Captain Stubby Says (Part 2)

I paid my taxes last week.  Now I know how a cow feels after she's been milked.

I keep having this terrible nightmare that I won a million dollars from Publisher's Clearing House, and had to take it all in magazines.

Abe Lincoln said it many years ago and I think he was right. "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Did you ever see a person with their first set of bifocals!  It's funny to watch them step off a curb.  It looks like they're testing the water in a pool.

I'll leave you with this--Nothing ruins a class reunion more than the person who has managed to stay young looking and get rich at the same time.

Boy am I stuffed.  This morning my car stalled at the McDonald's Drive-thru window and I had to eat 27 Egg McMuffins while I was waiting on the tow truck.

I don't think I'm ready for summer.  I've got a 10-speed bicycle and 1 speed legs.

Colleges are holding their commencement ceremonies earlier every year.  Each college wants its graduates to be first in the unemployment line.

We had a ad in our local newspaper - LOST: A BROWN AND WHITE DOG.  RIGHT REAR LEG IS MISSING.  BLIND IN LEFT EYE.  RIGHT EAR HAS BEEN PARTIALLY TORN OFF.  FUR HAS BEEN BURNT OFF HIS RIGHT SIDE AND HE HAS RECENTLY BEEN NEUTERED....HE ANSWERS TO THE NAME OF LUCKY.

My baseball career didn't last too long.  I played little league and the coach put me out in right field and I missed the first two easy fly balls that were hit to me.  The coach was miffed to say the least. "Let me show you how to play right field."  So the coach went out and goofed twice too.  He came back with, "You've got right field so screwed up that nobody can play it."

Asking a woman her age is like buying a used car.  You know the speedometer has been turned back but you just don't know how far.

Uncle Slugg my drinkin' uncle was feeling puny so he went to see our local doctor.  Doc said, "I can't find a thing wrong with you Slug.  I think it's all due to drinking."  Uncle Slugg said, "that's okay, Doc.  I'll come back tomorrow when you're sober!"

Today I saw my first sign of summer- an air conditioner repairman making a bank deposit.

My Neighbor is so dumb.  Last winter he thought a Polaroid was a condition that comes from sitting on the ice.

A young medical student, to finance his education, assisted a butcher in a meat market mornings, and performed hospital chores at night. One evening, as he wheeled an apprehensive woman into emergency surgery, the patient looked at him and screamed, “Good Heavens!  It’s my butcher!”

Sign on a barber shop window:  “It’s longer than you think.”

No man is completely useless, he can always serve as a bad example.

A woman told a judge in court last week, “Tell him if he misses anymore alimony payments, I’m going to repossess him!”

I’ve just written a new country song.  It’s called “I’m Back On My Feet Since You Took Her Off My Hands.”

In a service station away out on the edge of a western desert there hangs a shingle with this message on it:  Don’t ask us for any information.  If we knew anything we wouldn’t be here.

I know a couple who took their four kids, two dogs , a cat and a bird, and spent a one-month vacation in a camper. It was very economical.  They saved enough to pay for the divorce.

How about this ditty:  Life is full of surprises.  It’s enough to give you fits. Sometimes it’s a bowl of Cherries, Sometimes it’s just the pits.

Progress involves risks.  You can’t steal second base and keep one foot on first.

My Neighbor, Harley Codds, is something else.  Once he read where 60% of all accidents happen within 25 miles of your home.  So he moved.

My wife, Lou, and I were reminiscing.  Our Wedding anniversary was Sept. 8.  We recalled our first date.  When I showed up with flowers and candy I think it made her nervous.  She put the candy in a vase, and she ate the flowers. She looked a little pale all evening, but boy did she have nice breath!

My wife and I have an agreement.  If I don’t like the way she does something, I can do it myself.

My Uncle Charlie is 92 years old.  Last week I introduced him to a friend of mine.  Then added:  “He’s an optometrist”.  Uncle Charlie said, “Man, you’ve got to be these days.”

