'An Independent Baptist Church'

              Captain Stubby Says....

My wife comes up with the craziest schemes to keep me on a diet.  I mean, at 2 a.m. have you ever stepped on a whoopie cushion in front of the refrigerator?

I've heard of people being lazy, but we've got a fellow in our neighborhood who married his first wife's sister so he wouldn't have to break in a new mother-in-law.

Uncle Hopper Green, age 93, is sure an optimist.  He's getting married in September and they want to buy a home near a school.

It's been hot and dry in our area.  I didn't realize how dry it had been until I turned on my sprinkler, and all the gophers and moles came running out of the ground with their little canteens.

Everybody thought I had gray hair when I was a baby.  The fact was--mom was nearsighted and she kept putting the talcum powder on the wrong end!

It is a fact that girls are inclined to marry men that are like their fathers.  And that is why mothers cry so much at weddings.

Men, don't get upset if your wife spends a lot of time shopping.  It proves you weren't just something she picked up in a hurry.

We're really cracking down on smokers these days. Maybe the day isn't too far away that we get just as tough with terrorists and serial killers.

I saw this ad in a small town newspaper while going through the south: Our church needs a new roof and a new preacher ever since the old roof fell on the old preacher. 

Just remember this:  If you see a fellow opening the car door for his girlfriend;  either the car is new or the girlfriend is new.

No more taking my dog for a walk in the rain, sleet, and snow.  I bought him a doggie treadmill- with a fake fire hydrant.

I did a fun thing the other day.  I pulled up to a police car, rolled down the window and asked them if they had any Grey Poupon.............My Court case comes up next Tuesday.

In most sports when you see a player crawling on all fours, he's looking for his contact lens.  In hockey, he's looking for his teeth.

I've been hearing some rumblings from my wife lately that she thought I was getting old.  So I asked her about it.  She said, "I didn't say you were getting old.  I just said that if you were a used car, parts would be hard to come by."

I saw a random survey from Washington D.C. where 1000 women were asked if they had a chance to date former president Clinton, would they do it.  Eighty-three percent said they'd never do it again.

Did you hear?  Down in Florida last week a guy won a stock car race with a '73 Chevy.  And he was just delivering a pizza.

Herman Hymandinger's cat was killed in an accident.  It seems Herman accidentally dropped the Sunday newspaper on him.

Daniel Boone could start a fire, skin a bear, and cook the meat over an open fire and have it ready to eat in a half hour.  This practice later evolved into a tailgate party.

I was reading about a movie star that was married so many times that he got mixed up and married one of his former wives.  He never would have known it if he hadn't recognized his mother-in-law.

I told the Seed Corn company I knew how they could sell 20% more Seed corn.  They were very interested and asked how.  I told them to just FILL up the sacks!

I made a serious mistake yesterday.  I told a woman her stockings were wrinkled, and she wasn't wearing any.

An old farmer friend dropped into see me yesterday, he fell out of an airplane.  He was coming to town to get his eyes checked.  He said his eyes were getting so bad, that one day last week he milked the same cow 14 times.  He said she didn't give milk times but she sure tried.

Did you hear what the doughnut said to the layer cake?  If I had your dough I wouldn't be hanging around this hole.

Down on the farm years ago we used to cross cows with mules and we got milk with a kick in it.

We had a rooster down on the farm that was so lazy, he 'd wait for another rooster to crow, then he'd just nod his head.

I had a cousin that crossed an owl with a goat and got a hootnanny.

A neighbor of mine crossed a bee with a doorbell and got a real humdinger.

I was so heavy when I was a kid, my dad had to put truck tires on my bicycle.

Some company has come out with a new dog food that tastes like a mailman's ankle.

Me neighbor bought a car that would go 80 mph, the only trouble was, the finance company had one that would go 90.

We had a girl down home and everybody knew she was going to be a great musician. We could tell by the big chords in her neck.  She was also very heavy set but her folks wanted her to look as nice as possible so they went to town and bought her a girdle.  They pulled and tugged at the strings till they had her waist pulled in to 18 inches.  She looked pretty good for about 15 minutes, then the whole top of her head blew off.

We had girl back in my hometown that was really bow-legged.  She got that way hitch-hiking rides on oil trucks.  She was so bow-legged that people kept grabbing her around the ankles and making a wish.

