'An Independent Baptist Church'

Christmas Cheer

Where else but in America could you buy a plastic tree with Styrofoam snow and electric candles…to get that genuine Christmas feeling?

One fellow said the scene of Joseph and Mary with baby Jesus in the manger reminds him that they must have the same health plan he has…

One girl at the office asked another, “Weren’t you nervous when Russell gave you all of those expensive Christmas gifts?”  “No,” she replied, “I just kept calm and collected.”

One store had a sign that said, “FIVE SANTAS…NO WAITING”

Most women don’t like that Christmas song, “You better not pout, you better not cry.”  That’s two of their best weapons.

For best results, when you write a letter to Santa, send copy of it to Grandma…

My Son said he wanted a little baby brother for Christmas.  What could I tell him?  I said, “Son, there just aren’t enough shopping days left.”

Remember…the cheapest place to have Christmas dinner is still Grandma’s house….(Unless you’re Grandpa).

Our local department store had two Santas – One for regular kids and one for kids who wanted 10 toys or less….

Do you want to feel insecure?  Count the number of Christ-mas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

They now have educational toys to help children make it through life.  No matter how you put it together, it’s wrong.

My wife really knows how to battle crowds at the mall. In fact, she has a black belt in Christmas Shopping.

My wife has very simple tastes.  All she wants for Christmas is a 5 pound box of money….in bills.

One fellow asked me, “How did you like those Chinese Back-Scratchers I got you?”  I said, “Is that what they are? My wife has been making me eat salad with them.”

I have a feeling it’s going to be a great Christmas this year.  It’s December and I haven’t heard the singing dogs barking ‘Jingle Bells’ yet.

At Christmas time this year, remember you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, but lots of women will get a fur coat out of an old goat.

A mother said to her little boy, “Who ever taught you that dreadful word?”  “Santa Claus” the little boy replied.  The mother, shocked and surprised, said, “Santa Claus”?  “Yes, Mama,” the little boy replied, “he fell over a chair in my room.”

We’ve always been unlucky with those artificial trees – Our neighbors think it’s fake and our dog thinks it’s real..

One wife wanted a mink outfit and her husband got her a 22 rifle and a set of traps.

One man bought his wife a dyed skunk coat for Christmas for his wife.  She saw it and exclaimed, “HOW CAN SUCH A PRETTY COAT COME FROM SUCH A FOWL-SMELLING BEAST?” The husband replied, “I don’t expect any gratitude but I would like a little respect.”

Santa Claus must be a hippie.  He never shaves and works only one day a year.

My neighbor has 1500 lights in the yard and on the house….Every time he turns it on or off….. Down at the Electric Company they ask, “What was that?”

Times have changed.  You can’t have fun with your kids anymore.  You mention the Tooth Fairy and they think you’re talking about some dentist in San Francisco. 

During the last days of the Christmas rush a frenzied clerk was making out a sales slip.  As the customer gave her name and address the clerk commented, “It’s a madhouse, isn’t it?”

“No,” the customer replied sourly….”It’s a private residence.”

One husband and wife compromised for Christmas. She wanted a mink coat and he wanted a new car.  He got her the mink coat and they keep it in the garage.

        Twas the Week Before Christmas

Twas the week before Christmas when all thru the choir,

Not a creature was silent – We were down to the wire.

The altos were flipping each page in their books,

In hopes they’d remember without any looks.

The sopranos were sitting up straight in the seats,

While visions of memory loss gave them cold feet.

The tenors were humming, the basses were too;

Each wishing the cantata was over and through.

When out in the lot there arose such a CLATTER,

We sprang from our seats to see what was the matter;

Away to the foyer we flew in despair, threw open the door,

As we all peered out there;

When what to our wondering eyes should appear….

But a beat up old jalopy – Our Choir Director was here.

She was dressed all in white in her tailor-made suit,

With matching white scarf, matching socks and boots.

With a glance and a wave and a confident grin, she waved as she went by…..I knew then we would be here way past ten….

More rapid than eagles to the choir loft she came;

She whistled and shouted and called us by name….

Now Bart!  Now Rick, Now Casey and Sue;

Let’s all make sure to sing each note on cue….

On June, On Lisa, and Becky too,

Let’s all just sing as I taught you to…

To the top of the pitch, To the top of the note!

Sing higher….Sing higher!  Not down in your throat!

The stump of a pencil she held tight in her teeth,

Those pitches….how we missed ‘em….just awful…..Good Grief!

