet." A man was lost and went up
to a farmer's house to ask directions. He saw a mean‑looking dog in the
yard and stopped to ask, "Does your
dog bite?" The farmer said "No. So the man came into the yard, and
the dog bit him on the leg, which upset him.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite." "That's not my
dog," the farmer said . A Farmer‑had three
milk cows, and he had an unusually smart dog, Old Brownie, who would go get the
cows for milking no matter where they were in a huge pasture. One day a cattle buyer came by and offered
the farmer a high price for one of the cows, and so he sold her. At milking time that night, Old Brownie went
for the cows and could only find the two.
He brought them in and went back looking for the third, stayed out a
long time, went out again and again. The farmer finally had to show Old Brownie
the check for the cow before he would quit looking for her. There was this old farmer
up in Grinder's Switch that had been around milking cows all his life. In fact, he's been doin' so much milkin'
lately that when he shakes hands he does it one finger at a time! His big‑city cousin arrived at the farm
for a vacation just in time to find the farmer helping a cow who was giving
birth. As the calf emerged from the cow,
his cousin's eyes got bigger and bigger.
Finally he said, "Say, do you have any idea how fast that little
cow was going when it ran into the big one?" I recall a personal
incident in my early courtin’ days. I
was home on break from college helping my grandpa on the farm do some
chores. Now recall my future bride’s
home was right across the field from my grandparent’s farm. On that particular day, I was helping grandpa
by carrying some items to the barn. As
I recall, to save time, I was carrying a washtub on my back and a chicken under
one arm. I had a cane in one hand and
leading a calf with the other. I looked
up and noticed Lisa walking down the road toward me but couldn’t help but
notice she was hesitant on coming closer.
I asked her what was wrong, and she said, she was afraid I would try to
kiss her! I replied, “How on earth do
you think I could manage that? As you
can see I’m pretty well loaded down.”
“Well,” she said, “you could stick that cane in the ground, tie the calf up to it, and put the chicken
under the washtub.” This farming couple had
lived a very primitive life in the backwoods without modern conveniences. On
his semi‑annual trip to town for staples, the farmer went into a store
and saw a mirror for the first time. He
held it up, saw himself and exclaimed, "Why, that's a picture of my
daddy." He bought the mirror, but
because his wife had never liked his father, he hid the mirror in his barn and
would go out periodically to stare at it. His wife got suspicious of his extra
trips to the barn, and one day she followed him and watched him looking at the
mirror. After he had gone back to the house, she got the mirror out, held it
up, and said, "So this‑here's that hussy he's been running around
with!" Captain Stubby said his
neighbor has his DID YOU HEAR ABOUT…The farmer who broke up with his girlfriend, the
daughter of a tractor salesman? She got
a John Deere letter. A Texan visiting A farmer went over to visit
his neighbor and noticed as he come up over the hill from his garden the old
feller was holding his right arm held in a very unnatural position, sort of
straight out to the side curled down and touching his hip. His farmer buddy asked, "What happened?" "I don't know
what you mean," said the old farmer. "I mean what kind of accident
did you have?" I haven't had any kind of accident. What are you talking about?'' "I mean why are you holding your arm
like that?" The fellow looked down at his arm and said, "Good
Heavens! , I've lost my watermelon!" Well, now Lucifer
Hucklehead, he's a real good friend of ours at Grinder's Switch, he's a real
nice fella. He's been up to his what ya
call "experiments" again. He
tried to cross a parrot with a hen so that instead of cacklin', the chickens would
just yell, "Come on over here Lucifer!
I just laid an egg!" That
was like that time he crossed a owl with a goat and got a "hootn'
nanny!" Well, Lucifer though, he's
a smart feller, but one time he planted the potatoes too close to the onions in
his garden. Them poor old potatoes just
cried their eyes out, needless to say. A farmer was building a hog
pen one day when a neighbor dropped by and made an observation. “Charlie, “he said, “that bottom board looks
too high to me. It’ll allow them hogs to
get out.” Charlie allowed that the board
did look too high, but he said, “It is
just low enough to scrape that hog’s back as he goes out. And it’ll feel so good to him, he’ll turn
around and come back in.” “Is it true,” a visitor
asked a farmer, “that a mad bull won’t hurt you if you carry a
flashlight?” “Yes, I guess so,” replied
the farmer thoughtfully, “if you carry it fast enough.” A Roman Catholic nun was on
a much desired mission assignment to the Apache Indians. She was so excited
that she drove past the last gas station without noticing that she needed gas.
She ran out of gas about a mile down the road, and had to walk back to the
station. The attendant told her that he would like to help her, but he had no
container to hold the gas. Sympathetic to her plight, he agreed to search
through an old shed in the back for something that might suffice. The only
container he could find that would hold fuel was an old beer bottle. Doubtful, but
grateful, the nun told him that the beer bottle would do if there was
nothing else. She carried the gasoline
back to her car, taking care not to drop an ounce. When she got to her car, she carefully poured
the contents of the beer bottle into the tank.