My daddy taught us kids to swim the old fashion way.  Every Sunday he used to take us out to the center of the lake, throw us out and make us swim to shore.  It wasn't too bad once we got out of the sacks.

I feel like I've been rode hard and put up wet.....

A new country song has come out.  It is entitled, WHEN YOUR HEART WAS RIPE FOR PICKING THE REST OF YOU HAD SPOILED.

I could tell my wife was a level-headed woman before I married her.  When she chewed tobacco, the juice would run out of both sides of her mouth.

I used to wear hand-me-down clothes and it was kind of bad because the rest of the kids in my family were girls.  It was embarrassing when I played baseball with kids at school.  When I bent over for a ground ball, my slip showed.

As a kid I learned how to make knots in boys scouts.  It got to be an obsession.  I would make knots in everything.  It got me in trouble when milked the cow.

In Chicago, people are really baseball mad, and believe me they've got something to be mad about.

I went into a restaurant  yesterday and the fellow that was with me ordered a lamb's tongue sandwich.  I told him I wouldn't eat anything that comes out of an animal's mouth.  I ordered scrambled eggs.

My wife had a birthday the other day and she had......several....candles on it, at least on the slice I had.  She tried to blow out the candles but the heat kept driving her back.

You'll find that a married man makes the best salesman.  He's more used to taking orders. 

My wife told me I drive nails like lightning.  I said, "Well thank you dear. Pretty fast, uh?"   She replied, "No, not really. It's just that lightning never strikes twice in the same place."

I was reading where a wife sent her husband to the hospital on account of his knee.  She found his secretary sitting on it.

A lady wrote Dear Abby with a problem with her recent engagement.  She had been dating the young man for some time and he had proposed.  She said yes, but later found out for the first time that he had a wooden leg.  She asked Dear Abby, Should she break it off?

I guess you'd have to say the chickens are about the most useful animal, you can eat them before they're born or after their dead.

We had a crook down home that didn't have any chin at all.  When they hung him they had to put the rope under his arms.

It was so hot one day last summer, that I drove by a farm and saw an old cow laying on her back, giving herself a shower.

My dad bought a mule off of a man one time and the man said that the mule would do anything for us if we'd treat him with loving kindness.  The first day we took the mule out to work he just stood there, wouldn't move an inch.  We talked nice to him but nothing happened, he just stood there.  My dad called the man over who sold us the mule, and he picked up a two-by-four board  and hit the mule over the head real good.  My dad watched this and said, I thought you said we had to treat him with loving kindness?  The man said, you do, but you've got to get his attention first.

We had a hog down home one time that was so fat we couldn't tell the front side from the back side.  The only way we could tell which end to feed was, we'd take a stick and prod him, and whichever end squealed, that was the end we fed.

I was in Arizona one time where it was really hot and dry.  We really don't know what hot weather is here in the mid-west.  I was walking out across the desert with a fellow and it rained.  The guy hadn't seen rain in so long that he fainted.  To bring him too......I had to throw dust in his face. 

My father-in-law is a thinker. People were driving too fast past his farm and endangering the lives of his family and his livestock.  He put up a sign and now all of the cars just creep by his place.  The sign reads, "Slow Down, Nudist Camp Crossing."

A mother of six children sent me the following poem and I wonder if any of you other mothers would agree with her.  "The poets sing the joys of spring, I'll sing another tune.  I'll cheer and praise September days, until the end of June.  The birds depart, I'm light at heart, the winds they may grow cool.  But just remember, it's in September, that the kids go back to school."

My uncle reads my stuff regularly in the Prairie Farmer Magazine.  He said when he retires from the Air Force he wants to start farming.  He wanted to know if he bought a new manure spreader....would the company officials stand behind it?

The Election is coming up soon.  They had some excitement in one precinct in Chicago this last election.  When they closed the bars, fourteen of the candidates were locked inside. 

I used to advise young men to go into business for themselves, or go into a profession like dentists or doctors.  I've quit all that.  Now I tell them to right into poverty...that's where the big money is.  I didn't know my neighbor was on welfare till I saw his new car.  I can remember when the phrase, "going to his eternal rest" didn't mean going on welfare.  People today are different.  I talked to one fellow the other day and he said that his main goal in life was not to work hard enough to need a deodorant.  I asked him if he had ever heard of manual labor, and he said, "Yeah, isn't he the president of Mexico? 