Her eyes – they looked worried, her cheeks they were puffed; 

Her forehead was wrinkled, her nose she turned up.

Her droll little mouth was turned down in a frown,

And her head she was shaking as she looked all around;

The glare of her eye, her pacing and mumbling,

Soon let us know…our parts we were bumbling;

She spoke not a word, but gave the organ its cue;

We sang way past ten, and by 11 we were through.

Then clutching her fist in front of her heart,

She whispered a prayer and began to depart;

She descended the steps and walked to her car,

She pulled out quite slowly, her car door ajar;

But I heard her exclaim as she drove out of sight,

“This choir is the greatest…they’ll sing it just right!”

Who started Christmas?
This morning I heard a story on the radio of a woman who was out Christmas shopping with her two children. After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable. And after hours of hearing both her children asking for everything they saw on those many shelves, she finally made it to the elevator with her two kids.
She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of the year. Overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, getting that
perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list, making sure we don't forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sent us a card. Finally the elevator doors opened and there was already a crowd in the
car. She pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her and all the bags of stuff. When the doors closed she couldn't take it anymore and stated, "Whoever started this whole Christmas thing
should be found, strung up and shot."
From the back of the car everyone heard a quiet calm voice respond, "Don't worry, we already crucified Him." For the rest of the trip down the elevator it was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop.

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

'T'was the night before Christmas and all through the town

 Not a sign of Baby Jesus was anywhere to be found.

The people were all busy with Christmas time chores Like decorating, and baking, and shopping in stores.

No one sang "Away in a manger, no crib for a bed"..
Instead, they sang of Santa dressed-up in bright red.  

Mama watched Martha Stewart, Papa drank beer from a tap.
As hour upon hour the presents they'd wrap.

 When what from the T.V. did they suddenly hear?
Except an ad…. which told of a big sale at Sears.

So away to the mall they all flew like a flash...
Buying things on credit... and others with cash!

And, as they made their way home From their trip to the mall,

 Did they think about Jesus? Oh, no...  not at all.

Their lives were so busy with their Christmas time things

No time to remember Christ Jesus, the King..

There were presents to wrap and cookies to bake.
How could they stop and remember who died for their sake?

To pray to the Savior...they had no time to stop.
Because they needed more time to "Shop til they dropped!"

On Wal-mart!  On K-mart! On Target!  On Penney's!
On Hallmark!  On Zales!
A quick lunch at Denny's……. from the big stores downtown to the stores at the mall They would dash away, dash away, and visit them all!

And up on the roof, there arose such a clatter…. As grandpa hung icicle lights up on his brand new step ladder

He hung lights that would flash. He hung lights that would twirl. Yet, he never once prayed to Jesus...
Light of the World.

Christ's eyes...  how they twinkle!
Christ's Spirit...  how merry!
Christ's love...  how enormous!
All our burdens...  He'll carry!

So instead of being busy, overworked, and uptight

Let's put Christ back in Christmas and enjoy some good nights!

Merry Christmas, my friends!

Christmas Poem

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck. How to live in a world that's politically correct? Four reindeer just vanished without much propriety, released to the wilds by the Humane society.

His workers no longer responded to "Elves"....."vertically challenged" they were now calling themselves. Equal Employment had made it quite clear:  He had better not only employ reindeer. So, Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid were replaced by four pigs, you think that looked stupid;  all the runners were removed from Santa's sleigh; the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA.

To demonstrate the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing for unauthorized use of his nose; he went to Geraldo, and in front of the nation
he demanded a couple million in compensation.  The Reverend Jesse was called, and his rely, "My friends, I am appalled...." 

As for the gifts, why, Santa ne'er a notion that making a choice could cause such commotion. Nothing of LEATHER, nothing of FUR; This meant nothing for HIM, and nothing for HER.

Nothing that night be construed to pollute, Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamored, or made lots of noise; Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys. No candy or sweet, they're bad for the tooth, and nothing that seeming to embellish a truth.

Half the reindeer we gone; along with his wife who'd suddenly decided she'd had enough of his life. She joined a self-help group, and left in a whiz demanding forevermore he address her as "Ms."

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed. He simply couldn't figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, he tried to be gay, but one has to be careful using that word today.

His sack was quite empty, flung on the ground; could anything acceptable ever be found? Something special was needed, a gift that he might give to all without angering the left or the right. An offering that would satisfy any decision, each group of people, every religion.

So here is the gift, it's price beyond worth: "May you and your loved ones enjoy Peace on Earth".