Did you hear what the doughnut said to the layer cake?  “If I had your dough I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole!”

Our Sheriff was interviewing my neighbor Harley Codds trying to get a description of a suspect.  “Tell me Harley, does the man have a mustache?”  Harley said, “I don’t think so.  If he does he keeps it shaved off.”

Uncle Charlie, who’s 92 went to the psychiatrist last week for the first time. It seems he’s always chasing women-----but he can’t remember why.

I’ll leave you with this---Middle Age is that time in life when a woman won’t tell her age and a man won’t act his.

It had now been determined that the average garden costs the homeowner $6,500 per year.  $500 for seeds, fertilizer, insecticides and equipment and $6,000 for back surgery.

Little Boy to mother: “Mom can Freddie and I go out and listen to daddy change the flat tire on the truck?

Here’s handy tip #33 on how to stay cool.  When the Mrs. Does your laundry have her freeze-dry your underwear. 

Whenever we go away on vacation, we always make sure the house seems lived in.  We have an automatic timer hooked up to a tape recorder, then we prerecord several arguments.

I used to lick all the kids in my neighborhood except the Becks.  I had trouble with them----they were boys.

Men if you want to shake your wife up----don’t talk in your sleep----just lie there and grin.

Harley Codds said, “The beauty of marrying an ugly girl is that in 30 years she’ll be as pretty as ever.”

Uncle Fud and Aunt Flossy were laying in bed one morning when their clock kind of went crazy and chimed 13 times.  Uncle Fud said, “Let’s get up Flossy, it’s later than its ever been!”

My Wife Lou and I started out 48 years ago with nothing, and we’ve got most of it left. 

The saddest story I ever heard was about a kid who spent five years being treated for a speech impediment when all he had to do was give up peanut butter.

We had a little commotion stirred up a few weeks ago in our little town. A traveling preacher was holding revival, and the women in town took turns feeding him his evening meal.  They wanted to give him the best that they had, and in our little community, that was chicken.  The last night he had hoped the good woman would prepare pork chops or beef. When the lady of the house set a huge platter of fried chicken in the center of the table and asked the preacher to say grace he lost control.  He bowed his head and said, “Oh Lord, CHICKEN!”  We’ve had it hot, we’ve had it cold, we’ve had it young, we’ve had it old.  We’ve had it tender, we’ve had it tough----But oh Lord, don’t you think we’ve had ENOUGH.  Amen.”

Remember, the cheapest place to have Thanksgiving Dinner is Grandma’s House----unless you’re Grandpa.

I heard about a preacher in East Tennessee who preached for 2 hours and 10 minutes.  He had taken his wife’s false teeth by mistake and couldn’t stop.

Now about those hospital gowns?  They are like medical insurance policies.  They only cover you part way.  The front part is cotton---the back part is you. They’re rated ‘R’ in front and rated ‘X’ in back!  They must be proud of the fellow who invented those things back at the asylum!  Our hospital has 3 sizes of hospital gowns….short, shorter, and don’t bend over!

A Little Baptist Church in our area got rid of unwanted parked cars in their parking lot after they erected this sign:  “No Parking.  Violators Will Be Baptized.”

Plastic Surgery can do almost anything with a nose except keep it out of other people’s business.

Junior Codds was 40 years old and still a bachelor.  He complained to a friend that no matter what women he brought home as a potential bride, his mother took an immediate dislike to her.  The Friend advised him:  “Find a girl like your mother, then she’s bound to like her.”  Six weeks later, Junior saw his friend:  “I took your advice.  I found a girl who looked like my mother and even cooked like my mother.”  “And what happened?”  Junior said, “Dad didn’t like her!”

A recent survey in America shows that the girdle business is holding firm.  Of course this is based on last year’s figures. 

Hasn’t it been cold so far in February?  My neighbor Harley Codds said he found 2 feet of ice in his bed the other night.   He said they both belonged to his wife.  He said it was so cold his teeth chattered……and they were sitting in a glass on the nightstand. 