After a fellow gets a little money, it's hard to keep it.  I walked into my bank yesterday and when I walked up to the teller, he said, "I'm sorry Stubby, but your wife beat you to the draw."

I have a cousin that just can't seem to land a husband.  I call her an old maid, but her parents don't like that.  They call her an unclaimed blessing.  I think that one of her problems is that she is so shy.  She turns her dresser around to the wall so its drawers won't show.  She needs to go on a diet too.  She's beginning to advance where she should retreat.  But some dark night some man will ask for her hand in marriage.  You know most men choose a wife in light they never think of buying a suit in.

I'll close with this...a recession is when the man next door loses his job.  Depression is when you lose your job.  Panic is when your wife loses her job.

One of the professors was lecturing on the economy and he said, "We are fast approaching a moneyless society".  I nudged my wife and said, "Think of that.  You and me are way ahead of our time".

I remember when my mother took me to school the first day.  She told the teacher that I was like a bottle of ketchup.  you have to hit him on the bottom to start any action. 

I was talking to a fellow one day who was just recently divorced and he was very dejected.  In order to cheer him up I said, "Forget it buddy....there's plenty of other fish in the sea".  He answered..."Maybe so, Stuffy, but the last one took all of my bait".

We had a fellow in our town told me he went to church last Sunday intending to steal a hat.  He had lost his hat and needed one, so he thought instead of buying one, he'd just pick one up in the vestibule as he walked out.  He said the minister preached on the 10 Commandments, and it got him under conviction when he read the 6th commandment 'THOU SHALT NOT STEAL', so he changed his mind.  He said it all worked out for good anyhow, because when the minister got to the one about NOT COMMITTING ADULTERY, he said he remembered where he'd left his hat.

I had an embarrassing moment last week.  I was taking a bath when I heard the door bell ring.  I yelled out, 'Who is it?"  "A Blind salesman", the answer came back.  Well, I didn't think it would hurt to go to the door just as I was.  When I opened the door, a fellow stepped in and said, "Here's your blinds the lady of the house ordered....where do you want them?"

I was traveling one day last week and was scanning the radio dial when I came upon a Mexican station's weather forecast....the fellow said "It's going to be 'Chili' tonight and hot 'tamale'"!   

It was so cold last night in my bathroom that my rubber duck froze.

My advice to a new husband:  Whenever you introduce your wife to someone, refer to her as your first wife....that keeps her on her toes.

My mother used to say, "Housework is something I do that nobody notices until I don't do it."

Before we were married, my wife told me, "I won't marry you 'til you've saved up $1,000.   How much have you got now?"  I said, "$62." She said, "That's close enough!"

Harley Codds came up with a good idea for saving gasoline.  Build all roads downhill.

One little boy boosted another little boy so he could see over the wall of a nudist camp.  "What are they doing?"  "Playing volleyball."  "Boys or girls?"  "Can't tell.   They don't have any clothes on."

An O-turn is a lady who changed her mind after making a U-turn.

Herman Hymandinger's wife called Herman home to tell him her car wouldn't start because it was flooded.  It sure was; she had driven it into the Wabash River.

I eat my peas with honey, I've done so all my life; It makes the peas taste funny, But it keeps them on my knife.  That was a poem I wrote that I thought would make me famous----but it didn't.  So I wrote a song called, "She wouldn't kiss me in the canoe, so I paddled her back."

There are two ways to get out of paying alimony:  Stay married or stay single.

My wife is drinking ten 8-ounce glasses of water a day on her diet. At night, every time she rolls over, it sounds like the tide is coming in.

Being an after-dinner speaker, I always try to remember the ABC's of good public speaking: Always-Be-Cheerful.  And before going out on stage to face the audience I always try to remember the XYZ's of good public speaking:  Examine-Your-Zipper.

The Animal Rights people are outside picketing again.  All I said was: "There's more than one way to skin a cat."

Youth is when you're looking for greener fields.  Middle age is when you can hardly mow what you've got.

You know what would be interesting, if political candidates would take a month off to dig into the private lives of news reporters.

We're down in Florida now and I've already 'summerized' my long underwear.  I took out that trap door and put in a screen.

Spring brings out all kinds of things.  Mrs. Nokes ran an ad in our local paper for a husband.  She got lots of replies, but most of them said, "You can have mine."

I was reading in our local paper that a newcomer, who moved to our county seat to escape the traffic and congestion of Chicago, was ran over by our Welcome Wagon.