A farmer drove by and slowed down and
pulled alongside the car as the nun was emptying the container into the
tank He rolled down his window and yelled to her, "Sister, I know we have
our differences, but I’ve got to admire your faith.” A farmer was complaining to
his neighbor about the vet, Doc Jones. I
couldn't get my mule to take the pill he was supposed to have," said Chip, "so Doc Jones
told me to put the pill in a tube and
blow it straight down the mule's throat."
"Sounds like a good idea to me," said his neighbor. "Not if the mule blows first,” the farmer
replied. Two men were out in the field hoeing corn when
a man came over in a hang glider. The glider made a big shadow, and the 2
farmers had never seen anything like that before. One of the farmer grabbed his shotgun,
and yelled, "That's the biggest
chicken hawk I ever saw." He let go with both barrels. The second farmer
never looked up but asked, "Did you get him?" "No, but I made him turn that man
loose" An efficiency expert was
driving through the country side when he noticed an old farmer in an apple
orchard feeding his pig. What he saw drove him absolutely crazy, for the farmer
was holding the pig over his head and moving him from apple to apple while the
pig ate happily. The farm efficiency export turned his car around, parked and
walked up to the farmer saying, "Hey, there, old timer, have I got a good
idea for you." The farmer asked him what it was and the Expert continued, "Just put the
pig on the ground, get a stick, knock the apples to the ground and let the pig
eat them there. It sure will save a lot
of time." The old farmer thought
about this while he moved his pig to another apple and finally said 'Aw shucks,
mister, what's time to a pig?" "Why have you chosen this career for
yourself?" the Dean at A salesman, driving to his
next appointment, happened to look out the window of his car and was amazed to
see a three‑legged chicken running along next to him. Although the car was traveling at forty miles
per hour, the chicken was keeping up with it there beside the car. Then he noticed that the chicken had three
legs, all three of them going so fast he couldn't be sure he had seen what he
thought he had, He sped to about eighty, and the chicken stayed right with
him. However, when they got to a house
beside the road, the chicken veered off and disappeared into the woods. The driver slammed on his brakes and backed
up to the house. A farmer was sitting on
the porch. 'Am I seeing right?" the driver asked. "Did that chicken
have three legs?" "Yep, "
the man said. "The woods back there are full of them. We're raising them
for Two of my uncles, Edwin and
Lamar, are sour‑faced farmers who love to grumble to each other.
"Never did see hay grow so short as mine this summer," sighed Edwin.
"You think yours is short," answered Lamar. "I had to lather
mine to mow it," The other night we went to
a local art exhibit put on mainly for the rural folk. I saw a farmer walk up to one abstract
picture and look at it from all angles.
Finally he told his wife he wanted to buy it. When she asked why, he said: "Best
darned Picture of the farm situation I have ever seen. No matter which way you
look at it, it doesn't make sense." Two farmers were talking:
"How close did the electrical storm come to you?" The other farmer replied, stammering: "I
don't know, but my pipe wasn't lit before!" This boy was out plowing a
mule that was bad to kick, and a neighbor came along and said, "Son I know
that mule is bad to kick. Has he ever
kicked you?' "No, sir," he
said, 'but several times he's kicked right where I've been." Hal Adams, a Kentucky
farmer, had an ambitious son who graduated from An Insurance saleman was looking over the application a farmer had
filled out. “You say here that you’ve
never had any accidents. Do you mean to
say one of those mules has never kicked you?”
“Oh, they’ve kicked me alright,” the farmer said, “but it was on
purpose.” Two farmers were talking
about the worse storms they’d ever seen.
“The worse one I ever saw was in 1939.
The wind blew so hard, it not only blew the feathers off all my chickens,
but it blowed the kitchen out the back window, turned
the tea kettle spout wrong-side out, and got the days of the week so messed up
that Friday didn’t get there until late Monday evening! An Old German Shepherd dog was walking down
the lane and it blew him inside out, and since his fur was now on the inside of
him, it tickled him to death and he died right then and there. Terrible, just terrible. I hope never see the likes of such ever
again. Another farmer said it got
so cold one winter where he lived that the fire actually froze in the wood
stove. They carried the frozen fire
outside and set it near the garage. The
next spring that same fire thawed and burned the garage to the ground! But that wasn’t all. That same winter a feller came over and asked
the farmer if he could marry his daughter.