Aren’t grandkids something?  Mine were over the other night and one came running into tell me he had dropped his toothbrush in the toilet!  I went in and fished it out and looked at him and threw it in the trash can.  He came running back to me in a couple of minutes with my toothbrush and said, ‘Grandpa, you’d better throw this one away too, because I dropped it in the toilet a couple of weeks ago… 

One of the grandkids was looking through grandma’s family Bible and found a leaf pressed between one of the pages and looked up and said, “Grandpa, I think I just found Adam’s underwear!” 

We’ve had a lot of excitement in our town this past week.  A lady is on trial for shooting her husband!  The lawyer was questioning her about the demise of her husband, whom she had just shot.  “Do you remember his last words?” the attorney questioned.  The widow wept and said, “Yes, I do.”  He said, “Don’t try to scare me with that gun, you know you couldn’t hit the side of a barn.” 

There are certain disadvantages to a small town.  My doctor told me I needed to get out and walk to get some exercise.  I tried, but it’s not working.....everybody that passes stops and offers you a ride. 

There’s something I always wondered, “Why do brides buy their wedding gowns and grooms rent their wedding suits? 

I don’t know what to get my wife for Valentine’s Day.  She already has all the power tools that I need.  She said she wanted some flowers last year, so I got her some Gold Medal and Pillbury.

A couple of years ago some of the fellas down at the General Store said if I really wanted to surprise my wife for Valentines Day, I should get here some LINGERIE.  Well, I did, and boy was she surprised!  She had never seen me in anything but boxer shorts before……. 

I read something interesting the other day.  Did you know that a pit crew at the Indy 500 can change 4 tires, gas up the car, check the oil, and wash the windshield in less than 8 seconds.  That’s 3 seconds slower than the average street gang can completely strip a car. 

I’ll leave you with this one:  One of the biggest troubles with success is that its recipe is about the same as for a nervous breakdown. 

The worst thing about divorce is that somewhere there are two mothers nodding their heads and saying, “See I told you so!” 

When I got home last evening, my wife greeted with a big kiss. She had a wonderful supper and wouldn’t allow me to help her with the dishes.  She told me to go into the living room and read the paper.  You should see the new dress she bought! 

Our newspaper ran an ad by a local handy man: “I can fix anything your husband can. And I’ll do it now.” 

My neighbor, Herman Hymandinger, believes a woman’s place is in the home, and he wants her to go there just as soon as she gets off work. 

Doctors tell us if you eat slowly you’ll eat less. This is particularly true if you’re a member of a large family.  We had so many kids in our family, mom ran out of names….to call dad.  After #12, she started naming them ‘EENIE, MINY, and Fred.  Someone asked what happened to “Mo” and ma said, “There ain’t goin’ to be no ‘Mo’!  We were so poor, we went to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other peoples’ fingers.  Ma used to put me and my brother in the same diaper….that was the only way she could make ends meet…. 

Grandpa Turner, who is hard of hearing, decided a hearing aid was too expensive.  So he just got a small piece of electrical wire and wrapped it around his ear.  I asked him if it made him hear better?  He said, “Nope, but it makes everybody talk louder.” 

Sign on a restaurant:  “Our steaks are so tender we wonder how the steer held together.” 

Scientists have discovered great things, but they haven’t figured out why a woman’s slip sags down and a man’s shirt tail creeps up. 

Alimony is like buying oats for another man’s horse…. 

I’ll leave you with this: “ A sittin’ and a wishin’ won’t improve your fate;  The Lord provides the fishes, but you got to dig the bait.

Can you believe Spring Training for baseball is about ready to start?  My wife just can’t understand baseball.  We went to a double-header last year and the announcer said over the loudspeaker that the home team had lost the opener, and my wife thought that meant they couldn’t sell anymore beer.  She still doesn’t understand why a pitcher making $9 million a year needs relief.