I remember one time back home we had a farmer who entered his mule in our county fair horse race.  He said, "I don't suppose he'll win, but the association will do him some good."

We had some excitement in our little town last week.  Harley Codds attacked Herman Hymandinger with a razor---but nobody was hurt cause the razor wasn't plugged in.

Uncle Hopper Green is 92 and he still rides his horse every day.  Of course sometimes the manager of K-Mart has to help him on and off.

It's confusing when the put up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving. Yesterday I say Santa's sleigh being pulled by eight turkeys.

After 56 years of married life my wife has me pretty well trained.  She never tells me what to do---she just points.

One of the fellows over at Miller's Corner Store was saying that he was getting married because he was sick of seeing a sink full of dirty dishes, bed not made, and no clean clothes to wear.  One of the other guys said, "I'm getting a divorce for the same reasons!"

Next to debt, the hardest thing to get out of is a warm bed on a cold morning.

I saw a sign in a coffee shop the other day that said, "We appreciate your criticism.  We will rush it through the proper channel.  One flush usually does it."

I can remember when freeze-dried meant someone left the laundry on the clothes line overnight during cold weather.

When my wife and I married we decided we would grow old together.  We just didn't think it would happen in the first year.

I heard a fellow talking to his friend on the phone: "I'm the master at my house.  I can play golf anytime I want to.  Just hold the phone a minute while I find out if I want to."

Herman Hymandinger  said, "I'm absolutely sure we bought one of those hide-away beds awhile back, but I'll be blamed if we can find it.

I came out $20 ahead on the lottery this week-----I forgot to play.

A young man in our neighborhood approached me and said he was getting married soon and wanted some advice from me who had been successfully married for 57 years.  I said, "The best advice I can give you is to practice traditional family values.  Be kind to your children, be faithful to your wife---and borrow money from your in-laws."

Have you ever thought about this, maybe a specialist is a doctor who went to medical school and flunked all the illnesses except one.

A farmer in our area went back to work at age 70.  He flunked retirement.

I didn't realize I was getting older till the other night when I was watching the Miss America Pageant, and fell asleep during the swimsuit competition.

You can make it in today's world.  All you've got to do is roll up your sleeves, grit your teeth, put your shoulder to the wheel----and win the lottery.

My neighbor Herman Hymandinger said he had the best security system in the world.  He said, "I ain't got nothing worth stealing.

I can remember our preacher when I was growing up on the farm.  He was jovial, compassionate, fatherly-----and he could smell a chicken frying for miles.

The calendar says it's spring, but it's still cold out there.  This morning a robin knocked on our back door and asked if he could microwave a worm.

Cecil Snodmore said he just got the bill for his surgery.  Now I know why the doctors wear masks.  He said those hospital gowns are something!  He said they had 3 choices of gowns, R-rated, X-rated, and 'don't reach for the cookie jar'.....

A successful man is one one who can make more money than his wife can spend.  A successful woman is one who can find a man like that.

Lately I'm having trouble making decisions.  Last week I was at a 4-way stop and spent the evening.

Do you know what's scary about all this summer traffic?  On the other side of the road, there are just as many cars trying frantically to get away from the place you're heading.

A preacher was trying to comfort a widow at a funeral.  "Now Mrs. Brown you must not think of him as being dead.  Just think of him as being recalled by his maker."  Mrs. Brown said, "Well, Lord knows he had enough defects."

I have the worst luck.  I put Christmas tree lights in our oak tree.  The squirrels unscrewed all the bulbs and buried them.

I miss the old fashioned Christmases.  I mean, how do you tell a kid that Santa Claus is going to come down the heat pump?

I said to my neighbor, Herman Hymandinger, "I understand you bought your wife a mink for Christmas."  He said, "Yes, and it only cost me $100, including the cage."

I love this time of the year.  Last week I went into town and six people promised me everything my heart desires.  Five were Santa Clauses one was a politician.

Nowadays the most popular Christmas cards are Discover, Master Card, and Visa.

If you want to give somebody a gift that keeps on giving....give them a tax payer......or a pregnant cat.

I have my taxes done by a very considerate, a very compassionate fellow.  He's the only accountant I know with a recovery room. 

I was thinking, when you consider how much it costs to send kids to college these days---you might as well just give them the money and let them retire.

I'll leave you with this: If you live life in the fast lane---you may get to the exit ramps a lot quicker.