They were outside at the time and the young man’s words froze in the
freezing wind so that the farmer never did know what the young fellow
wanted. The next spring the words thawed
out, and the farmer heard the request and nodded his approval and called the
young man. But it was too late, alas, he
had married another. A city feller was driving
thru the country when he came over the hill and plowed into a bunch of chickens
that were standing out in the middle of the road. The driver noticed he had run
over one of the chickens as it flopped around on the road. He pulled into the
nearest drive way and turned around to go back, and sure enough, he had killed
the chicken. He pulled up the driveway of the farm and saw the farmer out by
the barn. He motioned for the former and told him what had happened. The farmer
paused and reloaded his pipe, and said to the city feller, "Let's go take
a look." Sure enough it was one of the farmer's prize sitting hens, as he
picked up the dead chicken. The city dude said he would be glad to pay for the
hen and asked what would take to replace the hen. The farmer paused and thought
for a moment and said, "I believe $10 would do it, young man." As the
city pulled out his billfold to
pay, the farmer took his pipe out of his mouth and said, "Young man, come
to think of it you'd better make that $20 Because that was my rooster's
favorite hen. When he finds out the news, I’m afraid the shock will kill him
too!" The old
farmer went to the henhouse one morning to gather the eggs and noticed that one
of his prize sitting hens had 2 quarters and dime in her nest instead of eggs!
He couldn't figure it out. The next morning still no eggs but 3 dimes and 2
nickels. This went on for several days, and the farmer was so perplexed he
called the veterinarian to come out and check the hen out. The old vet came out
the examined the chicken closely but couldn't come up with any possible
explanation. The farmer said, "Doc, what do you think? "Beats anything I've ever seen,"
the doc said, " the only thing I can figure is the old girl must be going
thru her CHANGE..." A young
couple from the city had just moved out to the farmer and had just purchased
some hens and a rooster. Being new at raising chickens, the lady Phoned the
local farm Extention agent and asked, "HOW LONG
SHOULD THE HEN BE KEPT ISOLATED WITH THE ROOSTER S0 BABY CHICKENS CAN BE
BORN?" The agent was busy with another customer as he answered the phone,
so he replied, "Just a minute, mam" The
lady who had called replied sweetly, "THANK YOU," and hung up the
phone. Another
young couple wanted to get a start in chickens and went to the poultry store to
make their purchase of baby chicks. The Purina salesman noticed the couple a
few days later and asked them how their baby chickens were doing. "Not to
well, "the wife replied. The agent asked what had happened. The husband
replied, "The best we can figure, either we planted them too deep or too
far apart..." A
politician was making some calls in the country when he came upon a farm and
noticed the farmer was out in the pasture feeding his cattle. It was a very
windy day, but the politician thought he would climb over the fence and go try
to convince the farmer to vote for him. The farmer yelled, "Be careful
where you step.." As the politician made it way out to the farmer a gust
of wind blew his toupee off his head. The embarrassed politician tried 3 times
before he found his toupee, and tried on two of them! Two farmers
were visiting out next to the road when a pigeon flew over them and dropped a
messy deposit on the one farmer's head. The former bent over like he’d been
shot and didn't know what had hit him. His wife saw her husband kneeled over
and came running and asked what had happened. When they all 3 realized what had
actually happened, the farmer's wife consoled, "Dear, do you want me to
run inside and get some toilet paper?" The farmer thought for a moment and
said, "No need to sweetie, that bird will be miles away by the time you
get back..." Two farmers
were often in competition with each other on who had the bragging rights for
best crops. One year, the one farmer had a particularly good watermelon crop
... some of the best and biggest melons he ever grew. He told his son to go
over to the neighbor farmer's house and ask to borrow his crosscut saw to cut
one of his melons with. After a while the boy came back and said, "He said
he would be glad to loan you his saw but that he is using it now to saw open
one of his cantaloupes." One farmer
said to another, “It was so dark, I couldn’t find my nose with both hands.” A young
Purdue graduate had just got his degree in Agriculture from the prestigious
school in A former
was sitting inside a country restaurant eating a bite of lunch when a tough
looking fella sitting at counter asked the waiter who
the farmer was. The waiter at the restaurant told the f eller
the farmer's name, and that he lived down the road. The tough guy said, "Watch this."
He walked over to the farmer and without warning gave him one of those Karate
punches and a Judo chop and laid the old farmer out on the floor cold before he
knew what hit him! The farmer finally
came to and lifted up his head and managed to barely open one eye and choked
out, "What ... was ... that ... ?"
The tough guy had went back to the counter to finish his meal with a smirky grin on his face and yelled over to the farmer,
"That was KARATE from Korea and JUDO from Japan!" The former crawled to his knees and finally
got up and limped out of the restaurant.
In a few moments the farmer came back into the restaurant with his hands
behind his back and sneaked up behind the tough guy who was still sitting at
the counter. With one mighty blow, he
laid the tough guy out on the floor, out as cold as the center seed of a
cucumber! He come pretty close to puttin' the fella's lights
out. The farmer told the waiter, “When
that 'tough guy' comes to, you tell him that was a CROWBAR from SEARS!" |