It’s about tax time again.  I have my taxes done by a very considerate and compassionate fella.  He’s the only accountant I know with a recovery room.  Why is an income tax expert’s fee equal to the amount he saved you when he made out your tax return?

My Neighbor Herman Hymandinger has taken up painting as a hobby, and a neighbor lady in town wants him paint her picture totally nude.  He said he couldn’t do that.  He said he would have to at least wear his socks because he needs something to wipe his brushes on.

I can’t figure out these gasoline filling stations.  Everything is unlocked but the restrooms….are they afraid somebody’s going to go in there and clean one of them?

The new Spring fashions are out.  My wife said they are perfect if you’re young, thin, and never plan to bend over.

My Neighbor, Harley Codds, has his Holstein bull hooked to his breaking plow.  I asked him what he was doing.  He said, “Well, Stubby, I wanted to show this critter that there’s more to life than romance and tearing down fences.

I’m getting ready for Spring.  I already summerized my long underwear.  I took out that trap door and put in a screen.

Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, it’s never busy?

I can remember when ‘Freeze-dried’ meant someone left the laundry on the clothes line overnight during cold weather.

Our neighbor lady ran over the neighbor kid’s tricycle.  But she said it was the kid’s fault.  He should never have left his tricycle on the porch.

The Calendar says it’s Spring, but it’s still cold out there.  This morning a robin knocked on our back door and asked if he could microwave a worm.

I don’t believe in shoveling snow off of the sidewalk.  If I’m going to slip and fall, I want something soft to land on.

Uncle Hopper Green was driving his pickup last week and saw a penguin alongside the road.  He picked it up and took it to the police station and asked what he should do.  The officer told Hopper to take it to the zoo.  Hopper said he would.  The same policeman saw the penguin sitting on the passenger side of Hopper’s pickup the next day as Hopper drove down Main Street.  He flagged him down and asked Hopper, “Why didn’t you take that penguin to the Zoo?”  Hopper replied, “I did, and we had such a good time, we’re going fishing today.”

I’ll leave you with this one:  You can make it in today’s world.  All you’ve got to do is roll up your sleeves, grit your teeth, put your shoulder to the wheel ---- and win the lottery.

My wife has just discovered a new way to clean the house.  She opens all the windows, turns on the ceiling fans and blows the dirt outside.

No matter how much a private room in a hospital costs, they still give you a semi-private gown.

My wife told me to put on a clean pair of socks every morning.  I did, and by the end of the week I couldn’t get my shoes on.

A mischievous little boy was asked by his mother how he ever expected to get to heaven.  He thought for a moment then said, “Well, I’ll just run in and out the door slamming it every time and when they say, for land sakes, either come in or stay out—then I’ll go in.”

I want to know the answer to this one:  “If medicine has advanced so much in the last 30 years, how come I felt so much better 30 years ago?”

If truck drivers belong to the AFL-CIO? What do farmers belong to?  The E-I-E-I-O?

Herman Hymindinger came into our local restaurant, The Greasy Spoon, to our coffee drinking loafers and asked if anyone knew how to play Iraq Bingo?  B-52…F-16….

Springtime is coming. Be sure you take all the Sunbathing precautions.  I sure do.  I wear sunglasses, I coat myself with Suntan lotions and spray my lawnchair with PAM….

It’s strange, isn’t it, America has the technology to build atomic bombs, hydrogen bombs, and neutron bombs, but to celebrate the 4^th of July we need the Chinese to make our firecrackers.

Spring means Garden time.  Harley Codds is always trying to out-do Herman Hymindinger.  He sent his nephew over Herman’s to ask if he could borrow Herman’s chainsaw so he cut up his pumpkin.  On returning the boy said, “Herman said he could let you borrow his chain saw till this afternoon.  He’s only halfway through a cucumber.”