I'm always amused at 'so-called' educated people who are engaged in some monumental quest---like seeking the solution to the mystery of life.  When I get up in the morning, I'm satisfied just to find the other sock.

One frog sitting on a lily pad to another: "Time sure is fun when you're having flies."

Father: "So you want to become my son-in-law?"  Daughter's boyfriend:  "No sir, not really, but if I marry your daughter, I don't see how I can avoid it."

I used to go with a girl who had only been kissed by two parties, the Democrats and the Republicans.

I think we have a communication problem around our house.  Yesterday I told my grandson:  "There are two words I'd like you to drop from your vocabulary.  One is awesome and the other is gross."  He said, "OK, what are they?"

Columbus Day is October 14th.  Commemorating that wonderful day in 1492 when Columbus discovered the New World, not to be confused with Disney World.  Imagine what Columbus would have thought if the first characters he would have met were Goofy and Donald Duck. 

Our preacher's kids were always mean.  We believe it was because they had to play with the deacon's kids.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.  That is, if the IRSeth hasn't gotten there first.

I worry about today's education system.  I asked my grandson the math major if he was taking calculus, and he said, "No, I get enough in the milk I drink."

I can't say my brother was an ugly child, but when I used to take him for walks, people would always stop and admire the stroller.

Last Sunday our preacher informed our congregation that there were 739 different sins.  By Thursday, he had already had 93 requests for the list.

This just in on our news wire:  A prison van collided with a cement truck.  The report said to be on the lookout for 12 hardened criminals.

Last week somebody stole all the toilets down at the police station.  The report says the police have nothing to go on. 

One crook broke into a house and stole a calendar.  He got 12 months.

My granddaughter was having trouble with her arithmetic.  When I walked into the room she said, "Grandpa, will you help me find the common denominator?"  I said, "They were looking for that thing when I was in School---haven't they found it yet?"

Harley Codds came into Miller's Corner Store in town last week wearing just one overshoe.  He said he heard on the radio there was a 50% chance of snow.

So far our local football town in Stubbyville is the surprise team of the season.  They're worse than anybody thought.

The new cars are out on the market.  It makes sense buy a small car.  For one thing they're easier to push.

When doctors get sick, they go to other doctors.  They can't afford themselves. 

Aren't plumbers something these days?  Our local doctor had to call the plumber in for some work and he wasn't there ten minutes and charged Doc an outrageous bill.  Doc looked at the bill and said, "I'm a doctor and I don't make that kind of money!"  The plumber smiled and said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

In these day of the Women's Movement, I always get the last word in my house.......I have found that "Yes,Dear" usually works best.

A stranger entered our church during the sermon and took a seat in the back row.  After a while, he leaned forward and asked an elderly fellow, "How long as he been preaching?"  "For about 40 years, I think," the man replied.  "I'll stay then,"  said the stranger.  "He must be almost finished."

George Washington never told a lie----and that's a shame, because back in those days there were so many real whoppers that hadn't been told yet.

I gave a speech at a farm meeting last week and they had a sneaky way of keeping speeches short.  They didn't have a glass of water on the speaker's stand-----they had a glass of prune juice.

Did I tell you that Harley Codds locked his keys in his car and it took him two hours to get his wife out.

I was always shy.  If I hadn't been so shy as a young man, our oldest son would be two years older than he is now.

I don't know about you people, but I'm a firm believer in friendly service.  When I pump my own gas in my tractor here on the farm, I always thank myself and tell me to have a nice day.

Cecil Snodmore said he knows a fellow who can get rip-roarin' drunk on water."  He then added, "He can do the same thing on land, too."

Herman Hymandinger said his mother is 108 years old and never needed glasses......... She drank straight out of the jug.

We had a little commotion in our church service last week. Our preacher was preaching on the evils of drink.  "It'll make you you quarrel with your wife," he admonished.  "It'll make you want to shoot her," he continued.  "It'll make you miss her," someone chimed in from the rear of the church."

Harley Codds had two daughters and named them Faith and Hope.  Someone said if he had another he ought to name her Charity....as the Bible says.  He said if had another daughter, he would be on charity.....

Junior Eugene is not Phi Beta Kappa material. He drove into a service station and the attendant asked: "Fill'er up?"   "Oh, no," Junior protested.  "It won't hold that much!"