Harley Codds walked into our local gathering of farmers at our ‘Greasy Spoon’ restaurant and said he had just heard on the radio where the U.S. Military had just confirmed they had nabbed Saddam Hussein’s two sons…and now they just had to ‘Bag – Dad’…

Herman Hymandinger walked in to the coffee-drinking table and someone asked what he had been doing today. (Herman is 93 years old).  He said he and the wife were on their back porch and heard some voices shouting and laughter on the backside of his property by his pond.  He had fixed the pond for swimming when it was built and he had it fixed up nice with picnic tables, horseshow pitch. Etc. He said he walked back there to check it out and some college girls had stopped on their way home from spring break and were skinny dipping in his pond!  As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.  One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”  Cecil Snodmore asked Herman, “What did you do then, Herman?”  Herman said he told the girls, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators.”

I love living out in the country.  When I lived in Chicago, it was such a thrill getting up in the morning, going over to the window, throwing open the drapes and watching the sun rise over the dumpster.

Uncle Hopper Green said, “I live in an Old Folks Home – at least it will be when I get finished paying for it.”

You know you’re getting a little forgetful if you’re sitting in your car with the garage door open, and you’re not sure if you’re going someplace, or if you just got home.

Cecil Snodmore just back from Las Vegas.  He said he always thought a ‘CrapTable’ was where you put stuff at a yard sale.

We are worried about poor old Cecil.  He is a little slow.  His doctor told him to strip to the waist and he took his pants off.

My grandson came to visit after school today and I asked him what he learned today.  He said, “We found the square root for some numbers.”  I said, “Haven’t they found those yet?  We were trying to find those rascals back when I was in school!”

I asked him how he was doing in school.  The young lad replied, “I made a hundred in school today!  I said, “My, that’s mighty fine. What did you make it in, boy?”  He replied, “Well, I made 40 in reading, 30 in spelling, and 30 in arithmetic.”

I’ll leave you with this one:  There are still more marriages than divorces today---which goes to prove that preachers can still out talk lawyers.

Two of our local farmers, Uncle Hopper Green and Cecil Snodmore, were going to a local farm Convention in a nearby town, and when they got there, they stopped at a local restaurant and got to discussing the name of the town they were in, and its proper pronunciation.  Uncle Hoppers swore it was pronounced one way, and Cecil declared he knew it was pronounced differently.  As they sat at the table, they called the waitress over and Cecil looked up at here and said, “Maam, Could you tell us exactly where we are at, and could you say it real slow?”  She looked at both of them, and then leaned down close and said slowly, “B-U-R-G-E-R  K-I-N-G”.

I know now why we are out of oil here in the United States.  Nobody bothered to check the oil.  And the reason is geographical.  All the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma and all the dipsticks are in Washington.

I’ve found out one thing about women’s rights.  They hurt just as bad as their lefts.

Teachers were more stern back in my days than they are today.  We had one teacher that had an unusual method of punishment.  If you did something bad, she would eat your lunch.  You should have seen her….she weighed 385 pounds!

Our preacher, Reverend Fudpucker, is getting up in years and he bought one of those arthritis chairs that slowly elevates you to a standing position.  Last week the spring broke and it took our volunteer fire department nearly an hour to get him out of the attic.

Herman Hymindinger came in to our local restaurant, the GREASY SPOON, and sat down with the coffee-drinkin’ loafers and asked,

“Why is it okay to call our military helicopters ‘APACHES’ but not our sports teams?”

A little boy, cornering one of his teenage sister’s boyfriends, asked in all seriousness, “Why do you come around and see my sister all the time?  Don’t you have one of your own?”

Archaelogists have reported two important discoveries in a cave in New Mexico.  The word “Wow!” written on a cave several feet away from what appears to be a prehistoric bikini.

Harley Codds said he had no luck with cars.  He said, “I suppose when I die, my hearse will have to be towed to the cemetery.”

Question:  Which is the fastest creature on earth, the gazelle, the cheetah or the greyhound?  I believe it might be a teenager when the phone rings.

I’ll leave you with this one…..There’s nothing like a deep dark tan to make you one of the nicest looking people in the dermatologist waiting room!

Harley Codds told the fellas at the local café that he was looking for some work and a farmer sitting at a nearby booth said he needed a hired hand.  The farmer told Harley he would pay him what he was worth.  Harley got up and shook his head and walked out the door.  The farmer asked one of Harley’s buddies, “What’s wrong with him?  Cecil Snodmore replied, “You offended him.”  “How’s that?” said the farmer.  “I told him I’d pay him what he’s worth.”  “That’s what hurt him,” Cecil said, “He won’t work that cheap.”

Herman Hymandinger walked in and said he had been watching the television and it had just announced that the IRAQI MUSEUM had just given a list of items missing due to the recent public vandalisms.  Listed missing were:  Senator Ted Kennedy’s old flooded 60’s Oldsmobile; Silverware and other valuables from The White House; A blue dress; The Rose Law Firm Billing Records; Gary Hart’s sailing boat, “The Monkey Business”; A stack of Jesse Jackson’s cancelled checks; A white Sheet owned by Senator Robert Byrd and a hangman’s noose; A Crate of Absentee ballots from Overseas American Soldiers from the last Presidential election. Anyone knowing whereabouts of these items should contact the Museum.

Aren’t those jockeys in horse races little guys?  Our 5th grade teacher, Mrs. Balderston took a group of her fifth grade boys to the track to study horses—how they eat, where they sleep---all their habits.  After a couple of hours they all had to go to the boys room so she went along to help them.  She buttoned one, helped another.  Went right down the line.  As she was zipping up the last one she said, “Say, are you in the fifth?”  He said, “Heaven’s no, lady, I’m riding Brown Beauty in the sixth!”  Mrs. Balderston is recovering in the hospital and we now understand she is up and receiving nourishment.

We had some more excitement in our little town last week.  Hershel and Betty Williard’s little boy, Dexter, swallowed a bullet.  The family panicked and called Old Doc Kettle.  He hurried over and examined the boy, and finally gave the lad a half a pint of Castor Oil.  “What should we do now, doc?” the family asked.   “Just wait and be patient,” Doc said, “and what ever you do, don’t point him at anybody!” 

Why do wives spend $35 for a hairdo to please their husbands----then serve them leftovers?

In the days of the Pony Express, it took a week for a letter to get from Omaha to Los Angeles.  Today, thanks to modern technology, it only takes seven days now.

The first time I went skiing I couldn’t get my pants on.  Then the instructor told me to take my SKIIS off.

Our preacher closed with this little poem Sunday, WHEN YOU GET TO HEAVEN YOU WILL LIKELY VIEW, MANY FOLKS WHOSE PRESCENCE THERE WILL BE A SHOCK TO YOU.  BUT KEEP VERY QUIET DO NOT EVEN STARE; DOUBTLESS THERE’LL BE MANY FOLKS SURPRISED TO SEE YOU THERE

Uncle Hopper Green and his wife Geraldine had a scare last week.  An Indiana Twister came thru just before dawn and lifted the roof off and picked up the bed on which they were sleeping, and set it down gently back along the creek behind their barn.  The wife was crying, and Hopper finally got a hold of himself and said, “Don’t be scared, Geraldine, we’re not hurt.”  She answered, “I’m not scared, I’m happy….(as tears rolled down her cheek)...this is the first time we’ve been out together in 35 years.”

We had some more excitement last week in our little town.  A naked guy with a set of jumper cables wrapped around his neck came into our little General Store and ordered a dozen eggs and pound of bacon.  The owner of the store, Uncle Bob, looked him up and down and then said to him, “Okay, but don’t start anything.”

I bought a new car last month.  I bought one without most of the frills.  In a collision, I have to blow up the airbag myself.

On November 24, I will be 85 years old.  I’ve reached that age where just about the nicest thing anybody can say to me is, “Have a seat.”  As I look back, I believe the following about sums it up:

Age 20 is when you want to wake up romantic.  Age 30 is when you want to wake up married.  Age 40 is when you want to wake up successful.  Age 50 is when you want to wake up rich.  Age 60 is when you want to wake up content.  Age 70 is when you want to wake up healthy.  Age 80 is when you just want to wake up.