Cecil Snodmore named his twin girls, IDA and CLAIRE.   If someone asks him their names, he says, IDA-CLAIRE....

My wife caused a lot of trouble.  Every time our son, Tom Jr., went anywhere with me, people would ask, "Why, you're Captain Stubby's son!"   On and On this is all the poor boy would hear, and it kind of bothered his mother.  She sat him down one day and said, "Now, Tom, people keep referring to you as 'Captain Stubby's son'....I want you to realize you are your own person and you have your own identity....and I want you to remind people of that!"   The next time we went in town, one of the store owners come up to us and looked down at Tom Jr. and said, "Well, You must be Captain Stubby's boy!"  Tom said, "Well, I always thought so......but Mom tells me I'm not.

I don't believe in shoveling snow off of the sidewalk.  If I'm going to slip and fall, I want something soft to land on.

Grandma doesn't cook anymore.. On Thanksgiving she goes over the river and through the woods to McDonalds. 

Uncle Hopper Green said, "I've reached that stage in life where If I want to meet women my own age, I go to the drug store and hang around the Dr. Scholl's display.

I paid my taxes last week.  Now I know how a cow feels after she's been milked.

I keep having this terrible nightmare that I won a million dollars from Publisher's Clearing House, and had to take it all in magazines.

Abe Lincoln said it many years ago and I think he was right. "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Did you ever see a person with their first set of bifocals!  It's funny to watch them step off a curb.  It looks like they're testing the water in a pool.

I'll leave you with this--Nothing ruins a class reunion more than the person who has managed to stay young looking and get rich at the same time.

Boy am I stuffed.  This morning my car stalled at the McDonald's Drive-thru window and I had to eat 27 Egg McMuffins while I was waiting on the tow truck.

I don't think I'm ready for summer.  I've got a 10-speed bicycle and 1 speed legs.

Colleges are holding their commencement ceremonies earlier every year.  Each college wants its graduates to be first in the unemployment line.

We had a ad in our local newspaper - LOST: A BROWN AND WHITE DOG.  RIGHT REAR LEG IS MISSING.  BLIND IN LEFT EYE.  RIGHT EAR HAS BEEN PARTIALLY TORN OFF.  FUR HAS BEEN BURNT OFF HIS RIGHT SIDE AND HE HAS RECENTLY BEEN NEUTERED....HE ANSWERS TO THE NAME OF LUCKY.

My baseball career didn't last too long.  I played little league and the coach put me out in right field and I missed the first two easy fly balls that were hit to me.  The coach was miffed to say the least. "Let me show you how to play right field."  So the coach went out and goofed twice too.  He came back with, "You've got right field so screwed up that nobody can play it."

Asking a woman her age is like buying a used car.  You know the speedometer has been turned back but you just don't know how far.

Uncle Slugg my drinkin' uncle was feeling puny so he went to see our local doctor.  Doc said, "I can't find a thing wrong with you Slug.  I think it's all due to drinking."  Uncle Slugg said, "that's okay, Doc.  I'll come back tomorrow when you're sober!"

Today I saw my first sign of summer- an air conditioner repairman making a bank deposit.

My Neighbor is so dumb.  Last winter he thought a Polaroid was a condition that comes from sitting on the ice.

A young medical student, to finance his education, assisted a butcher in a meat market mornings, and performed hospital chores at night. One evening, as he wheeled an apprehensive woman into emergency surgery, the patient looked at him and screamed, “Good Heavens!  It’s my butcher!”

Sign on a barber shop window:  “It’s longer than you think.”

No man is completely useless, he can always serve as a bad example.

A woman told a judge in court last week, “Tell him if he misses anymore alimony payments, I’m going to repossess him!”

I’ve just written a new country song.  It’s called “I’m Back On My Feet Since You Took Her Off My Hands.”

In a service station away out on the edge of a western desert there hangs a shingle with this message on it:  Don’t ask us for any information.  If we knew anything we wouldn’t be here.

I know a couple who took their four kids, two dogs , a cat and a bird, and spent a one-month vacation in a camper. It was very economical.  They saved enough to pay for the divorce.

How about this ditty:  Life is full of surprises.  It’s enough to give you fits. Sometimes it’s a bowl of Cherries, Sometimes it’s just the pits.

Progress involves risks.  You can’t steal second base and keep one foot on first.