I was reading where a Japanese firm is coming out with a $4000 toilet seat.  It weighs you, takes your temperature, pulse and blood pressure.  Think of that!  Our good nurses are being replaced by a toilet seat.  I’m not buying one till I ask a lot more questions first.

I’ll leave you with this:  If money could buy happiness, some people would still wait till it went on sale.

Poor old Harley Codd’s wife had him in court last week.  The Judge looked him directly in the eye and said, “Harley, why did you hit your wife on her backside with a 2x4?”  Harley stroked his beard and reflected for a minute, “Well, Judge, I rightly don’t know. The wife happened to be bent over, and the board was lying there….. I just couldn’t pass up the temptation.”

We have two neighbors in our town who have just never gotten along. Widow Lilly Mcpherson, a fine little Christian lady, lives next door to Delmar Twiddle, who claims to be an atheist.  Every morning Aunt Lilly comes onto her front porch and shouts, “PRAISE THE LORD!”  Delmar yells back, “THERE AIN’T NO GOD!”  This same ritual goes on every morning of the week, and has for years now.  One morning last week, Aunt Lilly was short on finances and went out on her porch and prays aloud, asking God for help with groceries, and then says, “PRAISE THE LORD!”  The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there she finds the groceries she asked God for, and of course she shouts “PRAISE THE LORD!”  Delmar jumped out from behind a bush and says, “Ha, I bought those groceries you old fool woman… There is no God!”  Aunt Lilly looked at him and smiled, then lifts her eyes and shouts, “PRAISE THE LORD….NOT ONLY DID YOU PROVIDE FOR ME, LORD, BUT YOU MADE SATAN PAY THE BILL!”

Uncle Hopper Green came into the Greasy Spoon the other day with a bandage wrapped around his head, and someone asked what had happened.  “Well,” he said, “the old lady did it”.  The fellows asked what he had done to cause her to hit him like that.  “Well,” Hopper said, “the last thing I remember saying was, ‘Dear, I didn’t say you were getting old, I just said if you were an automobile, used parts would be pretty hard to come by…….

I was driving by my neighbor Cecil Snodmore’s farm and noticed him out by his barn with a hand saw and he was sawing at the wood at the top of the side door to his barn.  I stopped and asked him, “Cecil why are you sawing that board?”  “Well, Stubby….Because my old mule hits his head on it every time he goes in or out of the stable."  I said, “Cecil, why don't you dig the floor out.  It would be easier than sawing that log..”  Cecil looked up at me and said, "Stubby, it ain't his feet that it's hitting, Stubby,…..It's his head," Cecil replied, and went on sawing.

I’ll leave you with this one…I was talking to a fellow the other day who was recently divorced and he was very dejected.  In order to cheer him up I said, “Forget it pal, there’s plenty of other fish in the sea”.  He answered, “Maybe so, Stubby, but the last one took all of my bait”.

Things are really backed up down at our local grocery.  Old Heber Johnson, our butcher, backed into his Bacon Slicer last week and ever since he’s been getting a little behind in his orders.

We had another farm accident a couple of weeks ago.  Percival Wiggins was feeding his pigs and an old brood sow got him down and bit off his nose.  His neighbors managed to get the sow off Percival and they recovered the nose and rushed him to old Doc Smith to try to sew it back on.  Something is not right because every time Percival sneezes now, he blows his hat off.

We have had some commotion in our little church the past two Sundays.  Reverend Fudpucker has been gone and a preacher from a nearby town has filled in.  He was preaching last Sunday and said, “Brethren and Sistern, we all need to trust the Lord!”  As he raised his right arm to emphasize the point his suit jacket lifted up and revealed a revolver holstered to his waist.  After the service, Harley Codds asked him why he was packing a gun if we are to trust the Lord.  The preacher replied, “That’s to hold em’ off, brother, until the Lord gets here!”