My Neighbor, Harley Codds, is something else.  Once he read where 60% of all accidents happen within 25 miles of your home.  So he moved.

My wife, Lou, and I were reminiscing.  Our Wedding anniversary was Sept. 8.  We recalled our first date.  When I showed up with flowers and candy I think it made her nervous.  She put the candy in a vase, and she ate the flowers. She looked a little pale all evening, but boy did she have nice breath!

My wife and I have an agreement.  If I don’t like the way she does something, I can do it myself.

My Uncle Charlie is 92 years old.  Last week I introduced him to a friend of mine.  Then added:  “He’s an optometrist”.  Uncle Charlie said, “Man, you’ve got to be these days.”

Did you hear what the doughnut said to the layer cake?  “If I had your dough I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole!”

Our Sheriff was interviewing my neighbor Harley Codds trying to get a description of a suspect.  “Tell me Harley, does the man have a mustache?”  Harley said, “I don’t think so.  If he does he keeps it shaved off.”

Uncle Charlie, who’s 92 went to the psychiatrist last week for the first time. It seems he’s always chasing women-----but he can’t remember why.

I’ll leave you with this---Middle Age is that time in life when a woman won’t tell her age and a man won’t act his.

It had now been determined that the average garden costs the homeowner $6,500 per year.  $500 for seeds, fertilizer, insecticides and equipment and $6,000 for back surgery.

Little Boy to mother: “Mom can Freddie and I go out and listen to daddy change the flat tire on the truck?

Here’s handy tip #33 on how to stay cool.  When the Mrs. Does your laundry have her freeze-dry your underwear. 

Whenever we go away on vacation, we always make sure the house seems lived in.  We have an automatic timer hooked up to a tape recorder, then we prerecord several arguments.

I used to lick all the kids in my neighborhood except the Becks.  I had trouble with them----they were boys.

Men if you want to shake your wife up----don’t talk in your sleep----just lie there and grin.

Harley Codds said, “The beauty of marrying an ugly girl is that in 30 years she’ll be as pretty as ever.”

Uncle Fud and Aunt Flossy were laying in bed one morning when their clock kind of went crazy and chimed 13 times.  Uncle Fud said, “Let’s get up Flossy, it’s later than its ever been!”

My Wife Lou and I started out 48 years ago with nothing, and we’ve got most of it left. 

The saddest story I ever heard was about a kid who spent five years being treated for a speech impediment when all he had to do was give up peanut butter.

We had a little commotion stirred up a few weeks ago in our little town. A traveling preacher was holding revival, and the women in town took turns feeding him his evening meal.  They wanted to give him the best that they had, and in our little community, that was chicken.  The last night he had hoped the good woman would prepare pork chops or beef. When the lady of the house set a huge platter of fried chicken in the center of the table and asked the preacher to say grace he lost control.  He bowed his head and said, “Oh Lord, CHICKEN!”  We’ve had it hot, we’ve had it cold, we’ve had it young, we’ve had it old.  We’ve had it tender, we’ve had it tough----But oh Lord, don’t you think we’ve had ENOUGH.  Amen.”

Remember, the cheapest place to have Thanksgiving Dinner is Grandma’s House----unless you’re Grandpa.

I heard about a preacher in East Tennessee who preached for 2 hours and 10 minutes.  He had taken his wife’s false teeth by mistake and couldn’t stop.

Now about those hospital gowns?  They are like medical insurance policies.  They only cover you part way.  The front part is cotton---the back part is you. They’re rated ‘R’ in front and rated ‘X’ in back!  They must be proud of the fellow who invented those things back at the asylum!  Our hospital has 3 sizes of hospital gowns….short, shorter, and don’t bend over!

A Little Baptist Church in our area got rid of unwanted parked cars in their parking lot after they erected this sign:  “No Parking.  Violators Will Be Baptized.”

Plastic Surgery can do almost anything with a nose except keep it out of other people’s business.

Junior Codds was 40 years old and still a bachelor.  He complained to a friend that no matter what women he brought home as a potential bride, his mother took an immediate dislike to her.  The Friend advised him:  “Find a girl like your mother, then she’s bound to like her.”  Six weeks later, Junior saw his friend:  “I took your advice.  I found a girl who looked like my mother and even cooked like my mother.”  “And what happened?”  Junior said, “Dad didn’t like her!”

A recent survey in America shows that the girdle business is holding firm.  Of course this is based on last year’s figures.