The following week, the preacher was waxing eloquent in his sermon and preaching from Revelation on his text, “Behold I come quickly…..”  But he couldn’t remember the rest of the verse.  He had been taught in Seminary to go back and repeat the previous statement and it often helps you to remember…This the  preacher did…but still his mind was blank.  One more time, he screamed louder, “Behold I cometh….” As he pounded the pulpit with such force, it fell off the stage, with the preacher tumbling over the pulpit into the front row into the lap of Widow Jenkins.  Well, the whole church was in a state of commotion, and when everything calmed down, the preacher climbed off the widow and apologized profusely.  She sheepishly said, “Oh, that’s okay, Reverend. You warned me three times that you were coming!”

Harley Codds came into the Feed and Seed the next day and he had two black eyes.  Someone asked Harley what happened and he said he got the two black eyes in Church.  Cecil Snodmore asked, “How in the world did you get two black eyes in church?”  He replied, “I was just trying to do a good deed, Cecil.  I noticed the lady in front of me had a wrinkle in her dress on her backside when we stood to sing a hymn, so I reached up and straightened it out.”  “Oh, Harley, you shouldn’t have done that.”  “I know that now,” replied Harley.  Cecil then asked, “But how did you get the second black eye?”  “Well,” said Harley, “I got to thinking about it. When I saw how upset she was, I reached up and tried to put the wrinkle back the way it was to start with.”

I’ve always found you can trust most people, but, even at church dinners, it’s a good idea to put your name on your Tupperware.

My Mother used to say: “About the only time I get any peace and quiet is when you kids are getting into something you’re not supposed to.”

Uncle Hopper Green says: Never look a gift horse in the mouth---or the other end for that matter.

My dog has finally found a purpose.  All day long he sits in the front window, watching the front yard----doing a cat-scan.

I can remember the wild days of my youth, cruising down Main Street on Saturday night, hat turned up in front, waving at all the girls.  Of course, I had to have the tractor home by 10.

In our little town last week, I noticed a guy opening the car door for his wife.  I have concluded it must be one of the following: Either the car is new, or the wife is new…….or she must have come in to some money.

Last week a woman walked up to the cosmetic counter of our local drug store and asked for Oil of Old Lady.

Uncle Hopper Green entered his old farm horse in the race at County fair.  His horse would have won, but he kept looking back for his plow.

I tried on my World War II Navy uniform for the Veteran’s Day parade and the only thing that fit was the tie.

I will be 85 this November.  I can remember when a dishwashing machine had to be married, not bought.

We are all sad in our little town.  A terrible thing happened. Old Ben Youngblood, the only Native Indian in our County, died last week.  He had been drinking tea on some health Kick.  He drank cup after cup of tea.  They found him dead in his tepee.

Herman Hymandinger saw Elmer Dudley walking with a lantern and asked him, “Where you going, boy?”  “I’m going courtin’, the young lad replied.  “When I went courtin’,  Herman said, “I didn’t need a lantern.”  “Maybe so”, replied the boy, “But look what you got.”

He’s right.  Poor old Herman’s wife is so ugly, she looked like an undertaker had just started to work on her and got called away.

She’s so ugly she’s cured 3 Peeping Toms in town.  Herman says he likes it that way….he doesn’t have to worry about somebody running off with her.  He says he takes her with him everywhere he goes because he doesn’t want to kiss her goodbye.  Harley Codd’s asked him if he would get angry if he caught another man flirting with her.  “I sure would be,” quipped Herman. “I’d break the scoundrel’s white cane and I’d shoot his seeing-eye dog.”

Herman said when his wife was a little girl, her parents had to tie a pork chop around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

They married late in life.  In fact, Medicare paid for the honeymoon.

Cecil Snodmore is so henpecked, he’s still taking orders from his first wife.  He’s so henpecked, his wife makes him wash and iron his own aprons.

I’ll close with this: Nowadays it isn’t easy to go on a honeymoon.  It’s hard to find a babysitter.